Saturday, January 15, 2011

Bubble, our little one that we have fought tooth and nail for may not make it.

I woke this morning to a bleed. Old blood which made me feel slightly better, but freaked out none the less. Especially as it was accompanied by the period cramps I have been experiencing on and off for the past few days. Called my doctors office and got an after hours number to call. Spoke to the doctor and he suggested seeing my GP and getting a referral for a scan and some blood tests. At 7am on a Saturday morning this was no easy task. Most GPs don't open until at least 8am. I managed to get an appointment at a local medical centre for 8:45am.

The GP I saw was brilliant. Understanding and willing to do whatever I needed. Instead of sending me to a blood place he took the blood himself and organised to have it picked up ASAP. He then called a scan place and managed to get an on call sonographer to meet me for an appointment at 11am. He was amazing!! Tempted to make him my new GP because of his above and beyond service.

Went home to wait until it was time for my scan. I paced a lot.

Got there for my scan slightly early and the sonographer wasn't there yet. Not long after I arrived they get a call to say she will be another half hour. The receptionist offers for me to empty my bladder and start again with the water consumption. I accept and dash to the loo. More bad news.

Fresh blood and clots (big ones). I almost burst into tears in the toilet but hold it together. I do not want to be the blubbering mess in the waiting room. Time passes slowly and all I can do is freak out and panic internally. Eventually the sonographer arrives.

She tries an external scan first. I knew that wasn't going to work and consent to the internal. The look on her face does not give me comfort. Her silence for what seems like forever does not give me comfort. The amount of time she looks over things definitely does not bring me comfort. Eventually she shows me Bubble.

Bubble is only measuring 5w5d and I should be 7w3d. The heartbeat is only 90BPM. At this stage it should be over 100 at least. She points out another of her concerns which is that the sac does not look like it is attached and appears to be moving around. I want to cry, but don't.

Scan over. Pay my bill. Collect my films. The report worries me.

"There appears to be a large haemorrhage in the endometrial cavity and the GS appears to move freely up and down in the fluid, changing shape as it does."

That sure doesn't sound good to me. I spend the afternoon waiting until I can call my doctor back about the bloods and hopefully to get his opinion on the scan.

My mum and sister come round. Take me back to mums. Make me eat. Distract me. Comfort me.

I manage to finally get a hold of DH. Did I mention that his phone was off? Well it was..while he was sleeping. I tell him what's been going on. He's angry. Swears. Wants to know why the doctor hasn't been monitoring me. Tells me he wants me to call the doctor now and find out whats going on.

I call my doctor. He is not optimistic. Scan does not sound good. My HCG and progesterone have dropped..they should be higher. Another BT Tuesday. If my levels are still dropping then he says it means I am definitely miscarrying. There is still a slight chance, but not much.

I cry, and cry and cry. Then I have to call DH and tell him over the phone that we might lose our Bubble. What a thing for him to wake up to. A message from me telling him to call him ASAP and then when he does his whole world comes crashing down. The thing we wanted more than anything in the world is being taken away from us.

DH's amazing supervisor has gotten him on the first flight out tomorrow morning. He will be home by around 9am. I am so glad they are letting him come home. I can't do this without him. I need his comfort and his strength.

I have been bleeding on and off all day. It's still fresh blood. It's more than spotting. The cramping continues. To me this does not add up to Bubble's survival.

After everything it took us to get here, I can't believe it's probably going to be taken away.

My little Bubble. Our miracle.


Lauren said...

Oh no no no I hope this is not what is happening :( :( :(

GS said...

I can't add anything more than I have said before but you're on my mind contantly. I wish you didn't live so far away at the best of times. Now more so than ever. There is so much that I wish right now...

But here... for better or for worse... whatever you need.


Lindsay said...

there is nothing more to say just that we are all listening and hoping and wishing there was more to do to comfort.