CD5

I think AF is almost done. Down to spotting now, so I am glad to see the end of her. This has been the longest and heaviest AF since I came off the pill last August. Perhaps my body has finally cleaned itself out properly and now it's ready to be pregnant?!? A few of the BH girls have said that their AFs before their BFP were really heavy and painful...so here's hoping!

I was reading a pregnancy diary on BH this morning, and this woman is having her 3rd baby and has found out its a boy. She already has 2 boys and was talking about how angry and upset she is that she isn't having a girl. 

This upsets me. 

She is about to have her 3rd child. I am struggling to be able to have one.

I would be happy to just fall pregnant at this point in time, and honestly could not care if we were blessed with a boy or a girl. I can't believe that someone would be that upset over the sex of a baby..Ok fair enough every mother would like a little girl..but come on! There are people out there that are not even able to have one. She should be counting herself lucky that she is up to number 3!!!!

Just gets to me..Sorry about the rant.

No plans for the weekend. Meant to be going to a friends birthday BBQ & drinks tonight. But I don't know if I will go. Everyone will be in couples and I am still not used to going to stuff like that when DH is away. Makes me feel awkward when everyone is sitting with their other halves..and then there's me. Will see how I feel tonight.

CD20 and apparantly 12DPO?!?

Bit of a catch up needed..Been a bit slack as I am mostly using my iPhone and I can't figure out how to post a blog entry from it??

Dedication Day..was lovely, but made me feel a bit sad. So many of my cousins friends were there, and they all have children. It was hard to keep a happy face plastered on with all these mummies and daddies wandering round with their beautiful babies, not to mention the little toddlers running all over the place. Bittersweet I suppose you could say. I managed to have cuddles with the twins, and funnily enough that made me feel better. I felt so content while I had a bubba in my arms...

DH has had his bloodtests done. Hasn't done the SA yet, as we have to ring up and check when a good day/time to bring the sample in...this may have to wait until he is home next. Hopefully he can ring up and find out his BT results on Thursday before doctor shuts down for Easter. 

I had one of my worst nightmares come true today. 

DH got a phone call just before I was leaving for work.

It was his sister.

She's pregnant.....

He got off the phone and told me...I lost it. Started bawling my eyes out and became the 'Crazy, Emotional TTC Woman'. DH started saying 'its ok..it's just not our time yet', which needless to say did nothing to comfort me or make me feel any better about what he had just told me. When this didn't ease up my emotional outburst, he started to get angry...yelling about me being too stressed to fall pregnant, how I am obsessed with having a baby and nothing is going to happen until I stop taking it to heart so much. 

Nice. How can I NOT take this to heart???? Seeing negative test after negative test, month after month...It's not easy to just cop that sweet and go along my merry way. Sooner or later it is going to take it's toll on me. 

Well I think it well and truly did this morning. It felt like a mini breakdown. I literally could not move off the bed for about 10 minutes..but realised I had to put on a brave face and go to work. I was not getting any sympathy from DH. My last words to him before I drove off were 'Thanks for your support'...

I am probably sounding like a crazy, jealous cow right now...why wouldn't I be happy for my SIL? Well that's a whole other story, and I think it's one that warrants it's own post. So for now I will just say she is not a very nice person, one which I personally believe should not be having children until she works out her own issues...

I don't think I would have reacted quite so strongly to this news, if we were not on the brink of seeing FS. I also think that knowing this was our last chance for a 2010 bub has made an impact on me...and now knowing that SIL will get a 2010 bub just rubs salt into my open wound.

So today was a day where it was an effort to put one foot infront of the other. Even more effort to do my job, see clients, listen and actually show them that I care. I guess working on other people's problems lets me forget about my own for a while...