Off the rails..

So just when I thought we were back on track....more bad news. Possibly the worst news I have had since embarking on this journey.

I got a call from one of the nurses at the IVF clinic this morning. In response to my email plus she had some new information for me.

The freezing of DHs sperm has not gone well. Sample was ok to start..not fantastic but workable. This has gotten worse since the freezing process and we now have what they call a low motility sample which cannot be used for IUI. Infact it is only suitable for IVF or ICSI.

BAM!!!!!!!!!! TAKE THAT!!!!!!

The nurse went into brief detail then got the scientist on the phone to explain in further detail. I was too numb to ask many questions though. Then the nurse got back on the phone and explained the what now.

Basically we can try another sample and get it frozen to see if results improve. Another $315 and no guarantee.

We can still do IUI if we can use a fresh sample. However, chances of DH being home at the right time of month for this do not look good...I counted up to January and it didn't seem like it would coordinate at all. I didn't bother counting any further.

If we wish to progress to IVF then this needs to be discussed further with our FS. I explained that my next appointment wasn't until the 28th so the lovely nurse rang up and got me a spot on the 15th-next Friday.

The nurse also said we can come in for a session with them and they can explain IVF and ICSI. You know the procedure, costs etc.

She left it at this and said I should talk it over with DH and let them know if I want the appointment with them soon so I can at least gather more information before I see the FS.

I am shell shocked. I was at work when this call came through and I managed to hold it together despite feeling like I wanted to faint and vomit simultaneously. I was going to leave work but figured it's better for me to be here and stay calm, rather then go home and cry myself into hysterics.

I have not called DH. I know I will burst into tears as soon as I get him on the line so figure it's best to wait until tonight. I don't want to break down at work and have to answer questions. I have put on my happy facade and no one is any wiser to how I feel inside.

I can't believe this is happening. It doesn't feel real. It feels like a sick joke or a bad dream...a nightmare.

The worst part (well one of) is that I can't even brush this off with the optimism that I could be pregnant now. You know the usual 'well I might get my BFP this cycle and we won't even have to worry about all this' type attitude. I can't even cling to a sliver of hope...there is no chance I am pregnant. My period is just around the corner and seems this will be the case for a long time yet.

Giving up this baby dream seems like a good idea but to be honest this would break my heart. The thought of taking a break while we save the funds or wait until we can try a fresh sample for IUI makes me sick to my stomach. I cannot even begin to imagine how heart breaking it would be to spend $10000 on IVF and get a negative result.

There are no good choices. There is no fast track.
Whatever we do now will involve a long and tedious wait until we can try to conceive a baby. And once again there are no guarantees, no promise of a baby at the end no matter how much money we spend.


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