Freak Out

Monday, April 4, 2011

Today has been a busy one, but we achieved a lot.

-DH had the bloods done that the new FS requested
-We filled in the paperwork (and returned it) so that our old IVF clinic will release our frozen embryos to the new clinic
-Spoke with one of the scientists at the new clinic so they now know about our little embies and they should be at the new clinic by the end of next week!

After all that running around I dropped DH at the airport so he could fly back out to work for another week. As I was driving home, I was thinking about how nervous I was that this FET cycle is only a week or so away from starting. This got me wondering why I wasn't more excited as it means we could be getting closer to our baby and then it hit me...

I am freaking out because I am getting closer to possibly becoming pregnant again (hang on you say, isn't that what you want???) but this means that I could possibly be getting closer to miscarrying again...and that scares the beejebus out of me!!!

I want to be pregnant, but being pregnant doesn't always equate to a take home baby which is our ultimate goal of course. I know that these fears are normal and many others that have miscarried have probably felt the same way, but the question is, how do I overcome this fear??? Or is it something that will hang around and perhaps lessen as I pass each hurdle of a subsequent pregnancy?

I know I am jumping the gun right now because we still have a few hurdles to cross before I may even get to the stage of PUPO and then perhaps hear that the blood test shows I am pregnant (which will of course ensue a POAS madness). But that's all I can think about right now.


Tara said...

unfourntley that fear is always there! I was 30 some weeks when i went into L&D & got checked & out came her hand with blood, my thought? my baby is dead.

it does lessen with each hurdle tho, after that first trimester even much so.

but you want to know the wonderful thing?

pregnancy is amazing, you take each back ache, heart burn, hard kick with such happiness.

I miss my angelbabies, but im grateful I experienced my pregnancy with such happiness unlike most women.

Lauren said...

I haven't experienced pregnancy loss but a week away from transfer, I'm already beyond terrified that I will. Because we're so hyper-aware of the possibilities, it's hard to ignore them. From what I've read and heard from other IF pregnant women, it seems we will likely fear it the whole time, though it begins to dull the further on you get.

Amanda said...

I wish I could offer some advice, but I feel the same way as you. It's unfortunate that my past miscarriages have taken away the initial joy of being pregnant, but that's just the reality of it.

What I'm going to try to do, as I did with my second pregnancy, is just take it one day at a time, and appreciate every second. Because whether it is a viable pregnancy or not, I might as well have enjoyed being pregnant...
(easier said than done, I know!)

Nani said...

Yep.... Doesn't go away. You know how far gone I am and I am still a crazy person for movement. I'd I dont feel anything for a few hours my mind starts to get the best of me....BUT despite all that I have some how nearly made it.

So no, it doesn't go away but as with so many things in life if seems that with little goals and milestones we can make of through to the end date. It is a difficult and pensive time but one also filled with lots of good things which counteract the worry.

And we are all here if you need us :-D

New Year Mum said...

I know exactly how you feel and every time I think of being pregnant I get a twinge of anxiety. Each hurdle will get you closer to your dream and nerves will dissolve into relief :)) Thinking of you every step of the way xoxo