pointless ramblings

I am just going to point out that I am probably posting a lot more than usual..it's the only way I can sort things out in my head and makes me feel like I am getting some of my emotions out. Please feel free to skip my posts for the next however long...they will probably be long winded, emotional and hold little to no interest to anyone but me anyway.

Today has not been the best of days. This morning we decided we would rearrange the lounge/dining area. DH figured out a way that would maximise the space a bit more and in my head it looked really good. We started moving the couch and then got to the entertainment unit with the TV and DH realised it was not going to work due to the plugs for our Austar.

'Right, we better move everything back' he said. I started bawling my eyes out. Of course DH thinks I am crying about the furniture but it was just my breaking point..I don't really care about the placement of our furniture that much...This crying turned into a full on blub fest. I let out all my 'it's not fairs' and 'why us??' to DH. Eventually when I calmed down a little more I was able to have a real heart to heart with DH. I think I have finally gotten through to him about how much I am hurting and that crying is my emotional release. Yes, it's not his way of dealing with things but he doesn't need to force his way on me. Just like I am not trying to push him into crying things out. I think I actually got through to him.

Then I pushed myself to get some housework done. Probably not the smartest idea but the dirty floors were really beginning to get to me. Once I had finished (with no help from DH which helped let loose a flood of anger, stomping around and sulking from me) I was exhausted. Then came the cramps and nausea..had me worried for a little while as I woke this morning pain free. Spotting has started again but the cramps have eased so hoping that by the end of the weekend this will be done. I also forgot to call my ob about the final BT result but I figure if there was anything to worry about he would have called me.

The panic I felt last night subsided as soon as we got in the car to go home. I went down to the shops again this afternoon and I felt the same panic and anxiety as last night. It's not a nice feeling. There were so many people there with babies and the only thing I could do to stop myself from crying was to focus on the types of prams they were pushing around. Weird I know..but it worked. I survived this trip to the shopping centre but I have a feeling I will be trying to avoid going there for a while.

I can't believe today is Friday. Only a few more days and DH will go back to work. I'll be here all alone. This usually isn't such a scary prospect, but at the moment it terrifies me. The days won't be so bad, it will be the nights. I know I will spend them in tears. I know I won't sleep. Not appealing...I guess I have to keep telling myself that it's only a week and then he will be home again. Surely I can survive a week.....

Going back to work and putting on a happy face is also something I am not looking forward to. I know work will be a distraction and keep me from sitting around the house all day, but I am concerned as to whether I can hold it together. Towards the end of last year I had 3 pregnant clients...2 were due early this year and 1 a little further down the track. What if I have to see them soon? Wearing my 'professional hat' while TTC is one thing, but to put it back on now after all this..well it's going to take a lot of work on my part. I am probably panicking about nothing, but my mind can't help but think of all these random things right now. It's ridiculous.

Right, I am rambling again. I'll come back when I can make more sense.