Survival and a Plan

I survived my first day back at work. It wasn't easy...I was an emotional wreck in the car on the drive in and wanted so very badly to turn the car around and race home to the safety of my couch...but I didn't! I soldiered on through the day, catching up on a million things that I missed last week. I wondered if I would be questioned as to why I was away but everyone just asked if I was feeling better. My standard response was 'yes, much better'...not really true but I couldn't exactly say that! I decided against sharing everything with my boss. Mostly because I knew I would start to cry if I talked about it, and I didn't want to do that at work...So for now it's still my private business.

I didn't start the day off too well. I tossed and turned most of the night worrying about EVERYTHING! I then got up this morning and decided to POAS...just to make sure the HCG has left my system. (I know, I know...a very stupid thing to do this morning of all mornings but I couldn't help myself). Of course the test was negative, but for some reason it hit me really hard that my beautiful second line was gone...Robot mode to get ready for work and stop myself from crying was how I actually managed to get showered, dressed and into the car.

I must send a special shout out and massive THANK YOU to Green Sprout for keeping me company via email for my entire working day! What a legend!! Bantering back and forth with her really helped me get through the day and not hide out under my desk.

Physically, I am well. The bleeding and cramping have completely stopped. The pregnancy symptoms have all but gone...well asides from my crazy sore nipples. I look 100% better than I did last week (which was washed out and oh so pale).

Emotionally, I feel like I am going crazy. I am turning into a recluse, anti social crazy cat woman (except I own a dog). Today was the longest I have been out of the house in well over a week. It's the first time I have left the house on my own since I went to the doctors and scan on that awful, awful Saturday.

I am not usually like this. It scares me a little.

I like to get out of the house, I like to socialise. But the thought of socialising with people outside of my home makes me want to curl up in the foetal position and rock. I have been invited to a few different Australia Day celebrations and I cannot bring myself to go. It looks like I will be sitting on the couch watching whatever pay TV has to offer with my puppy dog for company. I will be glad for the extra sleeping time...I am so, so tired.

I am keeping my eye out for myself. I know my signs of sinking back into depression. I know what to watch for. I DO NOT want to end up back in that black hole. I am not going to let infertility and TTC beat me. Which is why we now have a new plan!!

Yes, I am doing what all the optimism psychs say...I'm looking forward. DH and myself have kept coming back to the lack of support I received between when I got my BFP and when I miscarried. Most other IVFers receive monitoring in the form of BT's every second day up until their first scan (and some beyond). Many are left on progesterone supplements (such as Crinone like I was on) until they hit the magical 12 week mark. PCOSers are sometimes left on Metformin or slowly weaned off over the course of the first 12 weeks too. But what did I get?!?! NOTHING! What if this monitoring and continued meds were the difference between a miscarriage and our sticky baby? What if this miscarriage could have been prevented with something as simple as continued Crinone until 12 weeks? That freaks us out..as you can imagine.

I also had a lovely lady on BubHub who I have been speaking to send me a message suggesting I try another clinic and doctor. She is a fellow IVFer and currently 24 weeks pregnant with an amazing IVF miracle courtesy of an egg doner..her sister! The doctor she recommended works out of a clinic in Brisbane. This is about an hours drive from home and would mean lots of travel back and forth while cycling. But this man is good. He has an amazing reputation, bundles of success stories and a 2 month waiting list!

I discussed this with DH and we have decided that it's worth a shot. So I have booked an appointment. The 25th March is when we see Dr Warren DeAmbrosis at the Queensland Fertility Group clinic. 2 months away but that means:

-my body has time to sort itself out and get back on track after the miscarriage
-I have time to get a new referral from my GP
-gives us time to save some money for a FET cycle (plus the extra costs of registering with a new clinic and the costs of transfering my frozen bubsicles from our current clinic to the new one).

I am anxious about the waiting game over the next 2 months, but realistically we could be waiting that long (or longer) for my cycles to regulate again. Plus it gives me more time emotionally to come to terms with what has happened, and prepare myself to start again all positive and fresh.

I told my parents the new plan tonight and they are very supportive, as I am hoping our other friends and family will be (well I don't expect anything from my in laws...but you know the people who matter). I will also be looking into acupuncture. There is a lady locally who has a great reputation of working on IVFers and ladies who have suffered miscarriages. Can't hurt right?!

So there you have it. I am trying my hardest to look forward and not back. The wound is still raw and will take time to heal, but I am working on it. I may feel like an emotional mess but I am endeavouring to put my best foot forward and focus on our dream...a healthy baby. Looks like we are going to do whatever it takes to make our dream come true.