Monday, May 3, 2010

I spoke to DH before. He didn't ask where I was in my cycle, and I chose not to mention it. I think he doesn't ask because he doesn't want to upset me. I suppose he has a point. I mean, you feel pretty helpless when someone starts crying to you over the phone. What are you meant to do?

Besides, if I did tell him that AF had arrived and I'm not pregnant (again), I know what his response would be. 'You'll have that thing done (HyCoSy) and it will clear your tubes and you will be pregnant in no time'...or something along those lines.

I am sick of his optimism. His other favourite line is 'it's not our time yet'. My preferred response to this is 'well when is it going to be our f&$%ing time???' while bawling my eyes out. 

I know this whole process must be hurting him too, but at least he has been given the all clear. He's 'normal'...He's not the one causing the hold up. That would be me..*waves*

I honestly don't think that he truly understands how much I want this, and just how much it hurts to see all these women around me falling pregnant. I know that he can't understand that it hurts me to see other people with their babies, and that each month I lose a little more hope that we will ever have a baby of our own. 

Sure, I might sound melodramatic, but obviously there is something wrong. Otherwise I would be pregnant right now and I would not be writing this depressing blog entry.

I think the biggest reason why he doesn't understand all this is because he isn't around to witness it first hand. 

I think he has only been here for 'testing' once. So he can't possibly see why 1 line is such a dissapointment and how much it hurts to see it. 

He hasn't seen me spend hours online googling 'early pregnancy symptoms' during the TWW or obsessing over my FF chart and comparing it to others in the chart gallery. And he hasn't seen the look on my face when I see that AF has arrived and that my hopes for a baby are once again dashed. 

Also he is away from our house, our home. The one we planned to fill with children. The one with 3 very empty spare rooms, which by now I thought I would be turning one into a nursery. Just another reminder that my body deserves a big, fat FAIL.