Tuesday, September 14, 2010

AF arrived later this afternoon. Knew buying tests would help her show up....

I feel like such an idiot getting my hopes up like that. I really did think that it was finally my time. So much so that when I bought the tests...I also bought a little present (baby rattle) to give to DH along with what I thought would be a test with 2 lines on it.


Way to count my eggs before they've hatched...

I know I have been in a lot better frame of mind about all this stuff, but it's hit me today...
We are not going to conceive a baby naturally.
We can't.
And I thought I was ok with this and that I'd come to terms with it...
But I haven't. I'm a mess.
I feel like crap. I just want to curl up and go to sleep until all this is over. Wake up when I have a baby growing in my belly. That would be nice.

And despite having an extended support system around me now...I don't want to talk to any of them about this. I don't even want to talk to DH about this. I haven't even told him that my period has arrived. Or that we have an appointment with the IVF clinic on Monday. I know once I start talking I will burst into tears...and I won't be able to stop.

I am sick of crying about this. I've shed enough tears to last me a lifetime. And I know if I cry then poor DH is at a loss. He doesn't know what to say to make me feel better...I don't think there is anything that anyone could say to make me feel better about this. Hugs help...but there are no words.

And people who tell poor long time TTCers to relax can go F%$# themselves!
We went on a freaking holiday overseas to a beautiful beach resort. We had fun.
Relaxing and holidays are a load of crap. And if anyone ever says that to me again...well they won't know what hit them when I am through telling them off.

I'm just so angry at the world. I't doesn't seem fair. SIL has 11 weeks to go and will have a baby.



Lindsay said...

I hope you feel a little bit better blogging about this. I know its not much when I say I know how you feel, but I do. sending hugs

Green Sprout said...

You need to be a little realistic with yourself. Just because you've shift mindset doesn't mean that it isn't going to hurt. Until you stop giving a shit completely ( really???) then it will hurt, every single time. It will also hurt most on the day when AF arrives. Guaranteed. It is like falling off a bike. You don't just get up and start walking around straight away. From my perspective, if you weren't a bit upset then I'd either think you reallly didn't want it or were some scary ass positivity freak... So once again, don't punish yourself for being human and caring and feeling the pain.

As far as your support network. They are not there so you can have a cry just on the day when AF arrives. They are a long term survival tool. There are going to be days if not weeks where you don't feel like talking about anything at all. Then there will be times when you'll have to major tanti and cry until 3am. The beauty of the network is that they are all there when you need to have the out and equally, they will be the ones who don't ask you about babies and familes and the rest of that crap. They give you that space when you need it.

Have your moment/hour/week/whatever. Feel the pain. Shut down for a while. Whatever you need. Then stand back up again. You are on to something new and a step closer. It is hard to walk on barbed wire but as long as you don't stop, you will reach your final destination.... a little worse of a wear but the cuts will start to heal on the otherside.