It's Happening...

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

You know how that saying 'kick you when you're down'?

Well that's happening to me right now. I feel like I'm not just being kicked, but punched, slapped and spat on for good measure.

Found out last night that SIL is being induced TODAY.

-kick, punch, slap, spit-
(and repeat)

Here I am thinking I'll have a few more weeks to prepare but instead the baby is coming early and I have no time to bring myself back into positive mode before I am hit with the news of the birth.

I lost it last night. Completely lost it. I cried for hours. I was red and puffy, tear stained and snotty. I couldn't breathe properly. I couldn't calm myself down. Of course DH wasn't there to help calm me down so all I could do was let it all out.

I cried for the unfairness of TTC.
I cried for the ache I feel to hold my own baby.
I cried because SIL is getting exactly what I want but without all the heartache and drama I have to endure.

I feel somewhat lighter but know it's going to get worse before it gets better.

We will be bombard with Facebook updates, photos and text messages. Once DH arrives home next week she will be pressuring him to visit as well as throwing more texts,photos and phone calls his way. As she is so insistent that he be godfather there will be the extra pressure/blackmail coming from her about him visiting regularly and buying presents etc etc.

It may seem like I am exaggerating but honestly I am not. This is what she is like. She uses emotional blackmail on DH often to get her way. And of course he is the one who will look like an asshole if he doesn't comply.

I don't want this. I want to be able to get back into a positive mind set before we start our IVF cycle. I want to be relaxed and stress free and happy throughout the process to give us the best possible chance of a BFP first try.

But I can't see this happening when SIL is demanding to be centre of attention. I know DH won't say no to her either. Not for this. And that makes me mad. I need him to push her in the background while we go through this. I don't need to hear or see further evidence that she has a baby and I don't.


I'm exhausted. I managed to fall asleep around 1am and was up by 5am. I can't focus. I have spent my first hour at work tooling around on the Internet. Naughty naughty. And I still have another day after today to struggle through.

I am ready to throw in the towel. How can anything be worth all this sadness, hurt and heartache? If we didn't have the IVF lined up already I think I would walk away from this and push the baby dream aside. I can't stand feeling like this much longer. If there is no BFP at Christmas I give up.

I am at the point where I want to throw it all in. Quit my job, sell the house and run far away. Just DH and me. F$&@ everything else. I'll go be a bitter and twisted infertile where noone knows me.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:Slumped over my desk


Lindsay said...

Oh I so wish there were big enough words, good enough words to make it even a little bit better.
The anger, the pain, the pure unfairness of it all is absurd.
I wish you strength to get through this.