CD19..another day passed

Edging closer to the end of this TWW. To be honest I would much rather if I could fast forward to the day AF is due. Would save all this waiting and wondering. I am still quite adamant that this cycle will be another big, fat fail...but I am willing to be proven wrong! Nothing feels any different to last month. My body seems to be doing the same things. Surely that's not a good sign? I mean seeming it has failed all these months, then surely it would need to do something different to give me a positive?!?

Weekend for me starts tomorrow. It's a relief at the moment that I only work 3 days a week. Next week I won't even have to be in the office either. I am taking Tuesday as a TOIL day so I can pick DH up from the airport and then very, very early Wednesday morning I fly up north to the main campus for a team day/staff retreat. It's only for 2 days/1 night but still sucks that it's happening when DH is home...but can't be helped. At least DH will be home to take care of the pup...and I can make him drive me to the airport and pick me up too (payback for the hundreds of times I have done it for him the past few years!!). 

I got my painting today! My auntie promised us one when we moved into our house last year so it is a very belated house warming present. It's absolutely gorgeous. I am so lucky to have such a talented auntie. Can't wait until DH is home so we can hang it!

 Isn't it gorgeous?!?! Makes me smile whenever I look at it...

ups and downs

CD21...somewhere in the TWW and doing my best not to let the crazies invade my headspace!!


Have had 2 days with heaps (and I mean heaps) of watery/lotiony CM. It's been enough to make my knickers wet...(keep forgetting a panty liner)


I am also having lots of crazy, vivid dreams...all seem so realistic too! I had a dream about POAS too which made me want to get up this morning and test...silly! But I held strong and didn't!!


All of this stuff could or couldn't be pregnancy related... Wish it was time to test..


Had a lazy start to the day and stayed in bed til lunch time. Was having a bit of a blaaah moment over some stupid stuff which made me want to stay in bed and have a pity party...BUT I got myself up and did the housework! Also printed out some uni stuff so I can get started on my first weeks readings. So I turned the day around, though nearly messed it up again when I spoke to DH this afternoon on the phone.


I am not sure why but I just started to get really cranky and upset with everything he was saying (and he definately WAS NOT saying anything awful). He was unimpressed and almost hung up on me...but didn't! The conversation picked up after my spin out thank goodness! DH's comment of course was 'maybe you're pregnant!' but I quickly told him not to get excited!


Hopefully booking our holiday next week. Just gotta sort out a few minor details!

the unknown..

I feel like my life is on hold until I test. I am sick of this anticipation...'Am I?...Aren't I?' *sigh*

My temp dropped today..not a lot, but still it was enough to depress me. I did have a restless sleep and don't think I got a solid 3 hours before I took my temperature. So I keep telling myself that maybe thats why I had a drop...(yeh, keep feeding the delusions...).

 A part of me is still hanging onto a shred of hope (as usual). This cycle seems different to the others..

-Tired. Always tired. 

-Still peeing a lot.

-Back to my stomach feeling really heavy.

-My cervix feels different from how it usually feels before AF arrives..it's quite soft and slightly higher.

-Lots of creamy CM, except its usually quite thick and at the moment it's creamy but a little watery. 

Who knows?!? It's a waiting game now. Your guess is as good as mine to whether I am UTD or not. I hope this is it. 

DH text me to say that he will be taking that new job. He must have sorted out the contract issues with them...I will talk to him tonight and find out more. So that means it will be back to a 14/7 roster. So crap when TTC. Depending on when he starts then he will probably miss next cycles chance (after the HyCoSy).

CD22/ 9DPO

HUGE temp rise this morning!!! OMG..I am starting to get a little bit excited that this might be it...BUT once again trying not to get too excited incase I am dissapointed again.

I am tired again today, but we were up at 4:45am so that might have something to do with it..though I did go to bed earlier to try and compensate. Have had a sore throat the past few days and as of yesterday I can taste/feel mucus at the back of my throat when I swallow (gross!!). So perhaps I am just getting a cold and that would account for all of these 'symptoms', including the higher temps..*sigh*

DH back at work so I somehow have to distract myself til Friday when I can test...no idea how I will manage that. I was so tempted to stop at the shops on the way home from work today and pick up some FRs..but I talked myself out of it. 9DPO is still too early. I am glad I have no tests in the house!

Went and had my BTs done today. Will call the FS tomorrow arvo to see if results are in..well I think the only result that I need to worry about is if I am ovulating or not. I am wondering whether the tests would show up if I was pregnant or not..I don't know whether that is a separate test altogether. I am having little daydreams of calling up for my results and having him tell me that I am pregnant...

LMFAO @ me. I am sad.And quite possibily slightly delusional...

Not much else to report. I am having some cramp/stitch like pains in my stomach. Hoping its not AF gearing up for arrival..Perhaps it's a little bubba getting comfy?!? I can only hope.

another day..

So here I am..CD20/7DPO and I feel NOTHING!!!! 

I don't know whether thats a good thing or not. In my mind there are 2 reason why I am not feeling any 'symptoms'. 

1. I have been keeping myself busy and have not had time (or sometimes energy) to obsess over every little thing that I feel; 

or..

2. There is actually nothing going on within my body and all the other cycles have been my imagination working over time!

I don't know which option I prefer?!?

Maybe it is the first one, as I have had DH here for an extra few days and this proves to be a great distraction. I mean when he's around I don't spend my days off sitting on the computer searching google for early pregnancy symptoms! 

Today I have done so much and I'm again exhausted..but I need to recover quickly as we have my parents and little sister coming round for dinner. Don't think it will be too late a night, but never the less I can't be yawning my head off at 6pm!

So what did I do today?

-cleaned the house

-two loads of washing

-helped DH clean the BBQ (it was disgusting!)

-baked Anzac biccies and a Mars Bar cheesecake

I think I have earnt my exhaustion!!

We watched movies last night. If you want to be scared senseless then watch 'Paranormal Activity'.

Had a realisation the other day watching a movie. One of the characters was pregnant and had a huge baby belly, which got me thinking. I cannot picture myself with a pregnant belly..I just cannot conjure up this image in my head. I cannot even begin to imagine seeing those 2 lines on a HPT. I don't know whether its my sad state of an imagination, or whether its the fact that I believe that pregnancy is so far out of my reach.. 

 

no energy

No energy today. It's raining and miserable so maybe that has something to do with it. I slept so well last night after all that manual labour..am a bit stiff today though! 

We have done next to nothing today..well we went out and bought groceries, but that was necessary given the lack of food in the house, and the fact that I promised my family they could come over tomorrow night for a BBQ dinner..

Got home, unpacked groceries and an overwhelming tiredness slipped over me. Lay down with DH to watch a movie and promptly fell asleep. Woke up in time for the end of the movie and put on another (which I managed to stay awake for). DH then made us a very, very late lunch..maybe more an afternoon snack! I still feel like I could lie down and sleep for hours. 

I hoped to do some baking this afternoon, but I really can't be bothered! Will make a cheesecake tomorrow to have for dessert...on DH's request. I haven't made a cheesecake for years..I hope it turns out ok. I want to go visit my grandma too. She is back at home now and doing well. Will try do that tomorrow or Monday.

TWW is actually NOT driving me too crazy. Still temping..just because I am curious, but once this cycle is over I will retire my thermometer for good. Have to go get all my blood tests done on Tuesday morning. Not looking forward to this as with the amount of tests the FS wants done, it is going to be ALOT of blood...

I haven't booked the HyCoSy in yet as I need to know when AF will arrive..I guess I can make a guess and change the appointment if I am wrong. Will give them a call Tuesday and see if there is much of a wait for appointments. Maybe it would be better if I get in a little early.

So 6DPO and no symptoms to obsess over...

nothing like manual labour to keep your mind off things!

DH decided that today we would tackle the garden...Mammoth task as we are surrounded by rainforest and live on almost an acre of land. Also...we have kept putting it off as everytime DH comes home it seems to rain!

Off DH went to buy a chainsaw..gotta love boys and their toys!! LOL 

So I spent the day lugging cut down tree branches, raking leaves and weeding out garden beds (all the way along our long, steep driveway). I cracked it during the last stages of raking up all the leaves and stuff...decided I had done enough. DH was very good about it and said I could stop, but then I felt guilty and kept going! It's worth it though..everything looks really good!! :)

After a nice, long, hot shower and some late lunch I had recovered somewhat, when DH said we should take the dog for a walk down by the beach. I agreed, and 1.5 hours later we were home!! 

So now I am sufficiently exhausted and ready to curl up on the couch for the night. Sounds like a good plan for me.

It's a long weekend for ANZAC Day (but I always have Mondays off, so it doesn't really matter. DH is home until Tuesday as the rig he works on is being repaired. So he gets an extra few days home and is happy! 

Not sure if he is taking the new job now or not. They have put stuff in the contract that wasn't discussed on the phone...so he has to find out some more information before he makes the decision...I think he is thinking about staying put, but wants to talk to his boss and see what the chances are of being trained up very soon.

On the TTC front..I am CD18/5DPO and have nothing to report. A few twinges in my stomach, but was so busy today that I didn't think twice about it all really. I figure I will start testing in a week...I will be 12DPO by then, so I should know either way. 

Had a crap moment today, but managed to overcome it quite well and without tears. DH's sister is insistant on sending him text updates on her pregnancy...ABOUT EVERYTHING!!! It is quite frustrating, and while DH tries to hide it from me (cos he knows it upsets me), in some weird way I need to know. Todays was..'healthy heartbeat at 8 weeks'. I was silent after he told me, and then took it out on the garden until DH took the rake off me..and then I was ok. I mean thinking about it now, it still gets me down a little, but I don't want to cry. 

I am sick of crying about this process. I am sick of feeling crap everytime someone mentions babies or pregnancy. I am sick of letting TTC take over my entire life and invading my mind every second of the day.

After the 'news', a new song came on (from the ipod we were listening to). '3 Little Birds' by Bob Marley. The lyrics are quite apt, so I figure everytime I feel crap about TTC, I will think of this song. It might help?!? 

CD16 / 3DPO..I think!

Played around with my FF chart today..and if I get another high temp tomorrow then FF will put in my crosshairs..Putting O day as CD13 (Sunday)!! Lots of BDing done around then..so perhaps we are in with a shot?!?

Having some strange sensations in my belly today. The heavy/crampy feeling has eased and has been replaced by twinges which are happening on and off all day. No idea what thats all about, but am trying not to read too much into it all yet...it's still very early days in the TWW!

Had a crap moment at work today. The lady I sit next to (who is a nurse) has commented the last 2 days about how tired I look. The nurse came out of her today and was all concerned about how I was feeling. I said I felt tired and she's like 'oh maybe you're pregnant!'. Of course I had to take the response of 'oh no I couldn't be..' type thing and she's like 'well I've planted the seed in your head now..sometimes these things happen!' It took all my willpower not to blurt out my whole sorry TTC story and the fact that it would be a miracle if I was pregnant, as the last 9 months have not produced any results..BUT I held my tongue. Work isn't the time or place for this type of thing.

I wish people would keep this type of comment to themselves. I know she meant well and was really concerned and wanted to make sure I am ok (that's what happens when you are a nurse I suppose), but people need to think about how sensative a topic pregnancy can be. Maybe you don't realise it until you are actively TTC (and having trouble)...but I know now I could never start hassling friends asking when they are going to have babies etc..because for all I know they are trying as hard as they can, without results!

Needless to say after this conversation, I just wanted to go and hide and have a good cry. But I couldn't as I had clients coming...

I am trying to stay positive and hope that our bubba might suprise us this month...It would be an absolute blessing if they did, as then we wouldn't even have to worry about DH's new roster..until it got closer to my due date..!! Hahaha..

C'mon little one..we are ready and waiting!!

Good news..well kinda

DH got a call this morning to offer him a new job. 

He applied the other week and had to get a medical done yesterday..Didn't think they would call so quickly and offer him a job though!! It's a really good opportunity as it's more money and they will hopefully train him up quickly so he can get his Drilling qualifications. One of his mates (who he has worked with previously) also works for this company and has given good reports. DH has accepted the position and when he heads back to work on Thursday he will give his notice to his current employer. He will be away for 10 days, come back for a night and then will leave the next morning to start his new job. 

Downside to this wonderful new job is that he will be back on a 14/7 roster. Right now he is extremely lucky and works even time-10/10. It's been great. He has done 14/7 before. It's bearable, but we weren't very successful in him being home at the right time of the month..

If my cycles stay about the same, then he might make it back next month in time. That would be great as I would have had the HyCoSy done and perhaps it will have worked it's magic and unblocked my tubes..and as DH keeps saying he can then 'impregnate me'...LOL

So I suppose it's good news, with a hint of bad?!?

Not much happening on the TTC front. I temped this morning but I had a really fitful sleep and my temp was very low, so I don't think it was accurate. I am still believing I am in the TWW. If I ovulated Saturday or Sunday then I am 2-3DPO. Not much happening. Been feeling a little crampy..not painful cramps though..more like a heavy sensation.

 No motivation at work today..I am over my job. It's not enough of a challenge for me and I like to be busy all the time..which I am not with this position. I would love to find something new, but I have been here almost a year and am entitled to maternity leave. It's such a cruisy job and the fact that I only work 3 days a week is so great! I figure that it's the perfect job to go back to once I have had a baby too. Very flexible, no stress and good hours...So I will grin and bear it for now.

CD14..maybe 1DPO?!?

Yes, I think I am officially in the TWW. Now I just need FF to confirm this with some cross hairs. Another 2 mornings of raised temps and I should get them too!! :)

Weekend was great. We went camping and the rain mostly held off. Only a few light showers but we had set up by then so it wasn't a bother. Was nice to get away with friends and just chill out and do absolutely nothing! Well not quite nothing..but just sit and eat and drink and play cards..it was good! Didn't want to come home..although I must say I missed my comfy bed!!

So looking at my temps I think I O'd yesterday but my temp might not be entirely accurate given I had a restless nights sleep in the tent and was probably cooler than what I would be at home. Oh well. I think we BDed enough around the weekend...so we are in with a shot I suppose. Had some horrific O pain on Friday night. It was like a stitch on my right hand side around my belly button. But about 100 times more painful! Especially when I moved or bent in certain ways. We were at a friends place Friday night and at one point I almost doubled over and cried out from the pain..but I had to bite my tongue! I mean what was I going to say?!? 'Sorry, I've just got some really bad ovulation pain...' Hahahaha..It seemed to ease by the time I went to bed and by the morning it was gone. So strange!

The FS appointment is at 12:30pm. I am nervous and excited all rolled into one. Not sure what to expect. Not sure what to ask. I have printed out all my FF charts to show him and I have my test results from my GP. We just called DH's GP to see if we could come and collect his test results, but they just said the FS could call up and get them. So hopefully that's correct. Am hoping like crazy that his results are all normal. It would be nice to rule him out of our problems trying to conceive. Then the FS can focus on me. 

Well we've got stuff to do before this appointment so I better go. Wish me luck!

CD2

I am struggling to bounce back from the unwanted arrival of AF. For me it gets harder each month to pick myself and keep going with this madness. If I didn't want a baby so badly then I would walk away from TTC. It is not enjoyable. I feel like the life is being sucked out of me. 

I live my life in 2 week incriments. 'Before O' & 'After O'. I spend my days waiting..waiting for AF to finish, waiting to O, then the dreaded TWW. And then it starts all over again. Month after month. 

I am confused about what my plan of attack should be for this new cycle. I think DH will be home around the right time. Not that this has helped in the past..

So do I over prepare? Buy up on OPKs, keep temping and get some pre-seed? Try anything and everything possible that might help us conceive? Or do I do the opposite, and do absolutely nothing???

I know either way I will be kicking myself by the time the TWW comes around, because I will be either so stressed out from doing all the extra stuff and obsessing over OPKs and temps...OR I will be freaking out because I don't know if we have BDed at the right time or if I have even ovulated...So damned if I do, damned if I don't.

My other thought is perhaps it doesn't matter what we do because there is something wrong with one (or both) of us and we have no chance that we will ever conceive until the problem is fixed by a doctor. It freaks me out when I think of this, because to think that these past 9 cycles have been a waste, that all the temping, OPKs and preseed bought, has been money down the drain...and we never had a chance. 

I try and make these thoughts leave quite quickly.

Sometimes I wish I could fast forward to the day I will get my BFP. And then I tell myself off for wanting to wish my life away...But I know that the day I see those 2 lines will be the happiest day of my life (bar our wedding day). I think I would be willing to fast forward through life to get to that moment. It may sound like a waste of my life, but right now life doesn't seem to crash hot anyways so I don't think I would miss much.

How much longer is this going to take???????

CD22/6DPO

Yes you read right..6DPO!! 

I played around with my FF chart this morning, and after I took out my first temp of the cycle (which was really low and out of place) it changed my O day to CD16 (from CD8)!!!!!!!!!!!! Which means we have a shot this month!!! We BDed 2 days before O and on O day, so hopefully it's all we need to get our much waited for BFP.

I am super excited now that I am back in the running for a 2010 baby! It does not bother me in the least that the baby would be due in December...I really don't care when our baby would be born..as long as he/she is healthy! Infact I figure if I was to get my BFP I would rather be having morning sickness now it's getting cooler, than to be feeling sick all day in the heat. 

Probably getting a little ahead of myself, but trying to be positive. Not reading into 'symptoms'...yet. The cramping I had the other days has stopped..so my only thought has been maybe it was implantation cramps? Asides from that I am not feeling anything different. But it's early days yet, and plenty of time to get into the swing of the TWW crazies! Hehehehe...

Hoping having DH home over the Easter weekend will take my mind off it a little. Still no plans, but we usually decide stuff pretty last minute anyways.