a ramble to clear my head

Please bear with me..this post is probably not going to make much sense and will ramble on all over the place. I do apologise! Also, I am a bad blog commenter at the moment and have been trying to catch up but am having MAJOR issues with Blogger not letting me comment...very frustrating.

I am super hormonal and teary at the moment which isn't helping matters. I have started to cry the past 2 mornings while out walking the dog...the smallest things seem to set me off and before I know it I have tears streaming down my face. Lucky there are not too many people out in my neighbourhood at that time of day otherwise it could get embarrassing!

This morning it really hit me that my grandmother is not going to meet our little one. I think I have mentioned this before...either when she was quite ill or just after she passed. But it really hit me today like a tonne of bricks. It makes me so sad. And I think because of everything going on with the family at the moment it makes me wonder how much of the extended family will be around by the time our baby is born. With the way they are acting and treating my mum, I don't particularly want to be associating with any of them...but it's sad to think that what was once a close knit family is falling apart without my grandmother here to keep us all together.

We did have some good news today...well it is good news but I am seeing the bad side of it. DH was offered a new job today. It's a step up in his career and will pay more too. Plus the company he is with at the moment has been treating him quite badly and despite many promises of promotions and pay rises, they have not happened. So it seems like a good time to cut his losses.

However, if he starts a new job in the next month or 2, by the time January rolls around (and the EDD of baby) he really won't have any holiday time owing...which means not much time off once baby is born and I suppose the chance of missing the birth completely. Him missing the birth freaks me out. He is the only one I want beside me through labour and birth and I know how much he does want to be there to experience the birth of his first born. Not having him home for a long time after the birth doesn't worry me quite so much. While it will be sad for DH to miss bonding time and most likely tough on me...we will get through it.

So now I have thoughts of social inductions and planned c-sections running through my head. I guess I figure that if I take this route then we can plan for DH to be here (while on week/s off from work) and he won't miss out on the birth. Neither the thought of social induction or a c-section thrill me...but when I weigh it up against not having DH there I know which comes out on top. It's something I need to discuss with my obstetrician at my next appointment. At least to get her thoughts on my ideas.

I'm feeling very all over the place about this. I am excited for DH about the job offer as I know it's a great opportunity and we will benefit...but I don't want him to miss out on our baby being born and I would like it if he had some time at home afterwards.

Until now I hadn't really thought too much about the birth. I figured having a detailed birth plan was a great way to wind up disappointed if things didn't work out how I wanted. I did have thoughts in my head of trying for a natural birth (if possible) but really hadn't put too much more planning into it. I guess I'm confused as to what would be best for our situation.

Maybe I need to sleep on it and my head might be clearer in the morning...I don't know.