emotions

Day 2 of Letrozole and the side effect list is growing!

-headaches
-nausea
-dizziness
-hot flushes 

 It's miserable!! The worst for me is feeling nauseous. I hate being sick or feeling sick.

Plus I think the crazy mood swings are making an appearance too. I have been feeling extremely emotional today, which wasn't helped by SIL posting her 3D scan pics up on Facebook....

I think for a long while there I didn't actually believe she was pregnant. Infact (due to her past history) I thought it was all a big story, and she would eventually tell everyone she had miscarried. But I was wrong...she will have a baby in her arms by Christmas. 

I won't. 

There is not even a guarantee that I will be pregnant by Christmas. Infact, we might be preparing to start our first IVF cycle in January after 3 failed IUI cycles. 


Yes-I am getting somewhat ahead of myself.
Yes-we may get lucky before it comes to IVF.


BUT...

I have to prepare myself for worst case scenarios. I can't carry on all light hearted and sunshine. I am trying to take it one cycle at a time..but my brain likes to think 12 steps in front...which means thinking about SIL and how I will manage if we are no closer to a baby once she has given birth to hers. 

One day my brain is going to explode from all this over thinking...

bits and pieces

Feeling slightly better then yesterday. Her posts on FB have been pregnancy related ever since (which I knew would happen) so I need to find the 'hide' button until I feel ready to have that thrown in my face several times throughout the day.. (which may be never!)

DH is home and I am so glad. I got my hugs. He was exhausted yesterday so we didn't talk much in regard to the SILs news or TTC. Have talked a little with him this afternoon, but will delve deeper into these conversations over the next few days. He is still adament that if he's home next cycle then that will be it for us. I am not so optimistic...

On an up note, I have tomorrow off!!! Woohoo for 5 day weekends!! Apparantly I have too much flex time accrued, so I offered to take tomorrow off..haha! Nice to have an extra day with DH before he leaves again on Monday.

We are off to friends to watch the State of Origin tonight... I am not particularly keen on rugby, but going to catch up with friends is always nice.

Looking forward to a fun filled weekend. Even have a few bottles of wine in the fridge! Haha..I will be on the floor after a few glasses as its been a while since I drank!

On a sad note, one of my fellow TTCers Nani has decided it's time for a break. I can only imagine how hard this decision was to make, but hopefully it will give her time to recover, destress and bring some joy back in to her life.

My thoughts are with her and I'm sending her some love.

F$&@ it

The SIL has made her pregnancy annoucement on facebook, complete with photos of her BFP and scan.

For those of you who know the stories (yes stories-there is more than one..or perhaps it's a saga?!) about her, you will know what I have put up with over the years, and what type of person she is. And for those who don't, well to put it simply she does not like me.

I think it hurts more because:

1. She is such an awful person and it makes me wonder why she gets a baby when me and my lovely FB girls don't;

2. We have been TTC for what feels like forever.

So the status update came and it was like being punched in the stomach; I couldn't breathe. Then I realised there were photos and decided to punish myself even further and take a look. And then just to add insult to injury, she posts a big thing on DHs page saying he is 'officially' going to be an uncle and the god father?!!? WTF???????? News to me (and quite possibly to DH also). So now I am fuming and want to tell DH to tell her to piss off..is it just me or is it weird to have the uncle as a god parent??

Note she did not leave me a post saying I was going to be an aunty...LMAO. As if!!! Besides, I will only officially feel like an aunt if my little sister has kids.

I want to go off and have a cry but I am at work and there is no chance of finding any privacy here. Besides I don't want the questions that follow when people see you have been crying.

DH is home. Just got a message before. I'm glad. I needs massive amount of hugs right now.

nothing like manual labour to keep your mind off things!

DH decided that today we would tackle the garden...Mammoth task as we are surrounded by rainforest and live on almost an acre of land. Also...we have kept putting it off as everytime DH comes home it seems to rain!

Off DH went to buy a chainsaw..gotta love boys and their toys!! LOL 

So I spent the day lugging cut down tree branches, raking leaves and weeding out garden beds (all the way along our long, steep driveway). I cracked it during the last stages of raking up all the leaves and stuff...decided I had done enough. DH was very good about it and said I could stop, but then I felt guilty and kept going! It's worth it though..everything looks really good!! :)

After a nice, long, hot shower and some late lunch I had recovered somewhat, when DH said we should take the dog for a walk down by the beach. I agreed, and 1.5 hours later we were home!! 

So now I am sufficiently exhausted and ready to curl up on the couch for the night. Sounds like a good plan for me.

It's a long weekend for ANZAC Day (but I always have Mondays off, so it doesn't really matter. DH is home until Tuesday as the rig he works on is being repaired. So he gets an extra few days home and is happy! 

Not sure if he is taking the new job now or not. They have put stuff in the contract that wasn't discussed on the phone...so he has to find out some more information before he makes the decision...I think he is thinking about staying put, but wants to talk to his boss and see what the chances are of being trained up very soon.

On the TTC front..I am CD18/5DPO and have nothing to report. A few twinges in my stomach, but was so busy today that I didn't think twice about it all really. I figure I will start testing in a week...I will be 12DPO by then, so I should know either way. 

Had a crap moment today, but managed to overcome it quite well and without tears. DH's sister is insistant on sending him text updates on her pregnancy...ABOUT EVERYTHING!!! It is quite frustrating, and while DH tries to hide it from me (cos he knows it upsets me), in some weird way I need to know. Todays was..'healthy heartbeat at 8 weeks'. I was silent after he told me, and then took it out on the garden until DH took the rake off me..and then I was ok. I mean thinking about it now, it still gets me down a little, but I don't want to cry. 

I am sick of crying about this process. I am sick of feeling crap everytime someone mentions babies or pregnancy. I am sick of letting TTC take over my entire life and invading my mind every second of the day.

After the 'news', a new song came on (from the ipod we were listening to). '3 Little Birds' by Bob Marley. The lyrics are quite apt, so I figure everytime I feel crap about TTC, I will think of this song. It might help?!? 

CD26 / 10DPO

Well I was getting all excited as my temps kept rising over the weekend...and then today a massive temp drop below coverline. 

Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! 

Couple this with some browny tinged CM and cramps and I think AF is on her way :-(

I could get my hopes up and think it's implantation bleeding..but I have done that before only to be dissapointed. It will be enough of a let down when AF makes her arrival without adding positive thinking into the mix. 

So since that letdown this morning I have done nothing. DH has gone out fishing and I have stayed home. Been stuffing myself with Easter eggs and now I feel better. Must be all the chocolate, because I have nothing else to feel good about today.

DH still has not had a phone call to say when he will be going back to work. I was counting on first thing this morning, waking us up and expecting him to be at the airport in an hour (which is only doable in the wee hours of the morning when there is no traffic). But nothing yet. He thinks he will get told this afternoon and that the flight will be in the early hours of tomorrow morning. That would be right. Means that I have to get up super early and then drive myself back and go to work...BAH to that. 

I survived a lunch at SIL's house on Saturday. DH and I got into a fight about it that morning as I did not want to go. But he won. 

We got there late and under the impression that it was to be a big family lunch with lots of the relos. Got there to see no other cars parked out the front of their house. She lied. It was just us, her, her husband, his sister and the MIL. Yippee!! (please note sarcasim)

Was stuck sitting around a table. No where to go. Ate straight away. No talking required. Once the food was finished it was another story. 

Baby talk. Constantly. She could not shut up. And everytime someone changed the topic of discussion, she would turn it back on her again. She can not stand to not be centre of attention. It is infuriating.

I could not bring myself to join in on the baby talk. I just grit my teeth and listened. She is already buying up everything. Has already started organising a nursery. Asking people to be godparents. Personally I think it is a bit premature. I mean she is probably only about 4 weeks along, and after hanging around on BubHub for so long, I have seen that just because you got that BFP on a stick, does not mean you will be getting a baby in 9 months time. And she did tell DH the other day that her levels were quite low in her BT reasults the other day and that the doctor wanted her to get more done this week....I mean I think she is jumping the gun just slightly..especially with all the people she has told. 

I just sat there in silence pretty much the entire time. DH held my hand under the table which I appreciated. SIL was acting so strange..almost manic. Crazy laughing (over EVERYTHING) and talking so fast. I have often wondered whether she is an undiagnosed bipolar, as over the years she has acted like it quite often. 

DH managed to get us out of there after about 2 hours. It was a relief to leave. Hopefully we won't be expected to go back there anytime soon. Perhaps DH will feel that his duty has been fulfilled for awhile....

CD20 and apparantly 12DPO?!?

Bit of a catch up needed..Been a bit slack as I am mostly using my iPhone and I can't figure out how to post a blog entry from it??

Dedication Day..was lovely, but made me feel a bit sad. So many of my cousins friends were there, and they all have children. It was hard to keep a happy face plastered on with all these mummies and daddies wandering round with their beautiful babies, not to mention the little toddlers running all over the place. Bittersweet I suppose you could say. I managed to have cuddles with the twins, and funnily enough that made me feel better. I felt so content while I had a bubba in my arms...

DH has had his bloodtests done. Hasn't done the SA yet, as we have to ring up and check when a good day/time to bring the sample in...this may have to wait until he is home next. Hopefully he can ring up and find out his BT results on Thursday before doctor shuts down for Easter. 

I had one of my worst nightmares come true today. 

DH got a phone call just before I was leaving for work.

It was his sister.

She's pregnant.....

He got off the phone and told me...I lost it. Started bawling my eyes out and became the 'Crazy, Emotional TTC Woman'. DH started saying 'its ok..it's just not our time yet', which needless to say did nothing to comfort me or make me feel any better about what he had just told me. When this didn't ease up my emotional outburst, he started to get angry...yelling about me being too stressed to fall pregnant, how I am obsessed with having a baby and nothing is going to happen until I stop taking it to heart so much. 

Nice. How can I NOT take this to heart???? Seeing negative test after negative test, month after month...It's not easy to just cop that sweet and go along my merry way. Sooner or later it is going to take it's toll on me. 

Well I think it well and truly did this morning. It felt like a mini breakdown. I literally could not move off the bed for about 10 minutes..but realised I had to put on a brave face and go to work. I was not getting any sympathy from DH. My last words to him before I drove off were 'Thanks for your support'...

I am probably sounding like a crazy, jealous cow right now...why wouldn't I be happy for my SIL? Well that's a whole other story, and I think it's one that warrants it's own post. So for now I will just say she is not a very nice person, one which I personally believe should not be having children until she works out her own issues...

I don't think I would have reacted quite so strongly to this news, if we were not on the brink of seeing FS. I also think that knowing this was our last chance for a 2010 bub has made an impact on me...and now knowing that SIL will get a 2010 bub just rubs salt into my open wound.

So today was a day where it was an effort to put one foot infront of the other. Even more effort to do my job, see clients, listen and actually show them that I care. I guess working on other people's problems lets me forget about my own for a while...