Friday, August 20, 2010

So here we are.
Cycle #15 of TTC our first child.
3rd cycle of fertility drugs.
Last cycle before we move on to other assisted conception methods. 

At last talk with the FS it will be IUI coupled with drugs for 3 cycles and then IVF. He may have changed his mind when we get there next never know. Currently I am still debating whether I go back this month and discuss the option of a laparoscopy. The increasingly painful periods I have been suffering makes me wonder about endo, and the doctor did make mention of the possibility of a lap being done (but can't remember what his reasoning was at this stage). I am debating because this AF is already way, way down on the pain scale compared to last month. I mean I can actually move and walk around! I don't need strong drugs and a heat pack. BIG DIFFERENCE! So now wondering whether there is any point getting a lap done?!? I mean no other internal type test has showed anything wrong. My PCOS diagnosis is by BT only. Do I put myself through surgery just because? 

I can't really explain how I am feeling right now. I can't seem to put words down that adequately express just how much this hurts. Long term TTCers will have more than a good idea I am sure. 

I feel like each cycle I lose another little piece of happiness, another piece of my positivity. I started out on this journey full of naive hope and optimism. The longer I trudge along this path, the harder it gets to pull myself up after another fail. 

This month even my other half-my optimist, is having trouble. The look on his face when I told him my period had arrived was devastating. We must have seen the same pain in each others faces and all we could do was hold each other. No words were needed. 

I have noticed that even he is now saying 'IF we have kids' instead of 'WHEN'. We have discussed that this is the last cycle on just the drugs and next time we will be moving onto IUI (we think). DH is ok with this. I think at this point he will agree with anything if we get a baby at the end of it. 

I am feeling very inadequate. I can't do the one thing that my body is made to do. I can't give my husband a son or daughter. It is looking very likely that we will need more than just drugs to achieve this. 
My body is a failure. 
I feel like a failure. 

And the main thought that surrounds all this other crap that is running through my head is 
 'what if my one chance at this was when I was 18??????'....

You know, the main reason why I don't want to tell my family about us TTC? Because I am scared out of my mind that one of them will bring this up. That I had my chance and I threw it away. That it's my own fault and I should have thought about the possibilities back then. That it serves me right for doing what I did.

And I couldn't stand hearing it from them. 
I hear it running through my brain every hour of every day. 
It's torture. 

So we continue to keep our secret and suffer silently.  
We are all smiles and happy faces whenever we see anyone else. 
When asked about kids we brush it off while trying not to create suspision. 
We continue to hear about DH's sister as she creeps closer to her due date and pretend like we give a damn (well DH does, I don't). 

And when we are alone we discuss the possibility of never having children of our own. 
We prepare ourselves for hard times. 
While we secretly wait in hope for the end of each cycle. Hoping that this is the month, that 2 lines will appear.


Green Sprout said...

Nothing to say. Nothing to add. Just thinking of you and worried about you...

Lindsay said...

Oh my. It is so hard to put emotions of pain into actual words. You have an all I can say is that I hurt for you. I feel for you. I want for you to feel better. To not feel like failure.

I hope its ok if us reading and sharing with you continue to say 'when you have a baby'. Even when you don't have hope or feel lost, we are still hoping for you.

Nani said...

Hi Hun, thinking of you and A. Sending lots and lots of love your way. <3