getting closer

My period arrived yesterday giving me a 24 day cycle and making today CD2 and my 2nd day back on the pill. It sure is strange going back onto birth control while still in TTC mind set. It seems so wrong!

I sent an email off  to the nurses at the clinic to find out what next. I thought I would get a call from them organising a time for me to go for my baseline scan, but instead I received a reply email with possible dates for our IVF cycle!!!

-eeeeeek-

At this stage I will go in to see my FS for a baseline scan around the 11th of this month. Then after this I need to have an appointment down at the clinic to collect meds (and obviously get the run down on injecting, doses etc) and pay our account. On the 24th I will commence the FSH injections and egg pick up will be scheduled for around the 7th of December....Meaning if all goes well then I will be getting either a BFP or a BFN around Christmas.

-eeeeep-

I have checked my calendar and DH is due home on the 7th but as he doesn't fly in until the afternoon then he wouldn't be here for egg pick or giving a fresh sample. Which means we would have to go with our frozen 'sperm pop' and ICSI. I have emailed back checking with the nurse to see if it would be better to delay the process by a day so that DH could be here and produce us a fresh sample. If it's not feasible then we are happy to stick with our frozen goods and give ICSI a shot.

I know that these dates will pop up quickly. It's already the 3rd of November. I am still in shock that we are in November and Christmas is a mere 6 weeks away or whatever...

I am now in even more shock that by Christmas I could quite possibly be pregnant...or wallowing in self pity about our 1st failed IVF cycle. I am hoping and praying that we will be lucky and receive a Christmas miracle.

I know I'm jumping around all over the place right now. I am freaking out.
This is really happening.
We will be starting IVF in a matter of weeks. The process has already begun.

Right now I can't pinpoint what is freaking me out so much.

Perhaps its just that the process is so foreign and I don't know anyone personally that has been through it that I can talk it through with. There is no one around me that has a full understanding of the process because they have been through it themselves. Sometimes it's just so reassuring having someone say 'oh that's totally normal-it happened to me too'.

Or maybe its more the worrying of another fail. That IVF doesn't give us a positive outcome first time round. To be perfectly honest I do not know how DH and I would cope with this. It would be a massive blow and not something I would bounce back from quickly. Although I suppose I could surprise myself....Maybe I am stronger than I give myself credit for. If it does fail (and I really, really hope it doesn't) I'm not sure how willing DH will be to give it a second go...even if it's just a FET cycle and not as involved. But we will cross this bridge when and if we come to it.

I am trying to stay positive and optimistic. We want this so badly and have waited for what feels like a life time. Surely it's our turn to get that good news. I would love to end 2010 on a happy note and start the new year with a positive outlook.

Anyway I just wanted to blab all this out. I will be busy the next few days with our friends wedding so that gives me a wonderful distraction. Once that's over then I will allow myself to think about all this and dig all my feelings out to explore further. I think I have a lot to work through before we get closer to these dates. Lots to think about and talk out with DH too.