ignoring my ovaries...

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Trying to figure out a way out of the bottom of this black hole. Sometimes I think I can see tiny pinpricks of light..but then I blink and they are gone.

I am trying to not pay attention to my body right now. Very hard after 10 months of paying extra close attention. But I don't even want to know when I am ovulating this cycle..because I know it will just set me off and send me spiralling back down (in the hope that I have actually made it back up..). It feels like such a waste of a month. We don't even have the slightest chance, and we have had at least that for almost every cycle of TTC.

So right now I am trying to restrain myself from checking my CM and CP. I am willing my brain to ignore any twinge I feel in the general direction of my ovaries. 
I am desperately trying to tune out!!! 

It does help that I have stopped temping and charting. Gave up-cold turkey at the end of last cycle. The thermometer has gone from my bedside and taking my temp and recording it in FF is no longer what I do the second I wake up. 

I am glad that I will no longer spend the first half of my cycle obsessing over when I would get crosshairs. And even happier that my TWW will not comprise of me spending hours scouring the chart gallery trying to find a pregnancy one that looks just like mine. It was getting to be too much.

I spoke to DH last night. Not for very long. His phone reception is shocking and our calls kept cutting out. He is settling into his new job well. Enjoying the promotion-he said all the guys are giving him a lot of respect, which was missing in the last job. They have started giving him some training modules to complete also. This is a first!!! No company has ever been that quick with training (asides from the standard inductions). DH is rapt and very excited. He was hoping to get out on site today and show them what he can do. I am sure it all went well. 

I didn't mention that I was feeling crap. There's no point him being worried and upset when he is out at work. He knows that we are missing out this cycle, and possibly next. Knows that I am upset about it. But also knows that we can't do anything about it. 

This is I suppose one of the downsides of a FIFO life. 

We didn't think about this when he started this type of work. To be honest, I did not think we would have a problem conceiving, so I didn't think him being away so often would be an issue. I think if we had of known that we would be facing this problem, then DH would have been ok to start TTC sooner. As it was it was a bit of a push to get him to start when we did...Wow I am lucky I won that battle!!! If he had of gotten his way, we wouldn't have started until the beginning of this year. My argument was, at the time 'what if it takes us longer than a few months?', though at the time I was positive I would be one of the ones to fall 1st or 2nd cycle off the pill. 

Boy, was I wrong. :-(

Oh, once again...can I say that I really hate facebook sometimes?!?! A friend from primary school just posted pics of her babys room...she is due next month.