where to begin?!

It's been a full on day. I am so tired. I just want to crawl into bed and sleep. Everything that's happened today is swimming around in my head...

Our appointment with the IVF clinic was first thing this morning. We were both nervous and a bit unsure what to expect. I had warned DH that I wanted to press the issue of getting his sperm taken today so we did not have to skip a cycle and he had agreed to back me up.

The nurses were lovely. They were so friendly and tried to put us at ease. I have no qualms about working closely with them through the next part of our journey. They will be kind and understanding.

First went through our TTC history. They had not yet received the letter from my FS so I had to fill them in on what we have been doing and where we are at now. Then talked about our next step (IUI). Nurses explained this procedure in detail and how it all works at the clinic. Next came the costs. And then it was where to from here....

My fear was confirmed. We will not be starting this cycle.

DH and I both need to get BT's done regarding cystic fibrosis and chromosome makeup. As we want to freeze DH's sperm it complicates things and a time needs to be arranged to drop off his deposit. So as DH leaves today and won't be back for a week which will make me CD15...we miss out.

Cost wise...I was shocked. I was underestimating (A LOT).

$300 registration fee (which we paid today; no medicare rebate)
$315 to freeze DH's sperm (no medicare rebate)
$1224 for each IUI cycle (which includes scan, BT's etc; medicare rebate between $499-600 depending if we have passed the safety net..which I doubt we have yet)

Plus these BT's we are getting done are not covered by medicare and will cost us about $100 each.

So there you go....some people get to have babies for free; others have to shell out thousands of dollars. Days like these I wish I was one of the first kind of people....

Sent away with a big folder full of stuff to read. The nurse will be in contact next week and I suppose we go from there.

I managed to keep it together through the whole appointment. I stayed calm. I didn't yell or cry or even beg...I was very proud of myself. Once I got into the car it was a different matter. The floodgates opened and I was a mess. DH pulled up in the carpark at the shopping centre (we were going in to get something to eat) and we must have sat in the car for a good 15-20 minutes while I sobbed my heart out and raged against the unfairness of the universe. DH just let me go...What made it worse was that everytime I looked at him I saw the pain in his eyes...and I would start all over again. My sobs eventually subsided to sniffles and I pulled myself together enough to get some food. I must have looked a fright...blood shot eyes and tear stained face..but I didn't care.

When we got home it was almost time for DH to leave. I held my tears in as I didn't want to make it any harder for him to leave me. I really wish it wasn't his day to go back to work...I don't know how well I will cope these next few days..but I guess I just have to have a glass of cement and deal with it.

My scan was at 1pm. I started drinking my 1 litre of water at 11:30 and by 12pm I was busting and had to pee it all back out...So started over again....and made it to almost 12:30 and had to go again. I am so not good at holding a full bladder!! Decided to leave for my appointment and drink water on the drive down. I got there right on time and felt I would be able to hold it for a few more minutes. Nope...asked the reception if the wait would be long and she said I was next...but if I wanted to go I could pee for 5 seconds to let some out and then stop. I did this...but still felt like I was going to wet my pants! Luckily I was called in.

The ultrasound tech was lovely. She quickly did the external u/s and then let me go pee!!! Came back for the internal (yay my best friend-dildo cam!!) and she was asking why I needed the scan etc etc. I explained my situation and she was so shocked that I had not been sent earlier for a scan to just check things out. Especially instead of sending me for the hycosy procedure. But there you go...just proves that everything has been done back to front for me.

At first she seemed to think that my ovaries didn't indicate PCOS. She said that they were big enough but not enough follicles (has to be more than 10 to confirm PCOS). She decided to get the doctor to come in for a look. Straight away he's like oh yeah see all those follicles on that ovary....apparantly one has a lot more than the others. But it seems that yes, I do indeed have PCOS. How bad? Not sure...to be honest by this stage I was so tired and so upset with everything that I didn't want to ask anything else. So I'm not sure if I will need the drilling done or not.

I plan to call my FS in the next few days so that he has the report and I can find out what he thinks about it. Then  I am not sure if this will interfere with IUI..but I guess we deal with that when/if it happens.

So both my fears were confirmed. There was no good news for us today. I still do not feel any closer to conceiving a baby. I have no start date for our IUI. I don't know what will be done about my ovaries.

I am feeling very lost and alone.

Surely at some point this is all going to get easier?
I mean, isn't it time for some good news or a positive outcome from something?!?!

Right now it just seems like it's hit after hit....I just manage to pick myself up and then I am knocked down again. It's never ending and quite defeating.

Did I mention I am feeling very alone?......