what a night

Well SIL has had her baby. I got at text at about 9:45pm last night from my MIL (totally didn't expect her to contact me) telling me I was now an auntie.

Not what I needed after the afternoon/evening I'd had. Besides I don't want to be an auntie...I want to be a mummy!!!!!! And I have not once through SIL's pregnancy thought about being an auntie or told anyone I was going to be an auntie. Because of my relationship with SIL I just don't see it like that. DH is going to be an uncle and I'm just a tag along. I am not excited (and even if I wasn't TTC I would not be excited I promise you). In my mind I won't be an auntie until my little sister has babies.

I saw the first photos of the baby that SIL's DH put up on FB. Had to try really hard not to cry...only because it was pictures of the daddy holding bub and I want that for DH so much. I know how proud he would be holding our baby for the first time and I know he would make such a wonderful dad. He has been waiting so patiently to become a dad, and I feel so bad that my body won't do the right thing.

Stupid ovaries. Stupid PCOS.

Sorry..feeling a tad overly emotional right now. I think I mentioned before that I had a terrible afternoon/evening. Definitely contributing to my emotional state right now.

Yesterday my grandma was admitted into hospital. We witnessed her literally writhing and moaning in pain while we waited out the process of bypassing the public hospital (does not have a good reputation at the moment) and getting her admitted straight into private. This involved her GP getting into contact with the lung specialist she has been seeing in regard to her cancer diagnosis. This took time...specialists are busy...throw it that it was Friday afternoon and you have an opportunity for disaster.

GP eventually ended up giving her a shot of morphine to help with the pain. It was such a horrible thing to witness seeing her like that and having nothing that can help. Mum was in tears. Eventually the GP resorted to giving her a shot of morphine for the pain (even though it does make her ill). The specialist eventually got int contact and she was taken by ambulance with mum to the hospital.

Spent the next few hours sitting by her bedside keeping her company and waiting for the specialist to arrive. I am impressed that he did turn up at around 6pm on a Friday!!! Very nice man. He has arranged for some tests to be run over the next few days. Grandma has been put on oxygen and a saline drip which even seemed to improve her condition before we left her at around 7:30pm.

Now it's just a waiting game. All of us of course are thinking about the cancer and it having spread (which we found out last week when something similar happened and she had some scans done).  All hoping that something can be done to manage her pain without her staying in hospital long term (which eventually happened to my pop in his last few weeks of life). Trying to think positive for her until we hear otherwise. It was horrible to leave her last night but she insisted we go home and rest.

Anyway I'm off to get organised so I can go visit her this morning.