parts of me and the past

Thursday, May 13, 2010

I want out of my head-NOW!!

My brain won't stop. I keep going over and over everything we have done TTC wise. Obviously it isn't enough? Or perhaps it will never be enough because there's something wrong? 

I hope it isn't option 1..only because between OPKS, charting, temping, pre seed, using certain positions and lying with my legs in the air after DTD...I don't know what else we could do!! 

But option 2...option 2 means that there is something wrong with me. And noone ever wants that. Especially when very often you get thrown the phrase 'unexplained infertility'...which basically means they don't know why you can't conceive...

There is a small part of me (very, very small) that thinks it will happen. It's just taking us longer than most couples. But this part of me believes we will get there without any extra assistance.

Another part of me (bigger than the part above) thinks that it's not going to happen...ever. This is the morbid side coming out. The side that has no optimism what so ever. 

Then of course, there is the part that thinks we just need a little (or perhaps a lot of) help...whether it be fertility drugs or even IUI...or possibly even IVF. This part of me is slightly more positive as it believes it will happen for us, but this part is also realistic and realises that it may take a long time.

These different thoughts come up throughout the day...almost everyday. They swim around in my mind and create confusion and a range of different emotions. More often than not, the morbid thought wins out and brings me right down. I think as time continues to tick away this will happen more often. 

I spoke to DH tonight. He knew I was down. He kept asking what was wrong. At first I tried to brush it off and just said I was missing him, but he persisted. I eventually spilled my guts-explaining that I would be ovulating in the next few days and I was so dissapointed that we are missing out on trying this time round. Of course, this made him upset. So I felt even worse for sharing my miseries. DH has no answers for me. I keep asking him when will we have our baby...I don't know why I think he would know the answer to this...I still don't think he gets how strong my desire is to have a child. Its so much easier for males.

The other thing that keeps popping up in my mess of a mind, is that it's my own fault that I can't get pregnant. 

I had a termination when I was 18.
At the time it seemed like the right thing to do. DH and I had only been together a few months. He was an apprentice barely earning $200 a week and I was working casually as a check out chick. We both still lived at home. 

I did the HPT one afternoon. I had gone with a friend to buy it. I had a feeling I was pregnant..not sure why. I cannot remember doing the test or even seeing the positive result. DH came by that afternoon and I broke the news. I remember clearly that he just gave me a massive hug.

I don't remember much about our discussions about our options. Whether thats because I have a terrible memory, or I've blocked it out, I don't know. I did go to see my GP to confirm that I was pregnant. And then I don't think I did anything for a few weeks. 

I do remember having EXTREME morning sickness. At first it was just a bit of an off feeling throughout the day, but it got worse. I couldn't eat as the thought of food made me feel sick. I would vomit, but all that came up was bile and water. It got to the point where I could barely get out of bed. I kept calling in sick to work and they eventually cut all my shifts. It was a relief though. Sleeping was the only time I didn't feel too sick. Even getting in the shower was too much effort. I lost so much weight. I looked terrible. I felt terrible.

By this stage my parents knew. Both were quite upset. I think it came as a shock as I was always such a 'good girl'. 

I got up the courage to make an appointment to speak to the people at the clinic. DH came with me. They again confirmed I was pregnant and even did a scan. Explained the procedure and how soon I would have to make a decision. I don't really remember much else.

DH and I made the decision together. He came with me the day of the procedure. I only remember waiting around, speaking to one of the doctors then getting changed into hospital gown and waiting around some more. Got taken in by the nurse and told to count backwards. Next thing I know I am being woken up by the nurse. I'm laying on my side. I feel fuzzy. They make me eat vegemite sandwiches. I remember thinking how gross they were as they had heaps of butter...yuk. Once I had eaten they helped me up so I could change into my clothes. Then once the nurse had explained all the after care stuff I was allowed to go. DH was waiting for me. We walked out to his car and he gave me a big hug. 

The other thing I remember is that I wasn't feeling sick anymore. I hadn't expected that to be instant. Very strange.

The recovery was fine. I had no problems. I don't remember whether there was much bleeding or pain. 

My family has never discussed this with me. No one has ever mentioned it. I think the afternoon after the procedure I got home and my mum asked how I was feeling. That was it. I think my parents thought I should have kept the baby. Well, I know my mum thought that.  I once found a letter she had started writing to a friend of hers. She was telling her about what had happened and how dissapointed she was in me. 
That hurt. 

So now, because we managed to get pregnant previously, it makes me think that perhaps the termination has something to do with me not being able to get pregnant now. I have spoken with DH about this many times since we started TTC. 

I ask him if he thinks we made the right decision or if he wishes we had of kept the baby. He still firmly believes that we did what was right for us at the time. 
I have second thoughts...Maybe that was our only chance to have a baby. Maybe something has been damaged and now I can't have another baby.
Lots of maybes and what ifs. 

One thing I know I most definately regret about the whole thing-I never got any counselling before or after. And I wish I had of. I think it would have helped.

Our child would be 7 this year. Their birthday would have been in October-like mine. For some reason, whenever I think about it, I think it would have been a girl.

What if I blew my only chance? I won't be able to live with myself if I did...