CD2 and negative thoughts

Tuesday, June 1, 2010

At work. Feeling crampy and bloated. Blergh!

So I've decided that yesterday was CD1. Otherwise I start to freak out about our chances getting less and it is DH will be back CD9 and leaves CD15. I hope it's enough. I really do.

As I think I have already said, I am excited but trying not to get my hopes up too much. This is difficult but I am so sick of getting my hopes up month after month to only end up with a negative test and AF to follow. It's heart breaking. And the more I hype up the cycle, the worse I feel when my body fails me.

Knowing me though, by the time DH comes home I will be super excited and so optimistic. Bah! I suck at holding my hopes down!! I guess it's the ever present optimist in me. Getting me back for burying them deep under my negativity! Haha...

A little part of me is thinking that this is it and that the HyCoSy is going to make a difference and that I will be pregnant at the end of the month. But the rest of me beloved this is just another waste of time and it will be back to the FS at the end of the month where I assume I will be told I have 'unexplained infertility'. Why this? Well they haven't found anything wrong so far so I figure that this is the best option to cover themselves...

Such a shitty term. Doesn't give you any answers. Doesn't give you any hope. I mean how can you have a baby if they can't even figure out what's wrong with you?!?

I was watching Sex & the City over the weekend and one of the characters Charlotte has fertility issues. She says 'We're not barren,we're reproductively challenged'. I like it. What I didn't like was the fact that at the end of the series she adopts and then in the first movie she falls pregnant. When that happens she goes on about how when they stopped trying, it happened. I HATE WHEN PEOPLE SAY THAT!!!!!!!!!!! It infuriates me. It is just not that simple! How can you just stop??!? It's not like turning a switch. I mean now I know about my cycles and ovulation indicators and CM etc etc...I can't just forget all this and go back to just having sex whenever. I can't wipe my mind blank of all this knowledge.

Often I wonder where I'd be in my TTC journey if I hadn't of found BubHub or Fertility Friend or anything like that...I would know nothing about my body and would not know when I'm ovulating or about luetal phases or anything. But maybe it would be easier to relax? I don't know..but then I realise I wouldn't have met so many amazing people who have become friends. They have become my shoulders to cry on and my cheer squad and the people who encourage me to keep going! The only ones who are interested in my cycle length and my CM!!! Haha..not even DH wants to know about that!

I just wonder if I 'relaxed' more and 'stopped trying' whether it would make a difference? Would I be pregnant now? Or am I just being stupid? I suppose if something is wrong with me then nothing is going to get me pregnant. No amount of pre seed or relaxing or laying with my legs in the air would have helped.

Bah...I need to snap out of this. And it doesn't help that I am going home to an empty house. I miss DH. I am such a sook..


Green Sprout said...

You are a lot away from unexplained infertility! What else can be done?

- Laparoscopy and hysteroscopy to have a good look at what it going on inside in terms of adhesions, endo, polps, tumours, endometrium abnormalities, scarring etc.

- Testing for hostile CM. (pH and antibody types)

- Testing egg quality and chromosomal make up.

- Testing chromosomal makeup of DH's sperm to see if they are actually the full quid or not.

- Testing DH's semen for self-destructing antibodies.

Although these are less common and somehow I suspect you're more likely to be tried on Clomid and/or IUI before these sorts of things are done. Just a feeling. That aside, think your doc would be a slack arse if he raised the idiopathic idiot flag at this stage in the game.

Shel always says to me that you've gotta get excited and you've gotta have pain otherwise everything becomes numb and that isn't life experience. The protective instinct in myself disagrees. The rest of me does. To feel hope and excitement shows that you care. This is a baby, not a grand final. You should care. Don't punish yourself for that. :-)

I hope the universe shapes up for you this time... I really, really, really do. Bring on some good news. xxx