Get over it

Thursday, July 8, 2010

DH and I had an interesting conversation the other morning..well I don't know if you could really call it a conversation...more like me chucking a sad about our lack of a baby, and DH getting the shits with me would probably be more accurate!!

Again I bought up all the examples of people having babies that doesn't seem in anyway right or fair to me. DH doesn't get why I talk about this and think about these other people so much. He thinks I should just be focusing on us and our situation...but I can't help it!

I said he didn't get it. He didn't get how my maternal instincts are raging and my biological clock is loudly ticking in my ear.

He asked what I would do if I couldn't have children at all. This stumped me. I can't see my life without children. No..I can't see a happy and fulfilled life without children. DH asked if I would be like this forever if children were an impossibility. I explained that it would take me a long time to get over a blow like that and I don't think I would ever fully move on (at least not without the help of some therapy!).

DH's response-'you would have to just get over it'.

Well I let rip at him and he backed down...but I have been thinking about this. I can sorta see his point as what kind of life would the 2 of us have together if I was hung up on not having kids and moping around all the time. That's not fair on him.

So my question does one just 'get over' their want of a baby?!?!

I could not go from actively TTC and seeking help and trying out all our going 'ok that's it..everything failed, we can't have a baby of our own...I'll just get on with my life now!'.

That seems impossible. And what seems even more impossible is accepting this fact AND being ok when you are around children, babies and UTD women. How on earth do you handle that?!?!? I can barely do it now without feeling an over whelming rush of emotions ranging from extreme sadness to anger and jealousy.

Something to contemplate as the months keep ticking over I suppose....


In TTC land I am CD12. I have made an agreement with DH to try and BD once a day until he leaves on Monday...if we struggle then I will be happy with every 2nd day which will cover CD 12, 14 & 16 like the FS suggested.

I still don't believe that we will conceive first months on meds but DH is (of course) remaining optimistic. He keeps asking me if the fertility drugs are working and I keep reminding me that we won't really know til the ultrasound on Monday. Which he will probably miss as my appointment clashes with the time he needs to leave for the airport...

I have decided that I will not be stressing about whether I have ovulated or not. I can't be bothered. I will not check my cervix or CM. I will not use OPKs (as the thought had crossed my mins to pick some up). I am do e with adding extra stress into the equation. TTC is hard enough without all these extra things to worry yourself about.

I will settle for the ultrasound and hoping FS will give me blood test for day 21 to check for ovulation. It's his problem now..I am not monitoring this crap anymore. I am paying enough for his services, he may as well take control!!!

Besides, whether I ovulate or nor is beyond my control. All I can do is take the meds and try to have sex when FS tells us to. We cannot do anymore than that...

Then it's down to my ridiculous body to do it's job and make a baby....though I won't hold my breath!!!

Weekend starts as of this afternoon. Great!

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