War Of My World

Saturday, March 5, 2011

There is a constant battle going on inside my head.
A battle of thoughts and feelings..
I wage war to try and keep these contained so I can get on with day to day life.
Some days are worse than others.
Some days I even win.
But most days I lose.

Today I lost.

I was barely out of bed when the tears started flowing. Honestly, how can a day be any good if you start it in tears?!? The cold germs still making themselves at home in my nose and throat also probably didn't help. What else is there to do but go back to bed?

Going back to bed is all well and good when you have no plans, but today I was also meant to attend a baby shower for a very dear friend of mine. She and I trekked the TTC path together for a time but thankfully she has made it to a new journey and is fast approaching her due date. I felt very honoured to be invited to share in her special day. But I didn't go.

And I feel like a total bitch.

Now don't get me wrong, I am thrilled for her to be pregnant and even more thrilled that she has made it through her pregnancy with a healthy bubba on board. I am so excited that in a month or so she is going to hold her little one in her arms. The little one she has waited so, so long for...BUT (and of course there is always a but) I am miserable that I am not riding along with her, with my own little bundle of joy to look forward to.

And after the IVF and the miscarriage and how I have been feeling lately, I could not muster up the strength to go to a baby shower where there would be bellies and babies and non stop talk of being a mum. I honestly couldn't trust myself to get through an entire afternoon of this without tears...and I didn't want the water works to happen and ruin my friends day. I also didn't want to be there and have my friend wondering and worrying if I was ok and have to be tiptoed around. I wanted her to have a day that was all about her, so that she could enjoy every minute of her baby shower. And I really hope this happened...but I still feel so guilty that I could not shelve my own issues for a few hours to be there for a friend. I am so ashamed of myself for this. I really do feel like a horrible person and a terrible friend.

So now along with all of my usual emotions, I have a side serve of guilt.
I am sure that some people would tell me that I have no reason to be guilty and that they are sure my friend understands..but even if she does understand, I still feel like a sad excuse for a friend.

I should have been able to walk into that baby shower, smile, chat and share in the festivities. I am sure there are ladies out there that have done it in my situation (or worse) without a problem.
I should have been able to hold it together for a few hours...There would have been plenty of time in the car on the drive home and plenty more time at home to let all the emotions out. I should have been there for my friend.

What a sad, sorry excuse for a human being I am right now.


Baby Hopes said...

I can understand the pangs of guilt. I've felt them, too, as I've shed tears over pregnancies my sisters have had since my husband and I have been in treatments. I love them and am ecstatic about each new blessing, but the emptiness and pain are also very real and I think it's important to acknowledge and work through exactly as you are doing.

I know you feel there are some should's in terms of being physically present at your friend's shower. But consider these as well:

You *should* allow yourself whatever time you need to work through this terrible loss. The IVF and miscarriage is a major ordeal that most do not have to endure.

You *should* take care of both your physical and emotional health. That includes guarding your heart against additional pain.

You *should* acknowledge and give yourself the credit that you carefully considered your friend as well, and did not want to cause her worry on top of your pain.

You *should* know that you are amazingly strong woman for continuing on as you have.

I think you are a tremendous woman, deserving of support and admiration.

saranissa said...

I can only agree with what the above commenter has said. You take all the time you need, I am sure your friend understands this, especially as, if it is the friend I am thinking of, she has been through some of it herself.

Look after yourself honey, give yourself the time and space that you need to grieve without beating yourself up over it.

Take Care xxx

PS Gradually the days that you lose and the days that you win will even out, and eventually you will find that you win more than you lose. It is a long hard process but you will get there x

New Year Mum said...

I completely understand what you're through... it's so hard to go to a baby shower - and I've missed plenty b/c I just didn't think that I'd be able to hold it together. Having shared the start of your journey together, I'm sure she'd understand xoxo

Let There Be Sims said...

If she is a true friend she will forgive you. Most importantly take care of yourself. Recently when I was feeling down I made a optimist playlist on my iPod. I for e myself to listen to happy music and it really does change my mood. Hang in tHere everything will be ok

Lauren said...

Oh sweetie, HUGS. She knows what you've been through because she's been there. It's completely okay for you to feel the way you do. I'm beyond excited for a fellow IFer's baby shower next Sunday, but I am starting Lupron on Friday and I'm kind of fearing this is going to backfire on me. Something about baby showers is a huge trigger and it's hard to just put our feelings aside to get through it. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself, and your friends will understand. <3