Worries

Saturday, May 28, 2011

7 Weeks

I had another blood test yesterday and my HCG levels were at 31 500. The GP seemed very happy with this result, and while it made me relax for a second I am back on high alert. 7w3d is when I started miscarrying, and looking back over my pregnancy journal...nothing was up prior to this point! In fact I was feeling very similar to how I am right now.

This scares the absolute crap out of me.

What if in the next few days the same thing happens again??

The rational side of me keeps reminding myself that I am on a looooong list of medications this time round and my levels are higher...

...but the irrational side of me is just Smiley

So I have been trying to keep myself busy all day to stop my brain going into overdrive.

I started the day with breakfast with a friend at a favourite cafe. It was very hard to explain why I wasn't having a coffee or ordering my favourite meal (eggs Benedict) but I managed to avoid too many questions! I have then spent the rest of the day with my sister. She even cooked me dinner and yummy brownies for dessert! But now she's gone and of course it's quiet and my mind is free to wander...

Every time I go to the loo I hold my breath and half expect to see blood.
Every twinge and cramp in my stomach is worrying me.
Lack of severe morning sickness worries me.
The fact that it's almost 9:30pm and I'm not worn out and in bed yet even worries me!

(Ok yes we have established that I am a worry wart...but honestly..I can't help it!!!)

I know all I can do is take it one day at a time.
I need to breathe and try to relax and focus on hearing/seeing positive news at the scan on Friday.
I know there is nothing more I can do to help our little one/s stick around other than what I am already doing.
So why can't my mind accept this and stop plaguing me with awful thoughts?!?!

On a random note..I weighed myself on Monday and then again today...I have lost 5kg. What's up with that?!? I have been eating far more than normal and am extremely bloated so was actually expecting a gain..so now I am almost back to where I was prior to starting our first IVF stim cycle!

6 comments:

lostintranslation said...

I won't tell you to stop worrying because I can imagine how you feel (even though I never miscarried). I hope the coming days will go by quickly and uneventfully and Friday's scan will show a healthy growing little bean (or two). Good luck trying to stay sane. Thinking of you.

Jay said...

I'm a two time miscarrier, and basically, anybody in the position of having gone through this nightmare once is going to be a train wreck atleast until they cross the barrier of when the losses occurred.

Keeping you in my thoughts, and virtually holding your hand...hope they next few week fly by and you get to the point when you feel safe and start enjoying the wonder of pregnancy!

Mrs BabyDream said...

Stay strong, you're doing great!!

New Year Mum said...

Sorry about my slow commenting :( The worries can get so strong after losing a little one. Great that you're levels are so strong and medications can make a huge difference to pregnancy chances. You're doing everything that you can possibly do. The first trimester is so hard but you're more than half way to week 12 when the risk of MC significantly reduces. With you every step of the way. Love always xoxo

Liz said...

Hoping you can find some good distractions. I can't imagine how nervous you must be. I know I would feel the same way. Can't wait to hear about your ultrasound.

Stinky said...

fingers crossed, hon, hope the dangerday passes uneventfully and with lots of reassuring pukes (I know, you're not getting that, but if it started, it would be a kinda bonus?!!)