Limits

Thursday, January 20, 2011

DH was so concerned about my ongoing pain that he got me an earlier appointment with the ob...it was this or a trip to the hospital. The doctor did a scan and there is nothing left...Bubble is completely gone. It was quite hard to see my empty uterus. Really hit home. So there is really no reason for me to be in such pain still, especially since the bleeding is down to spotting. I am to have one last blood test on Friday to make sure my levels have dropped completely. I think they were down to 50 something on Tuesday. If they haven't completely dropped by then and I am still in pain then it will require further investigation. I am hoping that the pain eases...I don't feel like anymore prodding or poking.

So DH has been amazing...except for one little hiccup on Tuesday night when I hopped out of the shower bawling my eyes out and he told me that I 'need to get over this'. Lovely. Just what I wanted to hear. This of course had me in even more tears (if that's possible) and him ignoring me. I was so upset but so angry that he could say that to me. I'm grieving..I'm not just going to 'get over it'. I waited 16 months to find out a baby was growing inside me and I had it taken away in a matter of weeks...that's not something one gets over quickly. -sigh-Turns out this was boy speak for 'I am so worried about you and feel so helpless that you are in pain and I can't do anything to fix it'. We talked it out a little and I explained that he needs to be a little more understanding. But if only he could have spoken up in the first place...would have saved me a lot of anger and hurt. Men!

I think I mentioned in my last post that the ob had told me it could be up to 3 months before we are able to try again. He reiterated this when I had my appointment yesterday afternoon. I have to wait for my period to happen not once but twice after the miscarriage before they will look at doing a FET cycle. So it all hinges on my body and how long it takes to get itself sorted out...and we all know how much fun it is to rely on our bodies to do the right thing...I don't know if I will care if it takes longer than 2-3 months. I don't know if I will be ready to try again then or not. I think DH will be keen to get back on track with things...but I will have to wait and see how I feel. Part of me wants to try again ASAP and the other part doesn't.  What if the cycle works and then this happens again?? How could I deal with another miscarriage within months of the first?? Or going the other way, what if the cycle doesn't work? Or we lose several of our embies in the defrosting? Then what?

I said to DH yesterday that if we use up the 6 frosties and I am still not pregnant then I think that would be it. I don't think I could put myself through another full stim cycle. It's stressful and draining and emotional. He understands. Perhaps it's just the state of mind I am in right now, I don't know...but I cannot see myself wanting to drag out TTC for years more. I don't want to be one of those couples that has done multiple stim cycles and multiple FET cycles with no success. I couldn't keep putting myself through the heartbreak of BFN after BFN. So for now...6 embies it is. Whether that means 1 FET cycle or 6 I don't know...but this will be our limit. I cannot continue to put my life on hold for TTC indefinitely. There needs to be some sort of time frame..and this can be it.

When we reach that limit, who knows? Perhaps by then I will feel ready to tackle another stim cycle or perhaps we will think about other options for children. Or maybe we will have gotten lucky and will not have to think about anything but the baby that we will be welcoming into the world...I don't know. But for the sake of our emotional well being and the sake of my physical well being...if those 6 get used up without success-I am done.

2 comments:

Nani said...

Awww Summa, I haven't been on the computer much thanks to the storms so I have been missing most of your posts. but I have just gone through and re read them and my heart so goes out to you. I have said to you so many times before that I wish I could just fix things for you but we both know that that is not possible. Perhaps I feel a bit like your DH in this situation.

I have offered you my little bits of advice but I totally understand that where you are at the strain that you had gone through to even get to having bubble with the IVF was enormous and I could never imagine walking in those shoes for one day... that will make this miscarriage so hard for you but I do want to remind you, as much as I hated hearing this, that there are people who make it through. I don't think that others know HOW they are going to do it either before they do, it just happens. The human mind and emotions are amazing things and somehow people make it. Just try not to plan too much, try not to over think things, try not to over talk them if you don't feel like it and just take a day at a time putting one foot in front of the other. My hope is that if you do that, one day you will get to a place of comfort and semi acceptance and not even realise how you got there.

I know that GS has said it in her posts before but you are a strong and loving person. You will make it through this and whatever the outcome of your success with your 6 frosties you and DH still have eachother and as your blog says, it's just you two...for now. It is my most sincere hope that two becomes three and on and on but if you are anything like me, right now thinking too much into the future just hurts too much and the is understandable.

I think of you constantly and you know how much I love you... I want everthing to be fine but I know that you have to cope and that will take time. As I have said like a broken record, remember that GS and I are always here for you... if one day it is too much to speak to us then don't and if the next you feel like talking again, you know we are here.

We are here to support you, whatever that means. Consider us your recovery slaves and what you want we do!!! (hope GS doesn't mind me committing her to slave-ness)

Hang in here, one step at a time and look after yourself.

More hugs and good thoughts going to you than I express.

Nani said...

Oh and one more thing, you know how concerned I was that people would forget about baby white... and I just want to let you know that I personally will NEVER as long as I live forget your little Bubble or all of the moments that we shared as friends (with GS) throughout the time that Bubble was with you. Bubble has a most very special place in my heart and will be remembered.

xxxxx