Tuesday, May 11, 2010

I cannot seem to pull myself out of this slump. I feel like I am at the bottom of a dark hole and there is no way out. There is no light when I look up...I must be a long way down.

I haven't felt this way in a very long time. 
I struggled with depression when I was 17. About 6 months after I moved out of home (to start uni as I had recently finished school) I reached an all time low. 
I didn't even want to be alive. 
I couldn't sleep. I didn't eat. I quit uni. I didn't go to work. I just used to lie in bed and cry.
I pretty much gave up on everything. I never felt like life would get better.

I was given a hand up and got help. I moved home. I was put on meds. I saw a psychologist. Life didn't seem so hard anymore. I felt lighter..and eventually happier. I met my DH shortly after and life improved even more. I came off the meds. I finished my therapy. Life moved on. I moved on. 

I never looked back. 
I never regressed. 
I have never even come close to feeling how I felt back then...

But cracks are forming. I am not back to the point of feeling suicidal (I don't ever want to be there again), but I am feeling more like how I was in those early days.

TTC is pushing me over the edge.  I thought I was bad when I was obsessing over everything-temps, OPKs, FF etc etc. But now that I am doing nothing..I feel worse. 

I am sick of sitting stagnantly waiting. What am I waiting for???? I have no definative answers. I have no concrete course of action past waiting until July. I can't handle waiting anymore. I have been waiting since August last year...enough is enough!!! 

How do I possibly pull myself out of this??? 

Look at the positives? To me, at the moment, there are no positives

Ok, yes they have found nothing wrong with me so far...but at least if they had then I would have a course of action on how to fix the problem. I would be doing something!!! The doctor would be doing something..not just saying wait it out until July and then we'll look at what else we can do.

What about the possibility of a window of a chance of DH being home at the right time? I have only ovulated later in my cycle once or twice, so chances of it happening late (CD16) are not high. Besides I have just had word from him that this stint he will be away 14 instead of 7 days, which shuts that window completely! 

This time I can't seem to pick myself up and dust myself off and keep on keepin' on...I have fallen one too many times during this journey, and now it seems a big part of me doesn't want to keep going. 

I wish DH was here. I need a hug.