some help

I just received a phone call from a friend who I haven't spoken to since before the miscarriage but she has been texting. I think she understood that I needed some time before we spoke over the phone or in person. Anyway, she called tonight and there was 0 awkwardness. She asked how I was and meant it. She also didn't try to say any of the frustrating things that people often say, instead she commiserated and told me how crap it was and how unfair the world seems to be.

This IS what I need right now.

No stories about other people's miscarriages and successes afterwards, no 'it wasn't meant to be', no 'relax', no miracle cures that someone else has used. Just someone agreeing with me that this sucks and it's hard, and it will take time until I feel right again.

Only a small handful of people get this and have managed to do this. Even my own husband has only half managed to get it right. So I must sat I was really glad to talk to this particular friend and even more so because I was having a downer night and talking to someone helped.

I also received another lovely email from the friend who sent me flowers last week. Nice to know that there are people out there still thinking of me, and that they don't expect me to have gotten over it by now.

_________________

These warm fuzzies however, cannot erase the place I was in last night.

I hit a new low and for a few hours I was back in my darkest place.
It was scary. In fact, it's still scary. Just thinking about how I felt last night makes me panic.
I'm so scared.
I thought I was coping with all this quite well, but last night the walls came crumbling down. Perhaps you can only 'cope' for so long before these walls do crash down around you. And then you see your life in ruins.

I did manage to drag myself back out....just. Despite the thoughts that were racing through my head, the hideous images, the awful ideas...I pulled myself up....slightly. I'm not out of the woods. I know that. I also know that it's time to seek help.