The Land of What If

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

My period arrived yesterday and so far (touch wood) the witch has been much kinder to me than usual. Cramps are not too painful and I have only been having to take minimal amounts of pain killers (whereas usually I would be taking them every 4 hours or so). It's a nice change and partly makes up for it arriving on the day DH arrived home! The poor guy. It must feel like every time he comes home I am bleeding.

Just over a week until my new FS appointment. I called up my current doctors office today to ask about getting a copy of my file. The receptionist was actually really nice and didn't grill me as to why I wanted a copy. All she asked is who I wanted them sent to and said that she will get the doctor to do it. Hooray! I am going to check with the new clinic on Monday to see if they have received my file and if not I will get them to chase it up so it's there for my Friday appointment.

I am still freaking out about the new appointment. Poor DH must be sick of hearing about it, but I can't help going over and over the 'what ifs'...

What if he wants to run all his own tests before he will even think about doing a FET cycle?
What if our little bubsicles get damaged while in transit from one clinic to the other?
What if we lose ALL the embryos while they are defrosting them for a FET?
What if this FET doesn't much longer will we have to wait for a baby?
What if the FET does work and I miscarry again?

What if, what if, what if.

DH tells me not to think so negatively. But I can't help thinking of all this stuff. I cannot just think 'yes we will do a FET and it will work and we'll live happily ever after' because to be honest I don't know that it will work and even if it does, it doesn't mean we will have our happy ending...and I don't know how I would cope if I miscarried again.



Baby Hopes said...

Sounds very much like Mech and I! I need to talk out my fears and the what ifs. He wants to stay positive despite everything that has happened. We've had lots of conversations about it: me telling him that I need to give voice to my fears to get it out, him saying he wants to stay positive and keep give each try the best of what we have in us. It's not easy... I completely hear you.

New Year Mum said...

I still find the 'what ifs' to be the hardest part of this nightmare journey. The fact that you're so determined and focused on having a child, plus the love you have for Bubbles and your future little one, will help get your through. Great that they can transfer your file so easily and I'm sure they'd have a good system to safely transport your frozen little ones. I have the same anxiety about how successful 'defrosting' is... but evidently it's now over 95% successful :)) Thinking of you for your FS appt xoxo