Be quiet!!!!

Monday, October 4, 2010

I want my brain to switch off so I can go to sleep, but it's being annoyingly loud.

I could cry...and probably will.

Why is it that night time is when everything seems so unbearably hard?? A million things are running through my head and it is so completely overwhelming that I don't want to be in my own head right now.

My heart is racing, my stomachs in knots and I feel sick (though not sure if that's stress or metformin related). I feel so anxious and on edge. I'm really not all that surprised that I can't sleep.

I can't seem to calm myself down or relax. I have felt edgy all evening and couldn't settle down. I don't know if it's because DH has gone back to work or if it's because I go back to work tomorrow. I don't know. I just have this horrible feeling and everything is piling up on me and I don't know what to do or where to start. And some of this stuff isn't even important or something I need to stress over. I feel like an idiot.

I sent an email to my IVF nurse this evening asking a few questions and now I am anxious over her response.

I am slightly freaking out over extending our mortgage so we can get DH a new car. Even though I know we can afford it and it won't be a strain on finances.

I am very much freaking out about hosting my friends hens night here at home. When I volunteered my place I really didn't think about all the work involved...but the invites have been sent so I can't back out now. I know it will be fine on the night, but I can't help feeling anxious over the work ahead!

Uni. Where do I begin?!? I can't do it. I can't sit down and concentrate. I can't get assignments in on time. I can't focus to study for my exam. I need to figure out if I can withdraw at this late stage without incurring fail grades. I feel like I have failed myself. I shouldn't have put this added pressure on myself at this time. Stupid.

A concert I bought tickets for ages ago hoping DH would be home for. Well guess what? It's this weekend and DH will be at work. Now I have an extra ticket and am struggling to find someone to take the extra ticket. Now I feel like not going...but then it's just a waste of money.

DH's sperm analysis. We took it in today. I am desperately hoping no sperm anti bodies are found otherwise I will seriously have to consider that I will not be getting pregnant this year and TTC via IVF will be something looked at in the new year once funds have been saved.

This is the biggie.

Giving up TTC does not sit well with me. Infact having to put off having a baby because we have no other choice but to pay $10000 for the privilege hurts like hell. Especially when so many people don't have to spend anything to get UTD. Hell even having to pay what we've paid doesn't seem fair sometimes. Why can't it happen naturally for us?? Why do we have to go through all this pain and suffering?? Why do we have to wait and wait and wait??

I know there are no good answers. Only crappy ones about it 'not being our time yet' or 'it's a challenge to make you stronger'.

Sure it's making me stronger...I am much more equipped for failure and disappointment then the average woman. Our relationship is stronger too. I mean how many men are willing to ejaculate into a cup more than once?!? DH has done it 3 times now and twice in a week!! That's love and dedication if I ever saw it.

But I still don't see a good purpose for what seems like an endless stream of disappointments and heartaches. Surely enough is enough?!? Or perhaps it's only just starting 14 months in? What if the worst is yet to come? I don't even want to think of it.

I just feel like I am slipping further and further behind. So many of my original TTC support crew are quickly approaching their due dates and I am still yet to conceive. When they got their BFPs all those months ago I never thought I would be this far behind them and still waiting for my 2 lines to appear.

Even those like Nani and GS who are only recent BFPers are quickly moving away from me. Nani past the 12 week milestone and GS not far behind her. I figured this would be the case though. By this stage of the game I was not expecting a miracle and knew not to get my hopes up that I could share a pregnancy journey closely with these two amazing women.

Please don't get me wrong. I am happy for all these ladies that have got to experience the joy of seeing those elusive 2 lines. Even happier that some of them will be meeting their little ones in a few short weeks. I am merely reflecting on MY journey and how not one second of it has happened how I expected or wanted it to. When we started on this journey back in August 2009 I could never have imagined still being here 14 months down the track. Not even in my wildest dreams. You start out optimistic and hope for the best...charged with positive vibes of those getting positive news around you. Each month you grow less and less hopeful, lest you get your hopes up for no reason.

And then you wind up here. With words like IUI and IVF being thrown about. And your positivity dies a little bit more. And you wonder just how much longer this nightmare will last before you get the miracle you have been waiting so long for. The miracle you've dreamed about and cried about for so long.

And all I can do is hope that it's worth it. That the amazing high of seeing those 2 lines then knowing that there is a baby growing inside me...that it's enough to blur the pain of this nightmare. That holding our baby in our arms will more than make up for everything we have gone through to make it there.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:My bed


Lauren said...

You and I are in the same boat I think, in terms of TTC timeline and the core group of TTC ladies conceiving. It makes me so joyous to see everyone getting their BFPs but it's so hard at the same time because I want to be part of the club too! But you and I will just keep chugging along until it's Our Cycle and the babydust fairies shine down upon us. I know the finances can be hard, and it sucks that they have to dictate our ability to become mothers.

You're going to get through this! This is a long, painful, arduous process but it's going to be so so worth it in the end.