Babblings

Sunday, February 13, 2011

I am so very proud of myself. I did not spend this weekend sitting on my couch moping...in fact I was rarely even home! The weekend has flown by. I have not had a chance to dwell on the fact that Saturday marked 1 month since I miscarried and we lost our Bubble. Probably was for the best.

Friday I spent running errands, went out for lunch and managed to fit in a walk on the beach too. Saturday I got to catch up with Nani & Green Sprout. It was lovely to see them both. We enjoyed a leisurely lunch, some window shopping and a movie. I spent Saturday night with my grandma and stayed overnight. Headed home about lunch time today and then spent the afternoon with my mum. I then caught up with another friend late this afternoon and only got home at about 6:30pm! I am EXHAUSTED!!!

The past 24 hours or so have been quite emotional. My grandma is not doing so well. Yes, she is out of hospital but we are not sure how long it will be before she is readmitted. This cancer has started kicking butt...It's horrible to see the effect it is having on her and it seems to be getting worse and worse. I hate to see her in so much pain and so miserable.

What's making it worse is that not all the family is helping out and spending time with her. She has 5 offspring (2 boys & 3 girls). All live close by with their partners but it seems all is being left up to the girls. My sister has taken on the role of carer (as she lives in the granny flat underneath the house) but the rest of us are supporting her and trying to give her some time off for herself so she doesn't burn out. Right now it seems only my mum and her 2 sisters (and me) are visiting regularly. The boys are slack and keep coming up with lame excuses why they can't visit. The rest of the grandchildren (there are 9 more besides me and my sister) are either too self absorbed or live too far away to visit. That her own 2 sons won't visit her is what pisses us all off.

I was chatting with her this morning and she was commenting about how much she misses 'son T and son F'. What can I say to that?!!? I can't force them to visit...but it would boost her spirits so much. She doesn't have much time left. We can all see this...even mum mentioned it to me this morning. It's so sad to think about it, but I guess we have to face facts and be prepared for the worst. The only comfort I get is knowing that she then wouldn't be in pain. I just can't understand why her own sons would want to miss out on spending time with her right now...My mum is trying to rally them round. She is not having much luck (and as the youngest child she thinks that the boys won't listen to her anyway) unfortunately. Sometimes I wish I could just kick some people and make them realise how stupid they are being...visiting once a week for a few hours IS NOT hard.

Had a lovely catch up with a friend today. She let me garble on and on about EVERYTHING! The miscarriage, changing doctors, infertility in general...the works. It was so nice to blurt it all out and have someone listen without blurting out stuff that makes you feel worse. She just listened and commiserated. No 'useful' advice, no cliche sayings, no stories from friends of friends...I think it was the most I have talked about all this stuff in one sitting. I felt somewhat lighter as we ended our catch up. A sense of relief or something...

I am headed back to work tomorrow. Doing a couple of weeks with full time hours. Good for the bank balance but I think I will be totally exhausted by the end of it. I don't feel like I have had a weekend at all...hopefully I will get a good nights sleep...would help...a lot!

DH's birthday tomorrow. He will see it in on night shift and then spend most of the day asleep! Poor guy. He'll be back Tuesday afternoon so I will have to make up for lack of birthday with a nice dinner and perhaps a cake...and then we have his party on Saturday. I have decided that I am going to make myself a big tray of jelly shots and get very, very drunk. I don't think it will take much alcohol to get me in this state considering how little I have been drinking since TTC. I figure I can stand to let my hair down since we are in TTC limbo land...

Still no sign of AF. Had some cramping today but it has dissapeared. *shrugs* My body is USELESS. It has proven time and time again that it cannot do anything right....this is just another example.

2 comments:

New Year Mum said...

Great that you had a distracted w/end... I find that I feel so much better when I'm occupied :) Sorry to hear about your Grandma...must make a huge difference to her that she had a granddaughter like you to spend time with xoxo

GS said...

Ok before you start spewing venom at your poor body, remember that day one of a miscarriage does not equal CD1. Your body is still stack full of HCG, estrogen and progesterone. They aren't normal levels and even when HCG bottoms out, it doesn't mean the other two will be perfect then either. So not exactly fair to ask your body to start functioning normally in a time period where not normal things were happening. Also, keep in mind that even if it takes a couple more weeks to get things working it doesn't mean your body is doing anything wrong. It is no different to coming off the pill. Some people are lucky and their body just runs with it but there are a LOT of people who take a little while to get it back. There is a reason why they suggest three months before trying again... Dare say it isn't just to piss fertility challenged off. ;-) Cramping is a good start. Means there is some movement at the station. I wouldn't expecting anything in terms of AF until at least a good month after you stopped not only bleeding but all the cramping and carry on that you were experiencing if you are to give your body a realistic time line. And that realistic time line may involve tacking on some extra time at the end. Yes.. I know.. More waiting. Xxxx