I'm Still Here..

Hormones are driving me insane. Poor DH copped it the last few days before he left...he even left earlier than needed to go to the airport yesterday because he couldn't stand me any longer!! Ouch! Yesterday was really bad. I was angry at EVERYTHING. I was yelling and screaming at DH, at the world, at inanimate objects. I just wanted to scream and stomp and break things. By the evening I was the opposite. I was sad and teary and miserable.

I can't even blame this on fertility drugs..because I'm not on anything. My thinking is that my period is coming. I'm CD23 today and if I go back to my regular 26-28 day cycles then it won't be long. I have also been experiencing some light cramps for the past 4-5 days so that's usually a good indication of my period coming too. Not sure how to explain the extreme hunger and oily, pimply skin though...such fun being a female.

Well it's almost 8pm and thanks to an uber busy day at work and a terrible nights sleep, I think it's well past my bedtime. Just figured I better update with something. I'm still here, still alive..hanging by a thread.

War Of My World

There is a constant battle going on inside my head.
A battle of thoughts and feelings..
I wage war to try and keep these contained so I can get on with day to day life.
Some days are worse than others.
Some days I even win.
But most days I lose.

Today I lost.
Majorly.

I was barely out of bed when the tears started flowing. Honestly, how can a day be any good if you start it in tears?!? The cold germs still making themselves at home in my nose and throat also probably didn't help. What else is there to do but go back to bed?

Going back to bed is all well and good when you have no plans, but today I was also meant to attend a baby shower for a very dear friend of mine. She and I trekked the TTC path together for a time but thankfully she has made it to a new journey and is fast approaching her due date. I felt very honoured to be invited to share in her special day. But I didn't go.

And I feel like a total bitch.

Now don't get me wrong, I am thrilled for her to be pregnant and even more thrilled that she has made it through her pregnancy with a healthy bubba on board. I am so excited that in a month or so she is going to hold her little one in her arms. The little one she has waited so, so long for...BUT (and of course there is always a but) I am miserable that I am not riding along with her, with my own little bundle of joy to look forward to.

And after the IVF and the miscarriage and how I have been feeling lately, I could not muster up the strength to go to a baby shower where there would be bellies and babies and non stop talk of being a mum. I honestly couldn't trust myself to get through an entire afternoon of this without tears...and I didn't want the water works to happen and ruin my friends day. I also didn't want to be there and have my friend wondering and worrying if I was ok and have to be tiptoed around. I wanted her to have a day that was all about her, so that she could enjoy every minute of her baby shower. And I really hope this happened...but I still feel so guilty that I could not shelve my own issues for a few hours to be there for a friend. I am so ashamed of myself for this. I really do feel like a horrible person and a terrible friend.

So now along with all of my usual emotions, I have a side serve of guilt.
I am sure that some people would tell me that I have no reason to be guilty and that they are sure my friend understands..but even if she does understand, I still feel like a sad excuse for a friend.

I should have been able to walk into that baby shower, smile, chat and share in the festivities. I am sure there are ladies out there that have done it in my situation (or worse) without a problem.
I should have been able to hold it together for a few hours...There would have been plenty of time in the car on the drive home and plenty more time at home to let all the emotions out. I should have been there for my friend.

What a sad, sorry excuse for a human being I am right now.

Not Fun

Thanks for the lovely get well comments left! I am feeling better than I was earlier in the week and even went back to work today...though I'm not sure if it was the best idea as I spent most of the day feeling dizzy and ready to curl up under my desk for a nap. Managed to get a fair amount of work done despite this which was good. Now I have my 4 day weekend to get back to normal.

I had to do something hard this evening. It was time to pick up my baby lay by (the one I wrote about here). DH came with me so that part wasn't so bad. It was bringing all these goodies home and wondering if we will ever get to use them...I opened up the package with all the cute little clothes I had picked out with Bubble in mind...and it was just so sad. I can't even describe it. I just felt so empty. We have baby stuff, but no baby. Not even an idea of when we might have another shot at having a baby....

I know I sound like a broken record, but it's not fair.

This sucks, and not just a little bit...a lot.

Somebody Call The Doctor...

So I am sick.

I knew it was coming.

It was only a matter of time...running around like crazy + stress + insomnia = illness of some form. Especially because I finally stopped on Monday after I had been pushing myself to keep going for the past few weeks. I ended up staying home from work today. I was up half the night with my nose running like a tap. This morning I woke feeling like death warmed up and as I struggled to get ready for work, I realised the smart thing to do was stay home.

My throat is on fire, my nose is running and I can't stop sneezing. I am lethargic, hot and my head feels all fuzzy. Nice combination.

I have spent the day on the couch, but despite being exhausted I haven't managed more than about 30 minutes of sleep...It doesn't help that it's stinking hot today and I am battling a fever plus I am trying to keep my fluids up which means I need to get up and pee every hour or so...doesn't really make for a nice napping experience.

DH got home a little while ago and was not impressed to find a sick wife lolling on the couch. He doesn't want to get sick while he is on days off..I don't blame him, but a little sympathy wouldn't go astray...no such luck.

I am hoping this is the worst of it and I can head back to work tomorrow. I don't really have many sick days and it's still busy at work so I don't want to fall behind. I have been dosing myself up on Ease a Colds (a natural cold and flu tablet) and panadol plus vitamin C in the form of freshly squeezed OJ. I also have some chicken marinating in the slow cooker for dinner tonight and added LOTS of garlic...figure it can't hurt. Not much else I can do but ride it out.

Did I mention I hate being sick???