Does Anyone Know?

Friday, March 11, 2011

When does it get any easier?
When does the hurt go away, or even ease slightly?
Because right now all I want to do is rewind and go back to when I was pregnant and happy and totally unaware that on the 15th January everything would change in a matter of hours.

I hurt all the time. All day everyday. Even when I don't think about it, I hurt. My heart aches for the baby we lost. It aches for all the crap we had to endure to even get to the point of seeing those 2 lines on a pee stick. It aches at the thought of going through more crap to possibly experience more heart break and no baby in my arms.

I can't even put into words how awful I feel..and it doesn't feel like it's getting any better. I actually feel worse (if that's possible..). I'm sinking down into the depths and I don't even care.


Jaya said...
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M46610 said...

At the beginning, I didn't think I'd be that upset... I wasn't prepared.

And the depression hit me -- hard. For months. It took me at least 3 months of sudden bouts of crying daily. And therapy ... with a psychologist. I made some life changes, quit my job, cut off over a foot of my hair and tried to be different. Eventually things just eased up. And I think everyone heals differently.
I wish I could tell you you'd be feeling better real soon. It's a horrible thing to deal with and just know there are others experiencing it with you.

Thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way...

Jay said...

Having been through this twice (I've had 2 losses, my babies both died around 8-9 weeks)- It DOES get better. After a while, all you are left with is an aching sadness that it had to happen this way, but life does go back to somewhat like it was before. You have had a really long, hard tough road getting here, and hence you probably feel this even more.

But take it one day at a time..everybody has a different patter of healing. Maybe you have to sink before you resurface.

Thinking of you.

New Year Mum said...

Thank you so much for your words of encouragement on my blog... means so much to me. The pain does go away... and melts into more of a dull ache that rises up at times. I read once that the depth of our grief is a sign of how much we're capable of loving. If you felt no emotion about having lost your child, you would have to be quite a detached person. I found that I needed to feel worse before I could feel better... only trouble was that I denied my feelings initially, so the depth came months later. I do feel better for having gone through that and always remembering her, like you do yours, makes a huge difference. Thinking of you always xoxo

And so it goes said...

Sending a shoulder to lean on as any words I have to say are imperfect and lacking at best.

I can relate to everything you write in this post. I wish there was a magical potion for making the hurt go away. I think often about what advice I would give to myself if I could go back in time to our two miscarriages. And the only things I could say are to be easy on yourself. THIS IS HARD, even is society doesn't understand. A loss is a loss. Let yourself grief. And get help - from professionals or solid loved ones or both- to walk with you on the path to healing. Healing does come, even if the hurt doesn't ever go away. And hope does creep back in in my experience.

Be gentle to your self.

Kate Bentley said...

I can answer 'does it get any easier' with a yes, but I can't answer when.

I can say, sometimes the hurt goes away and sometimes it eases. And then like the wind, it returns.

I can tell you, you will live through this, but you won't know how. But you will live, though this kills you.

And I know the only people who will truly know how you feel will be those that have walked this horrible path. Find them.

sending gentle love and care xxxxxx