Missing It

Sunday, February 19, 2012

I miss being pregnant. 

I miss my baby bump. I miss feeling H kicking and moving around inside of me. 
I miss my pregnant body. I absolutely LOVED how I looked while pregnant. I loved that my hair and skin were awesome and healthy. I just felt good and really confident about my body. I was so blessed to have a wonderful pregnancy which I enjoyed (despite my paranoia about miscarrying again) every minute of.

I am probably going to sound incredibly weird but I'm going to say it anyway...I have been looking back at photos of myself while pregnant and photos of my growing bump..and it makes me cry. That's how much I miss it. I don't know whether it's just hormones playing up on me, or what...I even see other pregnant woman around and I start to feel jealous! I mean what is that about?!? I am pushing around a newborn in a pram..what on earth am I feeling jealous for?! I feel stupid, but I just can't help the way my brain is working right now. 

I want to be pregnant again. I don't know whether I mean I just want to go back to being pregnant with H..like if I could rewind time or something...OR whether I mean I want to do it all over again. Part of me thinks that I'm feeling like this because I'm realising that I might never be pregnant again..that this was it and it went by way too quickly. 

Yes, we have 4 more embies on ice. But I don't know if I want to go back and do the whole IVF thing again.  The thought of placenta praevia again and blood loss also scares me off going back for a 2nd child. Especially considering that the chances of PP increase once you have a c-section AND because of the c-section scar you can end up with placenta accreta which is just as bad (if not worse) than PP. 

If we did go back and try again, who's to say we would be successful? We could lose all 4 embies in the thawing process or just do 2 failed FETs (assuming we put back 2 embies at a time). Then we would face another stim cycle...and like I said before-I'm not sure if I want to do that over again. I don't know if DH would be willing to start over again either. 

So maybe my sadness over missing being pregnant and the jealous feeling of other pregnant woman is me trying to come to terms with the possibility of never going through pregnancy again. 

It may also be the fact that I liked my pregnant body a whole lot more than my post baby body. My stomach just doesn't feel right...it's all weird and floppy. Around my c-section scar I have little to no feeling and it's just odd. I have a stretch mark on my belly which did not appear until after H had arrived (up until the day of his birth I thought I had escaped the stretch marks). And don't get me started on my leaky, lumpy, painful boobs and red raw nipples! Don't get me wrong..I appreciate that all this comes from having a baby and trust me, I am so very, very grateful that we were blessed with a baby. I guess it's more I went from feeling great and confident about my body...to feeling uncomfortable and strange in my own skin. 

Ugh...I don't even really know if my post is making sense. But I need these rambling feelings out of my head so I can try and sleep before H wakes up. If you got this far-thanks for reading.


Just Us & A Miracle Baby too! said...

I'll admit, I think you are a little crazy for missing being pregnant ;) But I look back on my pregnancy body and miss that after seeing my PP body! I have lots of stretch marks and my stomach feels mushy. I also have the weird sensations near my c-section scar and I hate it. I am planning on buying some new clothes to boost my mood here soon :) As for wanting another baby, I am having the opposite problem, I love little R so much I can't imagine having another and loving that one as much as I love him!

GS said...

No. Not crazy. I look back at my pregnancy photos often enough. I loved how clear my skin was and how full bodied my hair was. I liked feeling Z moving around inside. I liked the anticipation. I missed being pregnant and all throughout Zeke's life I've had intermittent periods of an intense desire to do it again.

Things are still really fresh for you at the moment. There are a lot of challenges that lie ahead. What you feel now will evolve as you learn what raising a baby is all about. Experience counts. If your heart is really in having another, the fears that you currently harbour will be outweighed by the desire again. Birth and sleepless nights and sore boobs and screaming baby becomes a distant memory. When you know what the outcome of months of motherhood brings, there is not much which will stand in the way. :-)

Just Us A Miracle Baby Too raises the other side. Eventually you will also become so connected to H that it is difficult to imagine ever loving another quite as much. Even this is overcomable. <- Yay for good grammar!

As far as the hormones, your milk should be starting to regulate now and so the hormones will be shifting. Your body will be starting to work itself back into a state of normality. It takes time. Closer to the three month mark you'll probably start to feel "normal" even if physically it bears the scars of H. 10 months on and I can still just vaguely see the linea nigra and my abs are still not quite fused together. Apparently is takes two years to full recover. About the time when peak post baby fertility dies. lol.

Anyway, point of this bloody big long essay is that what you're feeling is real and valid. Some will be hormones and they will even out over time...as will the reality of going back down the IVF pathway etc.

P.S. I still hate the stupid character validation thing.

P.P.S. How did your PP checkup go?

Mel said...

Summa, I feel EXACTLY the same... I miss being pregnant, I miss my body, feeling P moving, kicking and tickling me, I get sad wondering if she will be our only miracle. I was jealous of other pregnant women the day I left the hospital.... I am more than grateful to have her here and am loving her smiles and cuddles but I feel the pregnancy went way too fast.....

Anyway, just wanted to say I know how you feel.... Xxx mel