The Good, The Bad & The Ugly

Wazza (that's our new fertility specialist) totally lived up to his reputation. He was well worth waiting 2 months to see and I feel very confident in our choice of switching doctors and clinics.

I could go on and on about how brilliant he is, but will try and keep this short. It was straight down to business when I was called into his office...I sat down, he sat down and the first thing he said to me was 'what can I do for a pretty looking girl like you?'. I had been forewarned of his 'interesting' bedside manner so this just made me laugh. Then he started taking down a detailed history (my cycles pre pill, cycles since coming off the pill, what had happened with last FS etc etc). I mentioned that my file should have been sent and on closer inspection he found that all my last FS had sent were results of 2 bloodtests and a short summary letter!!! OMG I was so pissed off at this since I had requested the file and they had told me it was no problem. And the blood results he sent didn't even include the AMH which was how he diagnosed me with PCOS!!!! Luckily Wazza got his girls onto it and they chased down all the important stuff.

After some discussion he asked why I would want to waste my time travelling down to see him. I was straight to the point of his amazing reputation and he told me it was 'all bullshit'. But honestly, he gave me more information in 1 appoinment then the last doctor has given me in a YEAR of appointments. Plus I felt comfortable instantly!! He listened to me and gave me the chance to ask questions and he took the time to explain so much to me. Why wouldn't I want to travel to see this man?!? He is GREAT!!

He also did a scan and a papsmear (as I couldn't remember when my last one was done) while I was there. I was quite interested to hear what he thought of my ovaries and PCOS diagnosis...well guess what?!? His opinion after looking at my ovaries is that I don't have PCOS!!! He then looked at the scans I had last year and said that those showed an extremely mild case of PCOS, but looking at them now he said you would think not. This totally surprised me as I have always been wary of the PCOS label the other FS stuck on me without even seeing my ovaries for himself. So without that, it places us under the unexplained infertility umbrella...

We discussed FET cycles and how they work. He has 3 ways of doing them (natural & 2 different medicated versions).  He believes that one of the medicated cycles would work best for me. I got to ask all my questions about thaw success rates, FET cycle success...although most of my questions he answered without me even having to ask! Completely different to seeing the last doctor as sometimes it was like drawing blood from a stone when I wanted more detail.

The further we got into the appointment the more I was realising that Wazza goes above and beyond for his patients. I was so impressed.

Then we got down to the serious end of things...when?

I got an answer I was extremely happy with. It will be next month as soon as my period arrives which is a couple of weeks off as I was only about CD10 the day of the appointment. Some even greater news is that he will put 2 embryos back (as long as thawing goes well)!!! Not sure if I have mentioned it before, but our last clinic would not even discuss this option because I was under 30. However, Wazza is a '2 man' and is happy to put 2 back as long as the couple is happy with this. DH and I have discussed this and are more than happy for 2 so I told the doctor that this was fine.

So here is the treatment plan..

Commence immediately
fish oil
zinc
folic acid
low dose aspirin
berocca

CD1 make an appointment with Wazza for CD2 & Cd12; commence Predisone & Feldene tablets.
CD2 scan with Wazza; commence Letrozole tablets from CD2-6.
CD7 commence Clexane injections.
CD12 scan with Wazza; will be told when to do trigger injection.

Then when directed (sometime before transfer) I will commence:
-Progynova (4 times a day)
-Provera (4 times a day)
-Progesterone pessaries (4 times a day!!)
-Pregnyl booster injections as required

Transfer will of course be at some stage after the trigger and then of course the TWW. He has told me I will stay on most of the medications if we get a BFP (minus the Clexane) until around the 12 week mark. Will be closely monitored with blood tests and scans during the first weeks of pregnancy which puts my mind at ease a little.

So it's a massive lot of pills and things to take, but I was warned that he gives his patients a long list! I just need to go get all the supplements, fill the scripts (abit closer to the start of the cycle), organise the paperwork to have our embies transferred to the new clinic and DH needs to have some blood tests done (I did mine on the day of the appointment). Then we will be all set!

The appointment went for about an hour and a quarter all up so I definitely came away feeling very satisfied and had the chance to ensure all my questions were answered. It's amazing how different a 2nd opinion can be and how it can change your thinking. I now actually have some hope that we are now on the right path to our take home baby, whereas before I was wondering whether the old doctor would get us there.

So what you ask, put a dampner on my good mood?? Well, Saturday morning I arranged to meet some friends at the beach. A couple (whose wedding DH and I were both in last year) and another mutual female friend. On my arrival I was given the news that the female from the couple is pregnant...I knew this was coming. I have been saying for weeks to DH (and others) that I thought she was pregnant as they have been avoiding us and when we do see them it has been awkward (I think I have written a few posts about it too). So it wasn't exactly a shock.

What was a shock was that she confronted me with this news then and there so I then had to keep up a happy act for another few hours while we enjoyed the beach. To make matters worse, DH is away so I had no one to go home to for support. I honestly thought that she would have thought it over and perhaps told me on the phone...or at least told DH and I together..but perhaps I expect too much?!?

The other shock was to find our how far along she is...she has past the 12 week mark which means that she probably knew she was pregnant while I was miscarrying. It stung to find out she is due only a few short weeks after Bubble would have been. We could have been sharing pregnancies, but instead I am left to watch.

I managed to keep myself composed, congratulate her and her husband then ask all the appropriate questions and give the right (and happy) replies. Thank goodness we were at the beach so I could keep my sunglasses on..they would have been hiding so much pain. I stuck around for a few hours but declined hanging around for lunch and hightailed it home. On the way I called DH. Bad idea. He was distracted at work and didn't have time to give me the answers I desired. So I turned to chocolate and trashy movies for the afternoon. Finally got late enough that DH was finished with work and I called him again....this led to an evening of tears.

Here are just a few of DH's pearls of wisdom from last night:

-'You should just be happy for our friends and forget about our stuff'
-'You are being selfish by wanting to avoid our friends because of this'
-'You need to get over it' (in reference to the miscarriage)
-'If you stopped being so upset about not being pregnant then it will happen' (thank you Dr Google)

There's more but these were probably the worst. All I could keep saying to him was 'you just don't understand what it's like for me do you?'...and he really doesn't! I get that he wants to 'fix' things. That's what males do best, but all I wanted last night was for him to say 'I'm sorry you are hurting right now', 'yes I agree this totally sucks and is so not fair' & 'I understand that you might need some time before you see our friends again'...you know, that lovely supportive stuff that makes you feel like your partner is actually on the same page as you???? But I didn't get that from DH last night and he hung up on me in frustration I suppose as I kept crying...

The crying continued for most of the night. I barely slept and woke up feeling groggy and exhausted with red, puffy eyes. I literally moved from my bed to the couch and stayed there ALL day. I left the house for about 2 hours this evening to go and have dinner at my parents place but I am back on my couch once again. I felt numb.

DH and I have talked tonight. It led to tears again, but I think he is slowly beginning to understad the magnitude of all this. I don't think males sometimes fully understand the impact of infertility and treatments...not just physically but emotionally and mentally as well. I guess unless you are experiencing it firsthand it can be hard to comprehend...or maybe it's just my DH being uber male about all this. Who knows?! I am too tired to try and think this out anymore. We spent almost 2 hours on the phone this evening and I swear sometimes we were just going round and round in circles...I did manage to get him to utter some supportive things to me so I must be getting through to him slightly.

I really don't know what to do about our friends. I am happy for them but I will admit that it does sting that they only needed to TTC for 3 months to get a healthy pregnancy underway. Where is the balance in all of this??? They only took 3 months but yet we are still here, slogging it out and approaching 20 horrific months of TTC. It's not that I would want anyone else I know to go through this...but it just doesn't seem fair that it's so easy for some and extremely difficult for others. I don't know how I will cope watching he grow a belly, knowing that I should have been there a few weeks ahead and sharing in all the joy. They get to plan for a baby and we get to plan for more infertility treatments. My immediate thought is to avoid them at all costs, but the reality is these people are close friends and I cannot just write them off. The guy is one of DH's best mates. They have been (to an extent) supportive of what we are going through...but haven't always done the right thing. I guess I can see now why they avoided us. The last thing you want to hear about when you are newly pregnant is someone else miscarrying. I guess all I can do is see how it all pans out. They may still feel awkward and perhaps realise that this may be difficult for me to handle and keep their distance..I don't know.

For now, until my head is slightly clearer...I am laying low.