Periods, Waiting & the Weirdness of the Human Race

Friday, January 28, 2011

More terrible sleep. Stupid insomnia is making a comeback with a vengence. I didn't go to bed until around 11:30 but didn't drift off until almost 2am. Then I was rudely awoken at 5am by a bird. OMG this bird!!! It sounded like a cross between a dying bird and a dying cat! And it was SO loud! I mean I had the air con running and I could hear this thing squawking over the top of that. Eventually I managed to drown it out and fall back asleep by about 7am but then at 9am my phone rang. I was prepared to get very cranky at whoever had decided to call me, but it turned out to be DH calling to say he loved me and that he is always thinking of me. -cue chorus of awwww's- So of course I couldn't be mad at him and gave up on sleep and got up.

Tackled the housework today. Just the regular housework, not the list of extra stuff I want to do. But I did the ENTIRE house. Which is a mammoth effort as our home has 4 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, study, 2 living areas, kitchen & dining spread over 3 levels. Usually I don't bother with the upstairs living and spare bedrooms..but they all got the once over today. It was a cleaning frenzy! Needless to say after this I was exhausted and promptly slumped on the couch for the rest of the afternoon...except to throw things in the slow cooker for dinner.

I had some vodka and lemonade first alcoholic drink in quite a few months. It went straight to my head and I felt quite tipsy. I am hoping it might help me sleep?!? Probably won't, but it's worth a shot. Not that I would be wanting to use alcohol on a regular basis to improve my sleeping patterns..but it's the weekend and 1 drink isn't going to hurt me.

DH's birthday is next month. On Valentines Day to be specific. I mentioned something to him about having a party, as usually he is all poo-poo on celebrating and refuses to do anything. To my surprise he agreed! And now I am freaking out about having a stack of people here and having to be social and play hostess. Eeeeek! It is the last thing I want to do at the moment. But I don't want to turn around to poor DH and say he can't have a party anymore. He deserves to do something nice for his birthday....and I don't want to spoil it for him with my downer mood. I am sure I can survive one night...I may need to get extremely drunk though. But that's ok-I'll be at home so I can pass out in my own bed! It's still a few weeks away as it won't be until the weekend after V Day as DH doesn't get home until the day after his birthday this year.

I have been madly trying to think of a present to buy him. He is hard to buy for as when you ask him if there is anything he wants he either says nothing or he rattles off something that is completely out of our price range...just to annoy me! So far I have come up with a few little things...but nothing amazing. It's the dogs birthday on V Day as well...he'll be 2 and hopefully he will finally start to settle down (for those who don't know we have a crazy dog that has managed to destroy many things at home AND at my parents house). He has actually gotten bettter over the past few months...perhaps he is finally growing out of some of his puppy habits. -cheers-

Not much else to say. Still haven't heard from our friends. I don't think there is anything I can do about it. And to be honest, if they can't deal with this...well they can get stuffed. This journey is tough enough without worrying about other people's feelings and issues. I need to put me first right now and surround myself with people who care and are not afraid to talk to me. It's a little sad, because some of these people are not ones I would have expected to do this..but I guess that's just life. If miscarriage and infertility weren't seen as such 'taboo' issues and were talked about more then perhaps people would know how to broach the subject and how to talk to someone that going through these types of things. But as adults, you would think you could try at least...-shrugs- who knows!

So still no plans for the weekend. Maybe a good thing...maybe I need more time before I face the world so to speak. I don't know. Part of me wants to get back out there and get over this anxiety and the rest of me just wants to stay in the safety of home. I'm really not good at making decisions at the moment and generally have no idea what I want. I can't make up my mind, even over the most simplest things.

I am already freaking out about how quickly (or slowly) my body is going to get back into regular cycles. I have no idea when I should expect a period or what to expect of this period. Is it going to be heavy, light, painful or long? How long should I wait for it to arrive before I start to worry? Do I go back to my current FS in the meantime if my period does not arrive for a substantial amount of time? What if I get to my new FS appointment and my period is still AWOL?!? What then?  How much more of a delay will that put on starting a FET cycle? Questions, questions and more questions...and most probably not ones that someone else can answer for me. It really is a waiting game right now. I hate that. I have no control what so ever. It would be really crap if my period does not turn up..I mean I had such lovely, regular cycles before IVF. It would be quite devastating if they don't come back. Just another set back to add to the list I suppose.

Argh, I would quite like to fast forward to the new FS appointment. I am desperately hoping that there is a cancellation and I can see the new doctor sooner...wishful thinking but I doubt it will happen.

Oh well..for now I keep waiting. You would think I would be good at this by now...