some help

Monday, February 7, 2011

I just received a phone call from a friend who I haven't spoken to since before the miscarriage but she has been texting. I think she understood that I needed some time before we spoke over the phone or in person. Anyway, she called tonight and there was 0 awkwardness. She asked how I was and meant it. She also didn't try to say any of the frustrating things that people often say, instead she commiserated and told me how crap it was and how unfair the world seems to be.

This IS what I need right now.

No stories about other people's miscarriages and successes afterwards, no 'it wasn't meant to be', no 'relax', no miracle cures that someone else has used. Just someone agreeing with me that this sucks and it's hard, and it will take time until I feel right again.

Only a small handful of people get this and have managed to do this. Even my own husband has only half managed to get it right. So I must sat I was really glad to talk to this particular friend and even more so because I was having a downer night and talking to someone helped.

I also received another lovely email from the friend who sent me flowers last week. Nice to know that there are people out there still thinking of me, and that they don't expect me to have gotten over it by now.


These warm fuzzies however, cannot erase the place I was in last night.

I hit a new low and for a few hours I was back in my darkest place.
It was scary. In fact, it's still scary. Just thinking about how I felt last night makes me panic.
I'm so scared.
I thought I was coping with all this quite well, but last night the walls came crumbling down. Perhaps you can only 'cope' for so long before these walls do crash down around you. And then you see your life in ruins.

I did manage to drag myself back out....just. Despite the thoughts that were racing through my head, the hideous images, the awful ideas...I pulled myself up....slightly. I'm not out of the woods. I know that. I also know that it's time to seek help.


Gurlee said...

Hi there,
I just stumbled across your blog the way one does those sorts of things. Sadly, we share a similar journey. I had a m/c after my first sucessful IVF cycle this fall. I am onto my second IVF and I am feeling very hopeful. I just wanted to say hi and say "your not alone". I hope we can reach the ultimate goal together. Best!!
Gurlee :)

Lindsay said...

oh Summastarlet - my heart just aches for you. You might have awful, scary days but the point is you made it to today and you might be shaken up but you did it. I wish it was easy to say there is a timeline when it will be better. I wish there were guidelines on what to do, but alas there are not. So all you can do is get through each day and I hope that when you have those dark times you can fight to think to a positive thing to or to help you get through.

You might not be getting a lot of calls or emails from your IRL people but we are thinking about you in the bloggie world!

New Year Mum said...

Thinking of you... after 12 months of ups and downs (well really more downs than ups) I can honestly say that the pain never goes away... just the intensity eases. It took me a while to seek help and it has made the world of difference to me and I am now starting to see the gift that was Gabrielle and Ashley's live and all the things this journey is teaching me. Great to have a friend that you can really share this with who sounds like she really understands - friends like that are exceptional xo