Round 2

Sunday, January 23, 2011

DH is going back to work tomorrow and I am feeling anxious...actually anxious may be an understatement. My stomach is swirling, my heart rate is up and my breathing is shallow. I feel like my whole body is wound up so tightly.
I am on edge. I can't sit still. I can't concentrate. I am a mess.

I have never suffered from anxiety before so I am beginning to wonder what the hell is going on in my brain right now. I don't know what to do about it. I am still contemplating whether I should have some counselling. My other thought is to head to the GP and get drugs. I am not one for medications but how I feel right now...well I don't know if I can cope with DH being away and work under my own steam. I feel like I am teetering on the edge of the cliff once again. One wrong step and I will end up back in my deep, dark hole...and this time I don't know if I will make it back out on my own.

The stupidest thing is that I know all the strategies that the counsellor or psych will encourage me to put in place. They will be the same strategies and tools I pass on to my own clients. But I cannot bring myself to try. I don't feel like they will work.


I also feel like once again I am falling behind. When I got my BFP I felt like I finally catching up to those ladies that I started this TTC journey with...sure I was a little behind the 8 ball, but I was coming! I was stepping into the world of pregnancy and had something in common, something to talk about and discuss. Our babies would not be too far apart...all was right in my world.

Now here I am back at the start. No time frame of when we will be able to try again. No chance of a 2011 baby (and completely missing 2010). And to make matters worse, once again I am all alone.

Please don't take this post the wrong way (if you are still sharing in this pity party). I in no way begrudge anyone their pregnancy or baby. I am not unhappy for all these ladies who have gotten through the TTC hurdle and managed to burst onto the pregnancy scene. It is more that I am sad for me. So incredibly sad that for a few short weeks I was in on this scene too. I was catching up instead of falling further and further behind, and all too suddenly this was taken away from me. I'm worried that once their babies arrive it's not going to be the same. Because more than likely I still won't be pregnant (and possibly not even any closer to becoming pregnant) and the gap will be too wide to bridge.

And I suppose this is something I will have to come to terms with. It's my issue, my 'woe is me' moment. Nothing I can do to change my situation. For whatever reason the universe has decided we have not had enough crap happen and that the first round of TTC wasn't hard here we are back for round 2...surely it can't get any worse than this?!


Anonymous said...

It's no wonder that you are are feeling anxious after everything that you have been through. It sucks that your DH has to go away especially when you really need the support. I hope that your mum and sister will be able to be around for you. And of course there is always blogging as a great way to vent.

Wish I could just give you a big hug... I can't but sending you a virtual one instead xxx

Lauren said...

I started to type that you are not alone, and then I got the old Michael Jackson song stuck in my head. "You are not alone, I am here with you" blah blah blah. So now that's stuck in my head. But it's true! Even though DH is leaving and you are physically alone, you have a bazillion people on the blogs here who love you! You and I are back in the same boat here. And we will both get through it!

I have severe anxiety just as a person so I've been on meds for it for a long time. I can definitely relate to what you said about the therapy techniques - I'm a terrible therapy patient because I know exactly what the therapist is doing and why, and then I automatically rebel against it. Which is terrible because if my own clients did that to me I'd be so frustrated with them!

Sending hugs your way!