Missing It

Sunday, February 19, 2012

I miss being pregnant. 

I miss my baby bump. I miss feeling H kicking and moving around inside of me. 
I miss my pregnant body. I absolutely LOVED how I looked while pregnant. I loved that my hair and skin were awesome and healthy. I just felt good and really confident about my body. I was so blessed to have a wonderful pregnancy which I enjoyed (despite my paranoia about miscarrying again) every minute of.

I am probably going to sound incredibly weird but I'm going to say it anyway...I have been looking back at photos of myself while pregnant and photos of my growing bump..and it makes me cry. That's how much I miss it. I don't know whether it's just hormones playing up on me, or what...I even see other pregnant woman around and I start to feel jealous! I mean what is that about?!? I am pushing around a newborn in a pram..what on earth am I feeling jealous for?! I feel stupid, but I just can't help the way my brain is working right now. 

I want to be pregnant again. I don't know whether I mean I just want to go back to being pregnant with H..like if I could rewind time or something...OR whether I mean I want to do it all over again. Part of me thinks that I'm feeling like this because I'm realising that I might never be pregnant again..that this was it and it went by way too quickly. 

Yes, we have 4 more embies on ice. But I don't know if I want to go back and do the whole IVF thing again.  The thought of placenta praevia again and blood loss also scares me off going back for a 2nd child. Especially considering that the chances of PP increase once you have a c-section AND because of the c-section scar you can end up with placenta accreta which is just as bad (if not worse) than PP. 

If we did go back and try again, who's to say we would be successful? We could lose all 4 embies in the thawing process or just do 2 failed FETs (assuming we put back 2 embies at a time). Then we would face another stim cycle...and like I said before-I'm not sure if I want to do that over again. I don't know if DH would be willing to start over again either. 

So maybe my sadness over missing being pregnant and the jealous feeling of other pregnant woman is me trying to come to terms with the possibility of never going through pregnancy again. 

It may also be the fact that I liked my pregnant body a whole lot more than my post baby body. My stomach just doesn't feel right...it's all weird and floppy. Around my c-section scar I have little to no feeling and it's just odd. I have a stretch mark on my belly which did not appear until after H had arrived (up until the day of his birth I thought I had escaped the stretch marks). And don't get me started on my leaky, lumpy, painful boobs and red raw nipples! Don't get me wrong..I appreciate that all this comes from having a baby and trust me, I am so very, very grateful that we were blessed with a baby. I guess it's more I went from feeling great and confident about my body...to feeling uncomfortable and strange in my own skin. 

Ugh...I don't even really know if my post is making sense. But I need these rambling feelings out of my head so I can try and sleep before H wakes up. If you got this far-thanks for reading.

Nigel No Friends

Saturday, February 18, 2012

Feeling low tonight. I've even had a little cry in the shower. First time I've cried since DH has been away so I think I'm doing pretty well. It's just that I'm feeling lonely and realising that because the majority of my friends don't have babies that I don't really have anyone to do the mummy thing with...

I have 1 friend that lives close by that has a bub who is over 4 months old now. 2 other friends live over an hour away and both have almost 1 year olds. My cousin also lives close by and has 2 and half year old twins but will be moving over 4 hours away soon. And that's it...not one of my other friends have young children (or children at all). 

I want to join a mothers group. You do get linked with one through the Child Health Centre. They let you attend 6 weeks worth of 'classes' on baby related stuff and from there most people form a mothers group...but I couldn't get into any classes until late April!!! April!! What use is that to me now?!?! This was going to be my sure fire way of meeting other mums with similar aged babies...and I get told they can't get me in until April. So I don't even know if I'll be in a class with mums who have babies around the same age or not. Very dissapointed. 

I don't really know how else to meet mums. I'm at a loss and feeling like I'll be spending my entire maternity leave at home on my own, or hanging out with my mum and sister when they are free. 

It was better when DH was home as I wasn't worried about finding other mums. I was happy just to hang out as a little family-the 3 of us. 

So I'm feeling very friendless and the prospect of not having other mums going through similar stuff to talk to is making me feel very blue. 

I'm Alive...

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

DH went back to work yesterday for 2 weeks so I am parenting solo! H and I survived the first day and night with little drama. Very proud of myself. Lets hope the next 14 nights are just as good! DH was very sad to go back to work and leave us. We are going to try and Skype every night/day (depending if he's on night or day shift) so that he can see H and I have also been instructed that I need to take a million photos and video everything so he doesn't miss a thing!

H will be 6 weeks old on Friday. I am amazed at how much he has grown and changed in this time! He is such a beautiful little boy. I am totally and utterly in love. Motherhood is everything I imagined (and more).  He is sleeping in 4-5 hour stretches at night which is doing wonders for my sanity and energy. During the day he has quite a few naps but in between he is a lot more alert and checking out his surroundings. We have had quite a few real smiles in the last week or so which is just beautiful! He makes us work for them though..cheeky boy.

I am still debating what to do with the blog...I am also debating about going private due to some issues with my SIL (very long story for another post) as I'd hate for her to find this blog...I have so much more to write but it's late and I need some sleep. I am still reading along with all your blogs but generally I'm on my phone and I find it hard to comment through it.