here there and everywhere

I'm here. Surviving. Taking it day by day. Wondering what the outcome is going to be and when this will all be over.

The bleeding has continued until yesterday. Now today I am just in pain. It's almost like a constant stabbing pain all across my lower stomach under my belly button. The pain increases when I move, when I walk, pretty much when I do anything but lie flat on my back. My stomach feels swollen and tender. Even just a light touch is painful. Nurofen does nothing. I am debating whether to send DH out for something stronger. See how long I can cope with this. I was almost in tears before.

I went to see a GP yesterday for my BT referral. I explained what has been happening and she didn't sound too hopeful either. She even mentioned that I still might need a D & C. I am not too keen on having to go through this procedure. More because I don't like being in hospital but I guess if it's for my health and safety then I cannot refuse. I am sure my ob will give me more information on what next when I speak to him this afternoon as that's when my blood results should be in.

Going to get bloods done this morning was a mission. I did not really want to leave the house due to the pain but DH drove me and walked me in so it wasn't too bad. He is doing a wonderful job at looking after me. Sadly, he's not doing such a good job at keeping up with the housework which is making me antsy..I want to vacuum and mop as the floors are covered in dog hair...but it's too much. I just don't have the energy even if I wasn't in pain. I know housework should be the last thing on my mind, but I guess to think about anything other than the here and is now is a break.

My family and friends are also being amazing. My mum and sister are checking on me daily. Offering all kinds of help and of course a shoulder to cry on. The friends that do know (haven't told everyone that knew about the pregnancy about what's going on) are also amazing with their lovely words of support and kindness. To my surprise I got a delivery of flowers today. A gorgeous colourful arrangement from the wonderful Nani and GreenSprout. Honestly, what would I do without these 2 amazing ladies?!?! Their support and love has been my saviour over the past few days. So a great big THANK YOU to both of them for caring so much.

And how am I feeling?

Totally drained and washed out. I look even worse. Sleep has been a problem. Either my mind is in over drive or I am in too much pain to get comfortable. I nap during the day but only for about an hour at a time, and generally I feel worse than when I went to sleep. I feel void of all emotions right now. I cried when I woke up yesterday morning. It came out of the blue and all DH could say was 'why are you crying? you were fine a second ago'. I suppose being woken up at 8 in the morning by your wife bawling her eyes out is a slight shock to the system...poor guy. He's had to deal with a lot recently.

DH is angry. He has mentioned several times now his anger at the doctor and our clinic for not monitoring me more closely once we receive the first positive result. He feels that they should have done more frequent blood tests to check my levels and that I should have stayed on the Crinone longer. Despite me not really wanting to think about it...I have started to wonder whether he is right and more should have been done early on. I don't know whether it would have changed things, but at least I suppose we would have been more prepared for a negative outcome.

We have discussed trying again. DH is scared of what has happened this time and wants to know whats not to stop this happening again and again...To a certain extent I feel the same way. You do hear about women who have a successful IVF cycle then miscarriage, time and time again. I do not want to go through this over and over again. I just couldn't. But I do want a baby...so much. It's whether I am willing to suffer more heartache before we get a happy ending. At this point in time, neither of us is sure. Besides, who knows when we will be 'allowed' to try a FET cycle...I am not sure of the protocol and how long they like you to wait after a miscarriage. For all I know it could be months and months...

I got over my guilt and have taken the week off work. I got a medical certificate from the GP I saw yesterday. Emailed my boss this morning with no details, just that I was ill and would be off work for the week and that I had obtained a medical cert. Her response was lovely so this made me feel not quite as bad about taking the week off. After the pain I have been experiencing this morning I am really glad I decided to stay home..I would have been absolutely useless at work.

Sorry for the ramblings. My brain can't seem to focus on too much for long. This post is all over the place.