Rage

Sunday, February 6, 2011

Probably shouldn't be writing this post in the mood I am in...but perhaps it's good to get all the sad, angry emotions out.

The past few days I have been having EXTREME mood swings. Poor DH has been copping it. I'm yelling and screaming at him over nothing. I'm ranting to him about petty issues. Then the next minute I feel so down that I'm almost in tears, and then I'm happy and smiley again. It's enough to make your head spin. Poor DH is quite confused and less than impressed. I feel like I should be wearing a 'warning' sign. I'm not game to go out and socialise with other people just incase they do something that sets me off (which right now could be as small as breathing wrong...). Which leaves me sitting on the couch today while DH has gone out fishing with his mates.

What is wrong with me?!?! I was going to put it down to the heat...but I was ok earlier in the week with the heat so I don't think that's the problem. My only other thought is that my period is coming with a vengence...it's been 3 weeks since the miscarriage so I am hoping it does show up soon. So maybe these mood swings are PMT...I can only hope because otherwise I think it just means I am turning into a moody cow.

Today I also hate dislike fertiles. This stems from  reading a stupid post on Bub Hub from a woman that started TTC quite a long time after me, fell pregnant first try, now has a 3 month old baby...and is now questioning whether she is pregnant again. Reading this made me feel WHITE, HOT RAGE. Seriously...my head could have exploded from the rage I felt when I read this. How is something like this even remotely fair to infertiles?!!? Why can't the babies be spread around a little bit more evenly?? It doesn't seem right that some women can have 7 babies and others can't even have 1. GRRRRRRRRRRR!!! I could rant on for pages and pages about this, but I won't.

While I am on the ranting/raving/complaining track I'm just going to point out that despite DH being home, we are still on the avoidance list of many friends. One of DH's best mates has not even acknowledged what has happened. It's really sad. He hasn't seen DH since before the miscarriage and keeps blowing DH off. I still haven't had an RSVP from him for DH's party. What kind of friend does that?!!? They have been mates since they were 13. He was there with DH when his father died. Yet he can't stand to be around for this???? The males are really a confusing species. I also haven't had contact from my female friend (part of the couple that came round awkwardly last weekend for our girl catch up....which just makes my mind work over drive and wonder whether she IS pregnant, or whether she just finds it too hard to talk to me knowing that we are in a horrible waiting phase and they are actively TTC. *shrugs* Who knows...I just wish people would put aside their own issues to be supportive.

I also have another wonderful (please note my sarcasim) story about my inlaws...DH took me round to SIL/MILs place on Friday afternoon. I really didn't want to go, but he laid a bit of a guilt trip on me. I knew it wouldn't end well. I was right. While we were there for maybe a period of 2 hours...

-I was picked on/argued with about my new choice in Fertility Specialist (no joke..they wanted to argue with me about my research and choices...)
-I was regaled with tales of other people's miscarriages
-I had it pointed out to me that SIL has had "heaps" of miscarriages (I wonder if she is mistaking her 3-4 terminations as miscarriages..it wouldn't surprise me)
-DH was drilled about whether he is going to continue working away from home (this happens almost everytime we see them and I am unsure why it concerns them so much)
-of course there was the usual drivel out of SIL's mouth which consists of 'me me me..baby this baby that...we did this...me me me...'
-guilt from both MIL and SIL about our decision NOT to spend Christmas in NZ with them (as if I want a holiday with the pair of them!!)
-DH was made to feel guilty that he was going to be away at work for his birthday which was followed by giving him a crappy birthday present which is completely useless to him and seems like not a shred of thought was put into it

Great way to spend an afternoon hey?!?

1 comments:

New Year Mum said...

Sounds like an awful afternoon :( Mood swings are all part of this terrible journey and I've convinced myself that they are all part of the healing process... makes it even harder when people are insensitive though. If it's PMT, that's probably a good thing - my body took more than one cycle to get back in rhythm... so might be a good sign that you're body is doing OK :) Thinking of you xo