Down down down

Having some issues with finances at the moment as we are juggling some stuff around for DHs new car and the IVF bill.

Talk about stress and anxiety...

For the past 24 hours I have had a horrible sick feeling in my stomach, a pounding heart and I am struggling to control my breathing so that I don't hyperventilate.

Finances are not sorted completely...(gotta love banks taking their sweet time) but we now have a plan B to pay the bill if the bank doesn't get it's ass into gear on time.

For awhile there I was contemplating cancelling the IVF cycle. A gut wrenching thing to even contemplate, yet alone actually go through with. My mind was running at a million miles a minute trying to figure out alternatives. It has been self inflicted torture.

DH kept telling me to relax and that things would fall into place. I am relieved we have semi sorted the problem and at least have comfort knowing we can go ahead with IVF. I don't know what I would have done if I actually had to go through with cancelling.

So now I can breathe and try to refocus. I am trying to get back in my positive mind set but I am struggling somewhat.

I am feeling stagnant. I'm not moving forward (yet) but so many people around me are. Many of those that I started my TTC journey with are about to (or have) given birth to their babies & others are experiencing the wonders of pregnancy. Yet here I am still waiting and wondering when it's going to be my turn.

Am I ever going to feel my bubba move inside me? Or experience the joy of seeing a tiny thing wriggling around on screen?

Even more simpler..am I ever going to experience seeing those elusive 2 lines?!?! Right now I would settle for that and that alone. The joy of those lines would keep me going for quite awhile I can tell you.

In the time I have been TTC I could have given birth to one baby and possibly gotten pregnant again (if I was super fertile). It's sorta feels like the universe is playing a super sick joke on me or something...

And while I am on this downward spiral I may as well share the not so good news about my grandma. I think I mentioned her quite awhile back. She was diagnosed with lung cancer but was doing well.

She has been quite sick this week and in a lot of pain. Doctors have run a stack of tests/scans etc and have confirmed that the cancer has spread to her stomach.

I am so scared that she won't be with us much longer. I wanted so badly for her to meet my babies and I don't even know if this will happen.

Why is life so f&$@ed up sometimes?!?