Sad Times

Today's not a good day. I went with my parents to visit my grandmother (mum's mum) in hospital. Some of you may remember a few posts I have done about her over the past 6-8 months or so. She has cancer and has been in and out of hospital a lot in more recent times.

She has been cared for at home for the past few months (with a few short stays in hospital in between) but she went back into hospital last weekend. This was the first chance I had to visit...and I haven't seen her in a few weeks. I was so shocked when we walked into the room. She is skin and bones lying in bed, barely moving, barely conscious. She is on a lot of different medications for pain and nausea and a few other things and I suppose the idea is to keep her comfortable, but boy is it a shock when you see her like this.

We were there for about 3 hours and in that time she only opened her eyes about a dozen times. Her words were few and far between, but she did recognise us. She wouldn't eat lunch while we were there and the nurse said she didn't eat anything for breakfast...I think she is slowly giving up the fight. I know mum said that she told her not long ago that she had had enough...and really, seeing her like that...I don't blame her.

I'm in tears writing this, thinking about this...but I just want her to be at peace. I don't want her to hurt anymore and if that means she has to leave us...then so be it. But it's just so heart breaking. Her decline has happened rapidly which is exactly what happened with my grandfather (her husband) and it's bringing up all the memories from his passing..I remember going to visit him in hospital (the same one my grandmother is in) and we were laughing and making jokes...and then only a few days later I was at uni one evening and got a call from DH (boyfriend back then) saying he had to pick me up and take me to the hospital with my family because it wasn't looking good for my grandfather. I remember crowding around his hospital bed with about 13 other family members to say our goodbyes, sitting in the waiting room, listening to the priest come and read him his last rites (they are catholics)..it all feels like only yesterday but it will be 7 years on the 31 August (yes, Bubble's EDD).

And now it looks as if history is repeating itself.

It also makes me so sad to think that my gran will never even know about blob. We won't get to share our news with her and I know how happy it would have made her to know we had finally succeeded in our journey. Blob will never know their great grandmother.

I keep flashing back to a month or so ago..I spent the day with mum and my grandmother. We took her out for a walk along the river. It was a beautiful sunny day. We then had lunch at a lovely cafe and then did some window shopping. It was a perfect day and my grandmother was so happy to be out and about. I suppose I can count myself lucky that I have plenty of lovely memories to hold onto...it's just hard to focus on these right now.