Bad Idea

Saturday, November 19, 2011

Just watched some episodes of 'One Born Every Minute' and now the waterworks have started. Of course all the births shown in the episodes I watched were natural births. 

I just started to get so sad watching these beautiful little babies be born and watching how the ladies birthing partners supported them through their labours. DH and I are going to miss out on all that. I know that in the end we are still going to have our baby in our arms but I always imagined I would get the chance to try birthing naturally. 

I feel like I'm one big failure as a woman. 

I couldn't get pregnant naturally.
First pregnancy I couldn't stay pregnant naturally.
This pregnancy I needed drugs the first 12 weeks to help me stay pregnant.
And now I won't even be able to give birth naturally. 

What is wrong with me?

I know that the c-section is the safest thing for me and baby, but I just can't help feeling somewhat disappointed. I guess I didn't realise how much so until I started watching this TV show. 

And now I can't stop crying. I know it's not just this. There's a few other things rattling around in my head which have upset me. Nothing I can verbalise properly without sounding like a big sook so I'm not even going to bother writing them down. 

I'm just a big, fat hormonal mess. I'm missing DH. I feel like I have no one but him to turn to when I am upset and I can't even do that because he's working right now. Thank goodness for blogging or I would have to keep all of this inside.


Baby Hopes said...

I know it's hard to have to change the birth plan you had in mind. We may have to have a c-section as well, which is extremely disappointing. But hang in there... you are doing wonderfully. You are NOT a failure. The mark of a woman is her character and strength... and you certainly have plenty of that. And the mark of a mother is how she loves and cares for her children. You are doing an amazing job and you will continue to - I am certain of it! And agreeing to do the c-section is a part of caring for your child. So in that sense, I think you are a SUCCESS!!!

Babylicious said...

Please don't worry about what "type" of birth you have. Most people have to have something different go on than they planned. I knew I would want an epidural but I didn't want any drugs to "encourage" labor...but I ended up needing pitocin. The most important thing for you to realize is that by choosing a c-section for the health and well-being of your child---you are being a parent and putting your child's needs before your own needs/wishes. said...

I still cry when I see natural births... b/c after a c-secion for our DD, I'll never be able to have a natural birth and was soooo disappointed when I was told she was breech and we would need a c-section. But then on the day she arrived it didn't matter... the moment was still so magical... I got to see her being born... I got to hold her straight away... she was with me in my room the whole time... and the recovery was not nearly as bad as everyone told me. It is disappointing but for me I figure that one day of disappointment is nothing for all the years of joy :) Sounds like you're going through a lot a the moment... and must be hard with your DH away. We're all here for you and know that we're thinking of you xoxo

Marissa said...

I'm so sorry. :( I've had very similiar emotions. The only thing that has helped is reminding myself that, even if my body totally sucks at womanhood, I'm still a good mom because I'lm putting my babies above my own wants. Letting go of the desire for a vaginal birth is hard...but you're doing it for the best possible reason.


Jenny said...

That show is so dangerous! I have a love/hate relationship with it. I have to skip all the NICU ones as I just can't deal with it, and I can understand how it can make you feel as if you'll be missing out on the natural labour. It doesn't help that pregnancy makes us extra emotional - I am crying at EVERYTHING this days!

But, you are not a failure! Hopefully as this was a few days ago you're feeling better now. You've overcome so much to get this far, and you're quite close now!

The ABA's course was really fantastic, we really got a lot out of it and honestly I'm not sure how anyone breastfeeds successfully without all the info. Is your course with the ABA? Even if not I bet you'll walk away with a lot of great info and hopefully, as we did, with more confidence about being able to do it.

I'm so excited for you and so excited to have a fellow bloggy friend with such a close due-date. We'll be experiencing all the triumph and challenges together!

Playing In Kitchen said...

Don't beat yourself up about it. I'm the same too. Well the ultimate goal is a healthy happy baby and mum. Once bub is in your arm everything will pale in comparison.