wish this was a bad dream...

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Last night was terrible. I couldn't sleep. My brain was in overdrive thinking of all the things that maybe I did wrong and maybe that's why this is happening. Totally irrational but I couldn't stop myself. I think I finally drifted into some kind of sleep at around 1am. At 2:45 I was woken by excruciating cramps. So much more painful than even my worst period. I never expected this to physically hurt so much..stupid I know. I was in tears, rolling around my bed, wishing DH was home already. I took a couple of nurofen and this took the edge off the pain. I drifted back to sleep after 4am and was awake again before 6.

When I got up I went to the toilet...I have never seen so much blood. There were clots or tissue or something..my first thought was wondering whether that was Bubble and this was all over. Morbid but what else am I going to think?! The cramping had eased by this point which was some relief.

DH made it home after a stuff around at airport parking. I pretty much threw myself into his arms and started bawling my eyes out. He didn't say anything, just held me. We haven't really talked. He has asked how I am and I have given him the gory details. I don't think we really know what else to say. We never expected this. Everything has been going perfectly. This was our turn. Our chance at a happy ending. Our baby.

A miscarriage was not on our minds. It was not meant to be on the cards. Everything was supposed to go normally. After everything we have been through to get here, surely we deserved a healthy and uneventful pregnancy?!?! The universe obviously didn't think so...

I am still bleeding. Not as much as this morning though. Still cramping but again nothing like it was this morning. This really makes me think that the worst might be over. That Bubble is gone. Getting more bloods done on Tuesday seems pointless. I know what the outcome will be.

I don't know what to do now. I don't know how to get past this. It was such a long and emotional road to get here, to get pregnant...and now it's been taken away from me. I don't want to go back to the beginning. I don't want another TWW or failed cycle. I don't want to be back on that rollercoaster. 16 months was long enough.

Yes we have 6 embies on ice. But that doesn't guarantee us anything. They don't always survive the thaw. A FET cycle may not work. What if they want to do a medicated FET and I am back on the hormonal rollercoaster of drugs? I don't know if I can deal with that again. I feel like I used up the last of my strength and luckily enough we got our Christmas wish and I could move on. But now...now I am meant to pick myself up and dust myself off and keep going?!?! I don't know if I can. I don't know if I want to.


GS said...

I guess the thing here is that when it comes to recovery from a psychological perspective, you are only at the start. The prospective of going back to "TTC Life" is huge. It felt so good to be free... Right now, the answer about whether you can start again may be no. It may be no for quite some time. But it may not always be no. It is early and you need to give yourself time to re-establish some equillibrium. No decisions can be made until both of you have talked...and talked...and talked.

One thing I do know about you is that you are a truely amazing, resilient and persistent human being. You may have reached an all time low... but I know you've felt like you've reached an all time low before and yet you've still stood up. Standing up again doesn't mean TTC again, but it does mean moving forward. I know you can do that but I also know you will need time.

I guess it is one of the ironies of life. Time spent waiting in TTC. Time spent waiting when pregnant. Time still spent went trying to get back on your horse.

You are stronger than you give yourself credit for! You will stand up again. But now it is time to focus on you and repair... Now, more than ever.

I wish we could take this away... make it better...speed it up... do something... But we are always, always thinking of you and always here.


Lauren said...

Well, I think GS covered everything. Just know that I am thinking of you and sending you positive energy. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

Lindsay said...

GS has indeed said it all. thinking about you and so wishing it was possible to reach out and just give you a hug. its good to hear he made it home and you have each other. talk when you can, cry when you have to but focus on you right now.