Just a Quick One

Well..I survived last night. Lets just say it was awkward with a capital A! Small talk for the first hour before they decided to ask how I was. I was blunt. When I mentioned how lonely it had been without DH here the friend piped up with 'oh just let me know if you want company'. Honestly, should I really need to ask at this point in time??? Isn't it glaringly obvious that I would be lonely without my husband when I am trying to deal with the hardest thing I have ever faced in life?!?! Apparently not.

Oh and please, please don't say to someone that has undergone fertility treatment and has suffered a miscarriage to 'stay positive and it will happen' or 'it just wasn't your time yet'. Because it doesn't help, and it hurts!!!!! And while we are on the topic of what not to say...I don't want to hear about your cousin's sisters neighbour who stopped IVF and fell pregnant naturally..it doesn't give me hope. Not one bit.



On a happier note, the lovely friend who messaged me on Facebook sent me a gorgeous flower arrangement today. What a nice surprise and something that really touched my heart and brightened my day. Some people are just brilliant, and by the recent events it's the ones you don't expect!

I have had a few bloggers mention they are having trouble leaving comments...I have fiddled with my settings so I am hoping whatever wasn't working, now is. Let me know...

I am a Social Leper

Either that or I smell...

Because people are avoiding me like the plague. To the extent of not even texting or calling me. I have still had no responses about DH's birthday party. Not one person. In our group if something social is mentioned, you get a response within an hour or 2. Not anymore...well not if it's us.

It's quite upsetting to me that our so called friends can be doing this. Especially when they know that I am alone while DH is away for work. Surely that warrents at least a 'thinking of you' or 'are you ok?' text message?!?!? I mean, that's not expecting too much is it?? Sparing the 5 seconds it takes...I can get that people may not want to see me face to face..I can accept that might take more time and they may be more comfortable in a group setting for that...but a text message....c'mon! We are all adults...surely you can get past your awkwardness for a second or two...

Last night I ended up getting so worked up over it that I posted a very deliberate Facebook status to express my anger/unhappiness. It read:

'It's times like these that you find out who your real friends are..'

Very quickly I received 2 emails from the most unlikely people. A very sweet message from a friend from school who has just moved interstate. I let her know what was going on, and she wrote back such a heartfelt and supportive message that almost had me in tears. See that's all it takes to make me feel like someone cares...just a token gesture. Her email was lovely and she said all the right things.

The other message was from another school friend who I have lost touch with over the years. But despite this she also sent a caring message asking if I was ok and if she could do anything for me. I didn't feel comfortable filling her in on our situation given we haven't spoken for so long, but it was a lovely gesture on her part.

I have had a few comments on the status. All quite supportive, but none from the friends who have been avoiding me.

This morning I received a guilt text from a friend. Asking what I was doing today and if I wanted to catch up this afternoon. I agreed thinking it would be a girl catch up just the 2 of us. Later another text sent asking if me and DH's mate (who lives with us) wanted to come for dinner...Not what I feel like at this point in time. Also the thought crossed my mind that perhaps her and hubby are going to spring a pregnancy announcement on us while at their house...(they have been TTC since they got married in November) and I definitely am not up for that! So I declined and suggested a girl catch up when she has free time.

Unfortunately, DH's mate decided to counter their invite with an invite to our house for dinner...and did not tell me until they had accepted this offer. I could kill him. But of course if I cancelled it then I would look like a bitch. I received a call soon after from the friend checking if this was ok...but of course being put on the spot like that I couldn't say no. So I just said it was fine. She made no mention of the girl catch up or of DH's birthday. I am not impressed.

Not sure how tonight will go. Of course there will be a gigantice elephant in the room that everyone tries to ignore. It will be awkward and no one will want to make eye contact with me. Great to feel awkward in your own home, isn't it?!? If someone does care to ask how I am, I am tempted to give them a very blunt and honest answer. Something along the lines of "It's been crap with DH away. I'm feeling very lonely and isolated. I don't sleep and I feel terrible". Be an easy way to add to the awkwardness, but I might feel slightly better...BUT as I am way too nice a hostess I will probably just smile and say I am fine and busy myself with getting drinks etc for the guests....

So there you go. Not looking forward to tonight. These friends are only coming round to see DH's mate (who is there friend also) and it's probably just more of a 'oh yeah she'll be there too'. Looks like there will be no more one on one catch ups with my girlfriend and group activities is the only way I can have any social life...

Isn't life awesome?!?!?

Another Shot at Positive Saturday

I was going to write another ranting, sad, angry post...BUT I remembered that I wrote a 'Positive Saturday' last week and figured it wouldn't hurt me to keep this up. So now lets see how long it will take me to come up with some positives...I think I am going to struggle. It would be a lot easier to write a 'Negative Saturday' post....

1. I still have some wonderful friends and family supporting me (although at the moment the friends are running thin).

2. I had some very yummy chicken and corn soup for dinner that I made in my slow cooker.

3. I still have 2 more days off work.

4. DH will be home in 3 more sleeps!!!!!

5. Had a lovely lunch with my mum, sister, sister's boyfriend, aunty and my nanny today.

6. Just had a video Skype call with DH...gotta love technology! Nice to be able to see his face as well as hear his voice.

7. We have the funniest dog...he makes me laugh and smile EVERY single day. Today he started running mad laps through the house at high speed and ran into a wall...hilarious! It didn't stop him though-he kept running around like a maniac!

8. The weather has still been nice...more sunshine than rain. Makes for a nice change.

9. From next week I am getting some more hours at work which will keep increasing until after O Week. Will be nice to have some extra cash coming in to pay off some bills.

10. It's hot but I have icy poles in the freezer to cool me off. Yum!!

Nothing major, but its nice to be focusing on these little positive things and not the big negative things happening in my life right now.

Periods, Waiting & the Weirdness of the Human Race

More terrible sleep. Stupid insomnia is making a comeback with a vengence. I didn't go to bed until around 11:30 but didn't drift off until almost 2am. Then I was rudely awoken at 5am by a bird. OMG this bird!!! It sounded like a cross between a dying bird and a dying cat! And it was SO loud! I mean I had the air con running and I could hear this thing squawking over the top of that. Eventually I managed to drown it out and fall back asleep by about 7am but then at 9am my phone rang. I was prepared to get very cranky at whoever had decided to call me, but it turned out to be DH calling to say he loved me and that he is always thinking of me. -cue chorus of awwww's- So of course I couldn't be mad at him and gave up on sleep and got up.

Tackled the housework today. Just the regular housework, not the list of extra stuff I want to do. But I did the ENTIRE house. Which is a mammoth effort as our home has 4 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, study, 2 living areas, kitchen & dining spread over 3 levels. Usually I don't bother with the upstairs living and spare bedrooms..but they all got the once over today. It was a cleaning frenzy! Needless to say after this I was exhausted and promptly slumped on the couch for the rest of the afternoon...except to throw things in the slow cooker for dinner.

I had some vodka and lemonade earlier...my first alcoholic drink in quite a few months. It went straight to my head and I felt quite tipsy. I am hoping it might help me sleep?!? Probably won't, but it's worth a shot. Not that I would be wanting to use alcohol on a regular basis to improve my sleeping patterns..but it's the weekend and 1 drink isn't going to hurt me.

DH's birthday is next month. On Valentines Day to be specific. I mentioned something to him about having a party, as usually he is all poo-poo on celebrating and refuses to do anything. To my surprise he agreed! And now I am freaking out about having a stack of people here and having to be social and play hostess. Eeeeek! It is the last thing I want to do at the moment. But I don't want to turn around to poor DH and say he can't have a party anymore. He deserves to do something nice for his birthday....and I don't want to spoil it for him with my downer mood. I am sure I can survive one night...I may need to get extremely drunk though. But that's ok-I'll be at home so I can pass out in my own bed! It's still a few weeks away as it won't be until the weekend after V Day as DH doesn't get home until the day after his birthday this year.

I have been madly trying to think of a present to buy him. He is hard to buy for as when you ask him if there is anything he wants he either says nothing or he rattles off something that is completely out of our price range...just to annoy me! So far I have come up with a few little things...but nothing amazing. It's the dogs birthday on V Day as well...he'll be 2 and hopefully he will finally start to settle down (for those who don't know we have a crazy dog that has managed to destroy many things at home AND at my parents house). He has actually gotten bettter over the past few months...perhaps he is finally growing out of some of his puppy habits. -cheers-

Not much else to say. Still haven't heard from our friends. I don't think there is anything I can do about it. And to be honest, if they can't deal with this...well they can get stuffed. This journey is tough enough without worrying about other people's feelings and issues. I need to put me first right now and surround myself with people who care and are not afraid to talk to me. It's a little sad, because some of these people are not ones I would have expected to do this..but I guess that's just life. If miscarriage and infertility weren't seen as such 'taboo' issues and were talked about more then perhaps people would know how to broach the subject and how to talk to someone that going through these types of things. But as adults, you would think you could try at least...-shrugs- who knows!

So still no plans for the weekend. Maybe a good thing...maybe I need more time before I face the world so to speak. I don't know. Part of me wants to get back out there and get over this anxiety and the rest of me just wants to stay in the safety of home. I'm really not good at making decisions at the moment and generally have no idea what I want. I can't make up my mind, even over the most simplest things.

I am already freaking out about how quickly (or slowly) my body is going to get back into regular cycles. I have no idea when I should expect a period or what to expect of this period. Is it going to be heavy, light, painful or long? How long should I wait for it to arrive before I start to worry? Do I go back to my current FS in the meantime if my period does not arrive for a substantial amount of time? What if I get to my new FS appointment and my period is still AWOL?!? What then?  How much more of a delay will that put on starting a FET cycle? Questions, questions and more questions...and most probably not ones that someone else can answer for me. It really is a waiting game right now. I hate that. I have no control what so ever. It would be really crap if my period does not turn up..I mean I had such lovely, regular cycles before IVF. It would be quite devastating if they don't come back. Just another set back to add to the list I suppose.

Argh, I would quite like to fast forward to the new FS appointment. I am desperately hoping that there is a cancellation and I can see the new doctor sooner...wishful thinking but I doubt it will happen.

Oh well..for now I keep waiting. You would think I would be good at this by now...