Wednesday, April 7, 2010

I am struggling to bounce back from the unwanted arrival of AF. For me it gets harder each month to pick myself and keep going with this madness. If I didn't want a baby so badly then I would walk away from TTC. It is not enjoyable. I feel like the life is being sucked out of me. 

I live my life in 2 week incriments. 'Before O' & 'After O'. I spend my days waiting..waiting for AF to finish, waiting to O, then the dreaded TWW. And then it starts all over again. Month after month. 

I am confused about what my plan of attack should be for this new cycle. I think DH will be home around the right time. Not that this has helped in the past..
So do I over prepare? Buy up on OPKs, keep temping and get some pre-seed? Try anything and everything possible that might help us conceive? Or do I do the opposite, and do absolutely nothing???

I know either way I will be kicking myself by the time the TWW comes around, because I will be either so stressed out from doing all the extra stuff and obsessing over OPKs and temps...OR I will be freaking out because I don't know if we have BDed at the right time or if I have even ovulated...So damned if I do, damned if I don't.

My other thought is perhaps it doesn't matter what we do because there is something wrong with one (or both) of us and we have no chance that we will ever conceive until the problem is fixed by a doctor. It freaks me out when I think of this, because to think that these past 9 cycles have been a waste, that all the temping, OPKs and preseed bought, has been money down the drain...and we never had a chance. 

I try and make these thoughts leave quite quickly.

Sometimes I wish I could fast forward to the day I will get my BFP. And then I tell myself off for wanting to wish my life away...But I know that the day I see those 2 lines will be the happiest day of my life (bar our wedding day). I think I would be willing to fast forward through life to get to that moment. It may sound like a waste of my life, but right now life doesn't seem to crash hot anyways so I don't think I would miss much.

How much longer is this going to take???????