I miss being pregnant.
I miss my baby bump. I miss feeling H kicking and moving around inside of me.
I miss my pregnant body. I absolutely LOVED how I looked while pregnant. I loved that my hair and skin were awesome and healthy. I just felt good and really confident about my body. I was so blessed to have a wonderful pregnancy which I enjoyed (despite my paranoia about miscarrying again) every minute of.
I am probably going to sound incredibly weird but I'm going to say it anyway...I have been looking back at photos of myself while pregnant and photos of my growing bump..and it makes me cry. That's how much I miss it. I don't know whether it's just hormones playing up on me, or what...I even see other pregnant woman around and I start to feel jealous! I mean what is that about?!? I am pushing around a newborn in a pram..what on earth am I feeling jealous for?! I feel stupid, but I just can't help the way my brain is working right now.
I want to be pregnant again. I don't know whether I mean I just want to go back to being pregnant with H..like if I could rewind time or something...OR whether I mean I want to do it all over again. Part of me thinks that I'm feeling like this because I'm realising that I might never be pregnant again..that this was it and it went by way too quickly.
Yes, we have 4 more embies on ice. But I don't know if I want to go back and do the whole IVF thing again. The thought of placenta praevia again and blood loss also scares me off going back for a 2nd child. Especially considering that the chances of PP increase once you have a c-section AND because of the c-section scar you can end up with placenta accreta which is just as bad (if not worse) than PP.
If we did go back and try again, who's to say we would be successful? We could lose all 4 embies in the thawing process or just do 2 failed FETs (assuming we put back 2 embies at a time). Then we would face another stim cycle...and like I said before-I'm not sure if I want to do that over again. I don't know if DH would be willing to start over again either.
So maybe my sadness over missing being pregnant and the jealous feeling of other pregnant woman is me trying to come to terms with the possibility of never going through pregnancy again.
It may also be the fact that I liked my pregnant body a whole lot more than my post baby body. My stomach just doesn't feel right...it's all weird and floppy. Around my c-section scar I have little to no feeling and it's just odd. I have a stretch mark on my belly which did not appear until after H had arrived (up until the day of his birth I thought I had escaped the stretch marks). And don't get me started on my leaky, lumpy, painful boobs and red raw nipples! Don't get me wrong..I appreciate that all this comes from having a baby and trust me, I am so very, very grateful that we were blessed with a baby. I guess it's more I went from feeling great and confident about my body...to feeling uncomfortable and strange in my own skin.
Ugh...I don't even really know if my post is making sense. But I need these rambling feelings out of my head so I can try and sleep before H wakes up. If you got this far-thanks for reading.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
I miss being pregnant.
Posted by Summastarlet at 10:21 PM