47 weeks and counting...

Today marks 47 weeks of TTC. Milestone? Pfft...would have been if I turned out to be UTD this cycle...

BFN on a FRER this morning. Not even a hint of a second line. There was no doubt that there was only 1. Of course this set off the water works. I was a blubbering mess. 

I cried.
I yelled.
I stamped my feet.

Pretty much had the hissy fit which has been building inside me for quite sometime.

DH was wonderful. He just handed me tissues and let me rage. Once I got the stamping/hitting things out of my system, he gave me hugs. And listened. And commisserated and generally agreed with everything that came out of my mouth...

I raged against the drug addicts and alcoholics that managed to get pregnant and have babies.

I raged against the parents of the foster children I used to care for who kept having children.

I even raged against my cousin who has 2 children, to 2 different fathers...and neither daddy is around.  

Did I feel better afterwards? Slightly.
But it still didn't change the fact that here we are 47 weeks of TTC. 47 weeks of unprotected sex. 47 weeks of waiting and wishing and hoping....

ALL FOR NOTHING.

AF cramps started up later this afternoon, but the witch is still yet to show her face. I'm not f&%$ing pregnant...hurry up! Surely I deserve that at least...rather than this waiting and wondering WTF is going on.

I am in a low place right now. I knew this month it would hit me hard if we didn't succeed. I knew I shouldn't have let myself get so excited. But that's all well and good in hindsight.

Now I need to work out how I manage to pick myself up, dust myself off and get ready to go through all this craziness again. Secretly hoping that this will be the last time, but knowing in my heart that the chances of that are slim...

I am trying to look forward to my FS appointment and hoping it goes well. I am hoping I get some answers, and hoping even more for an action plan. I want to walk out of the appointment happy. If it doesn't go well, then there is the added time of going back to GP, getting a new referral for someone else and then seeing how long it takes to get an appointment with a new FS.

I don't want to go down this road...it's more wasted time.

I cannot look further ahead than Wednesday at this stage. I don't even want to think about anytime after that appointment. I just can't do it right now.

I'm hurting and I want it to stop.