Twisted Ramblings

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

I'm alive.

Once again, I have been lacking the motivation to post...I don't know whether it's because I'm tired or because DH is home, or perhaps because I feel like I have nothing new to write.

I am not feeling particularly pregnant and this has me slightly read all the books and information online and think that as soon as you see those 2 pink lines, you are going to start experiencing this multitude of symptoms..but it is so not like that!!! Well not for me anyway...for me it's been more of a gradual process with little things occurring and then making the connection that 'oh yeah that's actually a pregnancy symptom'. I am beginning to notice some subtle changes in my body...nothing anyone but me (and maybe DH) would notice though. And while this, and the symptoms are somewhat doesn't feel like enough to make this seem 100% real.

It is so hard to believe right now that a little person is growing inside me. Surely I should feel different/sicker then what I do at the moment?!?!

So of course my worrying kicks in. You know, the usual..what if, what if, what if. Rational thought comes into play-you haven't been bleeding or cramping, you still have symptoms, you saw the heart beat...blah blah blah. But nothing can drown out the 'what ifs' totally. They are always there, playing on your mind, jumping out when you least expect it.

And then I wish that I was an innocent. That I had never experienced a miscarriage and was only full of hope and optimism about my pregnancy. That I had not travelled the long and winding TTC road and battled to actually become pregnant. That I wasn't still on a long list of meds to help support my pregnancy.

How much easier would it be, to be someone 'normal'?

I think of my friend that fell pregnant not long after I did with Bubble. It took her less than 2 months to become pregnant after stopping the pill. She (so far) has had a stress and worry free pregnancy with no drama. She will (most likely) have a trouble free birth, a healthy baby and will then do it all over again just as easily in a few years time.

Thinking about that makes me green with envy...

Even though I should be focusing on this pregnancy, sometimes I can't help but think that I will be back here in a few years time (if all goes well) doing another FET cycle, taking all the meds again and trying to survive another TWW without going insane...I'll be stressing over scans and thawing and blood tests. Back on the roller will be like I'd never gotten off!

DH thinks I'm strange to be so envious of our friend...but I cannot help it. It's how my mind works now having lived so long as an infertile. I feel bad about it too...makes me feel like a bad person. I have actively avoided this friend...although I think she too has been avoiding me too as she feels awkward and unsure of how to act around me anymore. It's just an awkward situation for us both I suppose....

Right this is becoming a long winded ramble/rant. Time to stop. Round of applause if you got this far...


lostintranslation said...

I hear you!

I was also envious of friends/neighbors who fell pregnant easily (some not even trying), but it especially stung when two fellow IFers fell pregnant the 'easy' way for #2 while I was making new appointments with the RE...!

Hope your worry will be replaced (or at least mixed with) joy very soon.

GS said...

Round of applause?? -sigh- I was rather hoping for cake. :-P -snicker-

I drive myself nuts on FB being all jealous of the super fertile types who are pregnant with number two and I have one of my own now!!! Not abnormal by any means and when you've got someone who fell at a pretty similar tim and didn't have the loss and the heartache before even being able to be pregnant...totally understandable. 

As for the stress factor. It takes a while for that to leave. Until I got to a stage where I could prod Master Z from the outside to make him move, there was worry. Mind you, it got less and less leading up to that point. During thr first 12 weeks though I could have literally had an u/s in the morning and be able to convince myself that Master Z had died just a few short hours later. It was RIDICULOUS. So, I think you're doing well TBH. :-)

When it comes to re-entering the rollercoaster... Mmm not 100% sure. We are not really anywhere near trying again but I can guarantee you that the raising a small lump of human is a whole other world and as much as the repeat fear is there, I dare say it won't become reality until you're actually going down that path. Hypothetically, once you've popped this one out and has complete success you may also feel a bit more confident for the future too. I guess the thing at the moment is to really focus on now and your bub. You don't want to miss out on the wonders of this pregnancy and your child for the next one IYKIM. 

Stinky said...

I get it. Two different worlds, completely, involving completely different thoughts and emotions.

And I completely get the 'what-if's'. They're a bitch.

I'm sure you know that there are some women that don't really get much in the way of preggy symptoms. Lets hope you are one of them, and there's something better that some fertile can have that you don't!!

New Year Mum said...

Oh how I wish we could be normal again... and to be innocent to all the problems with TTC and pregnancy. Thinking of you every step of the way during this pregnancy. Love to you always xoxo

Corinne said...

I know how you feel about the envy of 'normal' women and 'normal' pregnancies. I've decided that it is okay to feel this way. I am very sorry for your previous loss and am hoping and praying everything continues to go well for you with The Blob! The 'what if's' can get to be very overwhelming, but I, like you, remind myself that so far everything is pointing to a healthy pregnancy. I cherish the sore boobies, bloating, and slight nausea I am feeling. And I try to remind myself that these are all good things.
One other struggle I have is when people say "are you sure you want this" after telling a story of their unruly toddler or mouthy teenager. I want to scream at them "Are you kidding me?! Of course I want this. We've had three long years to contemplate whether this struggle was really what we wanted! We've thought about what we want longer for our first than you ever did all together for your two or three or four!" We could have walked away. We could have said that it's not worth the tears, heartache and struggle. But you know what, I think it makes us that much more prepared for what is to come!
Best wishes to you! Just a few more weeks!