An Uneventful Day

Still a few more hours left in the day..but so far so good!

No spotting, no bleeding, no cramping...nothing!!

I know this doesn't take me out of the danger zone completely, but for me it's a mini hurdle that we got past this day.

So now we wait for Friday...can't come any quicker if you ask me!!

Another Hurdle & A Happy Husband

I (like lots of others it seems) am having issues with commenting. C'mon Blogger pick up your game!! So I do apologise if I am not commenting much...I keep trying and some blogs I get through on and others I don't. Very frustrating!

Getting through tomorrow without any dramas is the next hurdle in this pregnancy. Tomorrow I will be 7w3d and this is when I lost Bubble earlier this year. I am hoping with all my heart that history does not repeat itself and I can get through the day with nothing going wrong. Then it will only be 2 and bit days until the scan and I can hopefully see our little one/s and know they are ok.

Despite my probably very worried sounding posts, I am actually doing quite well at focusing on all the positives. I think I am using my blog as a bit of an outlet for my fears and it's helping (to a degree) to keep me calm!

This baby (or babies) is kicking my butt and I have never been more grateful for the fact that I only work 3 days a week. It means that on the other 4 days I can sleep in and have nanna naps during the day when I run out of energy. Today (after a terrible nights sleep) I dozed on and off until 10am..then forced myself to get up and clean the house (which was well and truly overdue for going over). Pushed myself too hard with the housework and spent the rest of the day laying on the couch watching TV and feeling a little nauseous. Think next time I'll try and clean when DH is home so he can help me out!!

DH is feeling more positive about this pregnancy which I am quite surprised about. I'm not sure if I blogged about it earlier on, but he was adamant that he would not be getting excited until I passed the 12 week mark.

Well his tune seems to have changed. ..

I'm not sure if it's because I am so close to the first scan, or because he has more faith in our doctor and what he has done..but I'm glad. Honestly, up until now he has almost ignored the fact that I am pregnant. Unless I bought it up (and I only would to update on the blood tests etc) it has not been spoken about. I even tried to broach a conversation with him about choosing a hospital and obstetrician the other week when I was trying to decide and he shut me down.

The past 2 days on the phone he has bought up the pregnancy and baby (babies?) on his own. I was gobsmacked! He even started talking about what we need to do to the spare room to prepare it for a baby's arrival. He also mentioned that we should start looking around and shopping when he is home next. You could have knocked me down with a feather! It seems my quiet approach and letting him mull things over in his own time has worked! Quite a relief in many ways as I was worried about not being able to share my excitement with him (especially if this scan goes well). Now it seems that I have 1 excited daddy to be on board.

I know he is disappointed about missing the first scan. He mentioned it this afternoon. I reminded him it was on at 12:30pm and his response was 'oh that's no good for me..I'll be asleep'. I might have to ask him if he will leave his phone on that day so I can call as soon as I finish my appointment. I want him to be the first to know the outcome-good or bad. Hoping I'll be able to take a picture of the screen so I can send him that straight away too!

4 more sleeps..hang in there little one/s. We love you.

Worries

7 Weeks

I had another blood test yesterday and my HCG levels were at 31 500. The GP seemed very happy with this result, and while it made me relax for a second I am back on high alert. 7w3d is when I started miscarrying, and looking back over my pregnancy journal...nothing was up prior to this point! In fact I was feeling very similar to how I am right now.

This scares the absolute crap out of me.

What if in the next few days the same thing happens again??

The rational side of me keeps reminding myself that I am on a looooong list of medications this time round and my levels are higher...

...but the irrational side of me is just

So I have been trying to keep myself busy all day to stop my brain going into overdrive.

I started the day with breakfast with a friend at a favourite cafe. It was very hard to explain why I wasn't having a coffee or ordering my favourite meal (eggs Benedict) but I managed to avoid too many questions! I have then spent the rest of the day with my sister. She even cooked me dinner and yummy brownies for dessert! But now she's gone and of course it's quiet and my mind is free to wander...

Every time I go to the loo I hold my breath and half expect to see blood.
Every twinge and cramp in my stomach is worrying me.
Lack of severe morning sickness worries me.
The fact that it's almost 9:30pm and I'm not worn out and in bed yet even worries me!

(Ok yes we have established that I am a worry wart...but honestly..I can't help it!!!)

I know all I can do is take it one day at a time.
I need to breathe and try to relax and focus on hearing/seeing positive news at the scan on Friday.
I know there is nothing more I can do to help our little one/s stick around other than what I am already doing.
So why can't my mind accept this and stop plaguing me with awful thoughts?!?!

On a random note..I weighed myself on Monday and then again today...I have lost 5kg. What's up with that?!? I have been eating far more than normal and am extremely bloated so was actually expecting a gain..so now I am almost back to where I was prior to starting our first IVF stim cycle!

It's abit chilly..

So the past few days there has been a cold snap here...it's not even Winter yet and it's so chilly! I have pulled out my ugg boots and my flannelette PJ's because I am not game to use my electric blanket (some stuff I read online said it's not particularly good for pregnancy). Up until a few days ago I was wearing shorts and singlets to bed...it's crazy! Luckily the dog has been standing in as my hot water bottle which has been nice for my tootsies in bed of a night time.

I really feel for my DH though. This stint at work he is on night shift. So he starts work at 6pm and finishes at 6am the next morning. 12 hours outside in the middle of the night is bad enough, but during Winter time...ugh! And he will do this for 14 days straight!! Because he works with his hands he cannot wear gloves, but they do already wear long pants and long sleeves and his workplace has recently provided them all with lovely thick waterproof/fireproof/high vis jackets. He even took a beanie out with him this time round...it looks a little something like this...(the one with the ear flaps minus the pom poms!)

A friend bought it for him as a joke present..but who's laughing now??! Certainly not DH who sent me a photo before of him out on site wearing this with his hard hat over the top! Classic!! I would imagine that his workmates are having a bit of a chuckle though...but he's warm and after it got down to 1.5 degrees last night I think he's wise to choose warmth over style!

Oh PS..I think someone asked in a comment what FIFO stands for. FIFO = Fly In Fly Out, meaning that my DH is flown in and out of the mining town he works from. :-)  

Home Alone

So sad coming home to an empty house tonight. Can't believe DH is back at work for 2 weeks. Sometimes I really dislike the life of a FIFO wife! Right now I am trying to distract myself because otherwise all I want to do is snuggle up in bed and have a cry. The dog is being nice to me tonight and actually lying on the couch with me..usually when it's just me home he ignores me...but it's cold and I have a blanket so I think he's using me!

I made a decision on my hospital/obstetrician this afternoon so I am feeling much more on top of things (and like a good organised mummy to be). I have even booked my first appointment which isn't until the 20th June. DH will be home for that so hopefully we will get a scan done and he will be able to see our baby/babies since he's missing out on the first scan (which FYI is 10 sleeps away).

Still wondering whether I will even make it to the first ob appointment. Symptoms are here but not really strong...I know I should just relax and enjoy...but all I can think about are the 'what ifs'. I am still tempted to go back to my GP and see if I can have some more bloods done....

Decisions, Decisions...

I totally forgot all about ICLW this month and I am so dissapointed! I have really enjoyed participating the past few months and finding great new blogs to follow. Will have to make sure I set a reminder or something for next time round! Will try and use this week to keep totally up to date with all the blogs I currently follow..I have been a little slack lately and I feel like a bad blogger friend!

My current pregnancy related freakout (asides from no morning sickness) is now related to finding an obstetrician. I have been reading that you need to book in ASAP if you want the doctor of your choice. I don't even know which doctor I want to use or which hospital I want to birth at...so unorganised!!

I have a choice of 2 private hospitals in my area, and obs here only deliver at one or the other. So I either pick a hospital and then pick a doctor that works out of it. Or I pick a doctor and that solves the hospital choice! I was hoping to ask my FS at my scan if he could recommend anyone, but considering that's not for almost 2 weeks, I am wondering if I need to decide on someone sooner and get an appointment set up. So confused...

In other news, DH is back to work tomorrow for 2 weeks. I think I am going to be a big, sloppy emotional mess when I get home tomorrow after work to an empty house. Of course I can blame this on the pregnancy hormones...

Saturday

Today marks 6 weeks. All I can think about is whether or not our little one/s are still growing strongly inside of me. Bubble stopped growing at around 5w5d so of course the thought of this happening again weighs on my mind...ALL THE TIME!

Morning sickness has still not kicked in. This freaks me out. I need the reassurance that everything is going ok. No morning sickness to me shows that things are not ok. I still am experiencing other symptoms..but nothing strong enough to make me really believe that I will be seeing a blob and a heartbeat (if not times 2) on screen in 2 weeks time.

So far there is:

-cramping (which sometimes worries me but it hasn't been painful just noticeable)
-tiredness (very early bedtimes and daytime naps galore for me)
-sore boobs and nipples
-peeing frequently (more during the night..like 4 or 5 times but starting to increase during the day now as well)
-increased appetite which turns to slight nausea if I don't eat often enough
-dizziness/light headedness
-metallic taste in mouth
-bloating (my stomach is still HUGE..well it feels huge)
-constipation (which I guess isn't helping the bloating) which is interchangeable with diarrhoea (go figure..)

Lots of little things which do add up...but not enough to make me feel completely confident. I don't know how I will get through these 2 weeks until the scan. No more blood tests..just waiting and wondering. I am hoping that if I begin to stress out too much that my GP might oblige and get me another BT done..or perhaps in for a scan slightly earlier?! I can only ask I suppose. See how I manage...I think if more symptoms kick in (especially morning sickness) then I might just be able to hold out until scan day...

On a different note, thank you to the ladies who left me comments regarding my post about whether to continue blogging. I was cheered by the support and encouragement to use my blog to write about whatever I wanted to. So I will continue...slowly changing over to a pregnancy blog but right now I am too scared to change anything until I know for sure I will be staying pregnant..so bear with me.

just wanted to tell you

HCG today was 5900!

First scan booked for 2 weeks time on the 3rd of June.

Feeling a wee bit more excited, but still nervous...

to blog or not to blog

5w4d

Next blood test is tomorrow morning..so hopefully I will have more good news to share with you all by the afternoon..and maybe even a date set for our first scan!

I haven't been writing much. I feel kind of strange progressing onto a more pregnancy focused blog...and I hate to hurt those who are still riding the IF roller coaster. I know that you don't have to read if you don't want to, but I know for me sometimes even seeing the pregnancy related posts pop up in my feed really hurt. So I'm staying quiet and trying to figure out my next move...whether that be a new blog, no more blogging or something else that I haven't thought of yet. *shrugs*

Trying to Relax

I went and saw my GP today. I was stressing myself out too much to hold out until Thursday for my next blood test. Luckily my GP is awesome and sent me off for a BT and promised me the results by the afternoon!

My HCG levels have now reached 2600. Breathed a big sigh of relief when she told me this over the phone.

I will do another BT on Thursday (as per clinics instructions) and then hopefully I can relax a little more until we get to our first scan.

I did ask my GP if she would send me off for a scan this week and given how stressed I am about this pregnancy, she decided it would not be worth the possible extra stress. It's early days and chances of seeing everything where it should be and see the little flicker of a heartbeat is low. She doesn't want me to have this happen and then spend another week or 2 worrying until the scan is repeated.

Makes sense. Hopefully the clinic will only make me wait another week or so before a scan anyway. I'm sure I can hold out that long.

So for now I'll follow my GPs orders and look after myself both physically and mentally. Best thing I can do for me and our little one/s right now.


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5 Week Worries

So wasn't impressed by Bloggers massive fail the other day! Disappearing posts and comments..not cool!

So a thank you to those who left me a comment about our exciting news..I didn't get to read most of them (Bloggers fault) but thank you for thinking of me!!

I have to say it is weird to be back here...back being pregnant. I guess this is partially due to not wanting to get too excited just yet. While part of me wants to tell everyone and start making plans again, the rest of me is saying 'shut up and settle down..you remember what happened last time'. This quickly snaps me back to reality..and the thoughts of maybe losing this baby/babies too.

I'm due for another BT next Thursday and then the nurse said another week or 2 after that for the scan. I have been mulling it over in my head and I have decided I'm going to call on Monday and see if I can do the repeat BT on Monday or Tuesday...partly because I can't wait any longer and partly because I can't afford to take another day off work to travel to the clinic to have it done. Then I am going to ask if the scan can be bumped forward to the week after. I will be just past 6 weeks. Considering Bubble only measured 5w5d at our first (and only) scan (when I was almost 8 weeks along), I can't stand the thought of waiting it out until then for what could possibly (though I hope it's not) bad news.

I am really hoping the nurse understands my worries and agrees to these changes...otherwise I will be going to my GP and asking for BTs and scan requests...otherwise I may just drive myself insane with awful thoughts.

I think once I see my levels are rising and see a little blob (or 2) on the screen (maybe even with a flicker of a heartbeat) then I can relax slightly and believe that this is actually happening.


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The Results Are In...

HCG=810

I am more than just a little bit pregnant!

Was almost speechless when the nurse gave me the results over the phone. My first BT for Bubble my levels were only at 52...and here we are with 810!

So I am excited, but still nervous about whether or not our little one/s stick in tight for the long haul. I have confidence in Wazza, and with all the meds I am on..surely we have more than a fighting chance of getting our take home baby/s.

For now I will be happy that we have been lucky enough to have our first FET work and that my levels are good. They are some hurdles ticked off the list. Repeat bloods next week and then a week or 2 after that (all going well) we will have our first scan. Seems like an age away, but I should have this waiting thing down pat by now..shouldn't I?!?

DH is still being cautious. You can tell he is excited, but trying valiantly not to give too much away. I understand. I am sure as time passes and we reach new milestones he will begin to believe that this is going to end well.

Thank you to all my fellow blogging buddies who have left me wonderful messages of support. Means so much to me to have such wonderful ladies to share my journey with.

12dp5dt

And I am seeing 2 lines....
Could it be? Am I a little bit pregnant?!?

Cautiously optimistic at this stage. BT isn't until Thursday (and it's only Tuesday night). I think once I get the blood test done (and then some repeat blood tests done) and see the levels are rising nicely I might be able to muster a little more excitement.

Right now I am a teeny bit excited...but oh so nervous.

Could it possibly be that our little one/s have actually stuck?!?

I haven't even told DH yet. I know he will do the 'man thing' and tell me I should have waited until the BT and that I shouldn't believe the 2 lines yet. Which will then take away my tiny bit of excitement and make me sad. But I feel bad keeping what could possibly be great news from him.

Happy Mothers Day?!

Well I survived the day and so far (well it's 10pm so I'm damn close) without a tear being shed!

*self highfive*

Yes, there were the sad thoughts of Bubble and how far along in my pregnancy I would have been for this day. The knowing that if I was still pregnant my mum and sister (since DH wasn't here) would have spoilt me as a mumma to be and made me feel very special. The excitement of that in just a few short months we would be meeting our baby and that next years Mothers Day I would have an actual child to celebrate with.

But I put these thoughts aside and focused instead on MY mum for the day. After all she gave me life and has put up with me for the past 26 (coming on 27) years!

We started the day with breakfast up at my grandmothers house. My sister (who is a chef) made us beautiful crepes (sooooo good) to feast on. What a great start to the day! Grandma, mum and I then had a game of Scrabble (we are Scrabble nuts in this family...) which I haven't played with either of them for ages. Good fun (and I won!).

Then mum, sis and I swung home and got my puppy dog and we headed down the beach for a walk. We picked up some things for a light lunch (didn't need too much after all those crepes) and headed back to my mums. Then we helped her set up her present (a slide, negative and photo scanner) and play with it. Mum is super excited about this machine as she has a stack of  old slides which are all photos from her childhood (and some even before she was born) plus all her wedding photos are actually on slides would you believe!? Once she works her way scanning through the slides I think she will be starting on the photos...and wow does she have albums full of photos...It was fun this afternoon looking at the slides once they were up on the computer. Seeing mum when she was a little kid (and her siblings), seeing how young and trendy our grandparents were. I love old photos!

We cooked dinner for mum (and dad) tonight too. Well my sister cooked...I was her kitchen hand! So a family dinner, just the 4 of us to end the lovely mother/daughter day.

And next year I hope that our little one/s will be apart of the Mothers Day celebrations and that I can call myself a mummy for real.

I hope for all my fellow TTC bloggers that this day wasn't too hard and you managed somehow to muddle your way through. Thinking of you all and sending an extra big hug to each of you tonight. And for those new mummies or mummies to be, I hope your Mothers Day was extra special. xx

Two Week Wait Run Down

I do apologise for my angry post the other morning. I had most definitely woken up on the wrong side of bed and after mulling in my own angryness for another few hours I moved past it and was able to enjoy the rest of my day.

I am 9dp5dt today and feeling an array of possible symptoms/side effects including:

-sore boobs
-peeing frequently (more so at night but it's getting worse during the day also)
-increase in appetite (but this is now alternating with slight nausea today)
-cramping (not like period cramping though)
-tiredness (but that just could be from getting up so many times a night to go to the bathroom)
-runny nose (maybe I'm getting a cold..)
-sore lower back
-restlessness (I just cannot get comfy in bed)
-bloating (my stomach is still looking huge!)
-diarrhoea


All (or most) can probably be attributed to one of the medications I am taking. So I am trying my best not to read too much into anything at the moment. So very hard when 'Dr Google' keeps calling my name, but I am being strong. The stupidness of the HPTs to check if the pregnyl was still in my system were a BAD idea. I knew it when I started doing it, but I persisted anyway..and now I can't seem to stop! I am obsessed about comparing the tests from day to day to see if there are any differences...so sad. It's just adding more confusion into the mix really and not helping in the slightest to help me figure out if this cycle is going to be successful or not.

Ahhh...the joys of the TWW.

4 more sleeps until DH comes home.
5 more sleeps until the blood test.

Anger

I'm sick of being poked and prodded and having people look up my vagina.

I'm sick of daily injections and bruises on my belly.

I'm sick of swallowing 27 pills a day.

I'm sick of shoving pessaries up my bum 4 times a day.

And all for what?!?

For a chance at having a baby...BUT...There's not even a guarantee that I will end up pregnant and with a healthy baby in my arms. I could be doing this all for nothing. We could be throwing hundreds and thousands of dollars down the drain for NOTHING!

Infertility fucking sucks.





Think I'll go back to bed and see if I can have a do over and get up on the right side this time.

Sorry for the angry post..just had to get all that out.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Location:my own personal living hell

Lapped

I have been double lapped...

A friend from school fell pregnant around the time we started TTC in August 2009. She gave birth to her 1st bub in 2010. Lap 1! She then fell pregnant again in 201o and yesterday gave birth to her 2nd bub. Lap 2! Both these children were 'whoopsies' so no TTC involved...

You know you have been TTC for way too long when a person falls pregnant and gives birth TWICE while you are still left without a baby in your arms.

So to top off her birth announcement on Facebook yesterday, today there was ANOTHER birth announcement from another friend from school. This was also her 2nd. Actually, Facebook has been full of babies lately. A few weeks ago there was another announcement from a school friend on the birth of her 2nd child. Then about a month ago 2 good friends also both gave birth to their 1st bubbas within 24 hours of each other.

Seriously, when is it going to be my turn? How many more times will I be lapped?

Oh did I mention that I am 6dp5dt and I am NOT feeling confident. I do not think this FET has worked...Just have an awful feeling that this is not going to be the end of our TTC journey yet...

4dp5dt..and nothing to report

Just a token post.

I am feeling very flat tonight. A combination of missing my DH, the anticipation of this cycle and how much we have riding on it, and medication side effects.

Pregnyl is still in my system. I did another HPT and there was an extremely faint line there. Tomorrow I do my last booster shot so will see how things go from there...
10 more sleeps until the blood test. It may as well be 100. Time is almost at a stand still.

3dp5dt

Did someone say BLOATING?!?! Because my stomach is HUGE! Throw in the cramps from the progesterone pessaries and the bruises from the Clexane injections and my poor belly is having a great time!

Let's just hope that my little ones are preparing to snuggle in to their new home for the next 9 months or so...for them to stick around...well, any side effect is totally worth it.

I would also like to take this chance to point out that today is International Babylost Mothers Day. So to all my babylost mummy blog friends, I wish you a beautiful day filled with love and know that I am thinking about you all and your angels.