Wah Wah Wah

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

So I'm at work but feeling quite uninterested. Trying to figure out if I canactually blog from my iPhone (don't roll your eyes at me GS..I am not only fertility challenged-I am technologically challenged as well!!). LOL

I should be feeling good. We have had cake and champagne at work for a birthday celebration. The sushi lady came, so I have some delicious teriyaki and avo sushi for lunch. The work day is half over and so is my working week. But I still can't shake this feeling. That black dog is hanging over me and clouding over even the simplest of pleasures. *shakes fist at the stupid dog*

I feel like life is on hold until July, when perhaps I might get some answers...or better yet,a solution!!! But there are no guarantees. No one can promise me a baby. No onecan promise that the FS will figure out what's wrong with me. No one can guarantee DH will ever be home to try and make a baby with.

If I could even be promised just one of those things, then maybe I would have some hope. But it doesn't work like that. No promises, no guarantees. Nothing. How sucky is that?!? You just have to wait and see. Wait for more dissapointment. Wait for more heart ache. Wait for something else to come along and ruin your plans.

Life.

I feel like this cycle is a big waste. And I'm right. I have done nothing. There is not even a slight chance that I am pregnant. Not even a smidge. Actually maybe there has never been a chance, but I just didn't know it. I supposeeven if there wasn't then at least I had hope.

But there is no more hope right now. It makes it much easier in some ways. But I suppose it's a much bleaker view. No rays of sunshine streaming through. Just grey clouds.

That's what it feels like anyway. I have no hope about falling pregnant. No hope that we will hold our own baby. No hope that I will have 2 children before I am 30. Yes, this may sound dramatic and over the top, but I might be right!! Some women spend years and years trying to have a baby. I could be one of them. There is no guarantee that I'm not.

I suppose I am preparing myself for the absolute worst chance scenario. If I had of done this when we first started TTC and didn't convince myself that I would fall in the first fewmonghs then perhaps I wouldn't be feeling quite so crappy about the whole ordeal. So now, I prepare myself. Don't expect it. Don't build up your hopes, as generally they will be dashed. And you will feel a little bit worse each time.

Everyone is moving forward with their TTC journies. But not me. I am standing still. Feeling useless. Feeling infertile. Feeling that for some reason the universe has decided that I am not fit to be a mother.

I could go on all day...blah blah blah. But I won't subject anyone (who has actually managed to get through this depressing post)to anymore of my crap.

6 comments:

Green Sprout said...

SS, you need to sit down with your DH and have a real frank face to face, heart to heart conversation about what is going on here. I think more specifically, you need to very clearly convey how poorly this is affecting you on a day to day basis. In man speak, this means doing your damned best effort at not having an emotional fall apart while you say to him "watching each cycle fly out the window with NO hope of conception is making me feel DEPRESSED" "I feel this can be rectified with IUI and would like it if you would consent to this process". Or otherwise sit down and work out a mutually agreeable plan. It takes two to have a baby and compromise needs to be reached on both sides.

BTW, cannot help but be amused by how well you know me. :-P

Summastarlet said...

Thought that would amuse you!

DH knows how crap this whole TTC thing is making me feel..but because he isn't here all the time, I don't think he realises that it really is as bad as I say. *sigh*

I don't think there is a mutually agreeable plan.
He just wants to keep trying and see what happens (while I continue to have tests to see what's wrong with me)...I want to jump into IUI.

Unless I can convince him (and the FS) then we get nowhere. Nothing can be done about his work roster, so there is no point even looking at that as a way out of this mess.

It would be a whole different ball game if he had a normal job and was home all the time. Then we could look at what drugs were available and head down that road..but it seems like a pointless exercise when he's not around much.

BAH!!!!!!!!!

Green Sprout said...

Hmmm... ok so what is his objection to IUI? Is it an attachment to the via penis delivery method?

Shel said...

((SUMMA)) It is so hard some times! I agree with GS, you need to sit down and talk to DH! Explaining to him the strain this is putting on you, and you understand its hard with his job, but its hard for too and you do need to put a plan into place. You are both young but having taken this long if you keep putting it off before you know it your nearly 30 like me! :(

Be open and honest with how you feel, boys sometimes have trouble understanding us but if you put it in black and white for them they hopefully will get it. Besides he loves you and seeing you depressed and upset should be enough to at least do something. Anything but at least like GS said a plan forward.

I know what it feels like to wait 3 months, it does eat at you, I was lucky I had an end point. :(

Shel said...

OMG did you see that I posted a comment to you Blog YAYAYAYAAY!! you impressed GS? hehe

Green Sprout said...

Ahhhh Shel... yep applause for you to! :-D