Just got the announcement text from our friends to say their baby has arrived. This is the friend that got pregnant not long after me (the first time round). Bubble and their baby would have been about a month apart.
It has gotten easier to see this friend as my current pregnancy progressed. Seeing her before I got pregnant again was hard and I was a coward and avoided more than I should have...in fact even once I was pregnant I did this.
I didn't think that hearing their baby was now here would be a problem. But apparently it is. While part of me is over the moon for them, the rest of me is aching to hold my own baby in my arms...the one that should already be here. It stings to think that my baby should have been here first and yet I am still empty handed. I am trying to focus on the little guy in my belly, but my mind is being irrational. Got to love how IF screws with your mind....
This is such a stupid post and I feel like an idiot for even posting it when I know just how lucky I am to be pregnant now...but I suppose I want to show that even though I'm almost on the other side and not childless...stuff like this still stings. You don't go through TTC and IVF and miscarriage and just instantly forget once you become pregnant. It's part of who you are.
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enjoying our miracle
That Hurt More Than I Thought
Friday, October 7, 2011
Posted by Summastarlet at 11:52 PM
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8 comments:
You shouldn't feel bad at all for posting this, or for feeling the way that you do. It's hard all around, and adding miscarriage or early loss certainly makes it hit hard. I really struggled when both of my sisters became pregnant after I started treatments, and it was definitely hard when their babies arrived. I'm so glad you have your little one with you, but you shouldn't feel any guilt for still having pain over your loss. Thinking of you --
Hun after the journey you've been through it's always going to sting even if you are pregnant. You can't just shut those feelings off. On a positive in 98 days you'll be the one sending that text msg!!!
You words reflect how all of us feel... you're so right in saying that "You don't go through TTC and IVF and miscarriage and just instantly forget once you become pregnant. It's part of who you are"... the pain of this journey is now twined in our being. Lovely to read your last post and hear that you've only got 99 days to go :)) Time will fly by and you'll have your little one safely in your arms soon xoxo
Its not a silly post at all. One of my best friends in Sydney is actually due the day before I was due and I have never posted about it on my blog as I dont want to seem jealous but its very hard especially when we go to Sydney to visit family and friends and I see her belly growing. I look down at my belly and think " my belly should be that big now" :( she is also having a girl - which was very hard for me, it was like a kick in the guts when I found out.. and I think its going to be extremely hard when she arrives in Feburary. Like you I will be happy and over the moon for her but at the same time I will be thinking where is my baby?! It totally sucks and I totally understand how you are feeling! Good for you for getting it off your chest. Chin up.. your little man will be here soon! xx
*hugs* I totally get you.
It is such a shock when that saddness/jealousy arises like that isn't it? But you're right, pregnancy doesn't fix infertility and it doesn't wash away all the pain we've suffered already.
I don't think it is a stupid post at all. I am amazed at the times when the grief, envy, or anger bubbles out of me out of no where. IF is some complicated stuff.
I've been really quite in blogland lately, figuring out this next chapter of prego after IF/RPL, but wanted to say thanks for the support. I don't know where I'd be without this community that understands.
I agree with all the above... very hard to forget...
But yay down to 96 now :-)
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