In the Waiting Room

Sunday, February 27, 2011

I have probably blogged about this before, but I think when you are on this journey it's something that pops into your mind quite frequently...(or maybe it's just me?).

Do you ever feel like you are being left behind? Like everyone elses lives are moving forward and you are left sitting in the waiting room of life, not progressing, just sitting and feeling stagnate. Perhaps it's just magnified for me now while I sit in limbo land, waiting and wondering as to where we will be headed next.

Every now and again this feeling hits me, and it hits hard. Watching while people around me move forward with their pregnant bellies, their growing children. They get to share photos of ultrasounds, growing bellies and tell stories about feeling the first kicks. All I can share is how to inject yourself, the side effects of fertility drugs and a photo of our embryo before we had our transfer...doesn't quite compare, does it?!

The gap widens each day, week, month...

They of course feel bad about sharing anything pregnancy related and I feel bad about whinging to them about my ongoing struggle with TTC and infertility. Common ground is the basics..weather, work, weekends...but even these can involve pieces of our fertile/infertile lives. The line gets blurred.

I know eventually the contact will be cut even more. As mums busy with their new babies, wanting to share their new addition and their happiness...too awkward to do with someone like me. And from my end, despite wanting to be happy for them and the new journey they will embark on as mums, I won't be able to rid myself of the bitter taste of jealousy. I won't be able to stop the pain that tears my heart apart as I sit and wonder when it will be my turn. So it will be easier for me to turn away, and for them to drift onwards...

9 comments:

Misty said...

I constantly feel left behind. It's a hard feeling to deal with and it sucks. Hugs.

Lauren said...

Yes. I always feel left behind. I think now that we're finally starting IVF, it kind of makes me feel more "in the club," but everyone around me seems to already be pregnant, including on the blogs :(

Reedu said...

My husband I were out for a rare night with friends yesterday and we found out that one of our couple friends who was there are newly pregnant. They are expecting their third while the woman's sister and good friend (who were also there with their husbands) are both TTC and the latter is even going the IVF route. Only a few people knew the news though, my husband and I included, and so mix a joyous secret with alcohol and it only gets awkward from there. Of course the news got out as the night went on. And as I predicted, the sister of the woman was more offended she didn't know. Of course that's not to say there are not jealousy pangs going on behind closed doors. I am sure there are and of course that makes me sad. I have no idea why some people are so lucky and for others it takes a bit more work. It is without question, unfair.

Thinking of you in Brooklyn from ILCW (ReeWrite)

Jenny said...

Oh how I hate this seemingly eternal stay in the waiting room!

I'm very sorry to read about your struggles and your recent loss. I hope that the appointment with your new FS at the end of March is the start of a fairly quick and painless journey to your future child.

Kat said...

I feel for you and I definitely know what you're going through. As I live in a different country from most people I know who have bumps and babies it can be easier for me, but I almost feel like I'm waiting for myself. Waiting for the life I see for myself to begin.

Liz said...

I completely understand how you are feeling. It is hard to feel like some things come so easily to people and are much harder to achieve for others. It is hard to feel like you were on the track to having a baby and unexpectedly got booted off, I completely understand...

New Year Mum said...

I was thinking exactly the same thing when I was sitting in the FS waiting room this morning... we are in the waiting room of life at the moment xoxo

infertilefollies said...

What a coincidence, I just posted about this too. I hate feeling left out, like the last kid to be picked for kickball. It hurts that so many others have it so easy...
HUGS to you!
*ICLW*

Emby said...

I feel the same way. I feel like I am just stuck and everyone else is moving on. The feeling I hate the most is feeling like people with children have all this "experience" and it makes them "wiser" and I seriously feel like they talk down to me. But, I am sure I am just super sensitive and it's just me MOST of the time. I hope that we all get to move forward soon!