water works

Saturday, December 18, 2010


Driving home this afternoon and all of a sudden I had this 'feeling' (for want of a better word) come over me...

It hasn't worked.

Sadness flooded in, I teared up and all I could think then was 'its not fair'.

I know we have 6 little embryos in the freezer, but I just don't know how many more negatives I can take. Yes, I have said this before and yes, I have managed to get up and keep going. But it feels different this time. It feels like the end of the road. IVF is our last resort at having a baby...and there are only so many cycles we would be prepared (emotionally and financially) to do before we have to stop. And that hurts.

If this cycle doesn't work, then we are one step closer to giving up. To resigning ourselves to the fact that we may not be able to have children of our own. And I never thought that would be something we would EVER have to even consider.

But here we are.

I know what you're thinking...don't give up hope yet...you might be pregnant. Yes, it's possible. Anythings still possible. But all my other 'feelings' have been accurate. Why would this one be any different?! I would love to be proven wrong. This is one instance where I would like nothing better than for my 'feeling' to be wrong. But I just can't shake it.

I want to stay positive. I have done well so far, but time seems to be dragging. It's only Saturday afternoon. DH isn't home until Tuesday afternoon. My blood test isn't until Thursday morning. I can't stop thinking about it. It's on my mind constantly..and now all I can think about is hearing the doctor tell me that the cycle hasn't worked.


Lauren said...

I think this is the point of The Wait where everyone starts to feel that way. That horrible feeling of "oh god this didn't work," and sometimes it's true and sometimes it isn't. Keep in mind your hormones are in wicked overdrive right now, too, which certainly can't be helping.

You know what does help? Googling pictures of puppies.